"Has THIS ever happened to YOU?"

AT LAST! Someone has made a truly impressive montage of all the "before" moments from infomercials. I have already watched it a dozen or so times. 
Wah-wah-wah-waaaaahhhhh!

Harry The Happy Birthday Hyena: is THIS the worst infomercial ever?

When I found Perfect Polly, the plastic parakeet, I thought I had hit absolute rock-bottom, but she's nothing compared to this. . . thing. I can't see anyone actually wanting to buy one. I'd kill it if I was in the same room with it, and I'm normally pro-gun-control. I just don't get anyone designing and trying to market one of these. 

Plastic Polly: The Perfect Parakeet Pet!

About this item

Disclaimer: While we aim to provide accurate product information, it is provided by manufacturers, suppliers and others, and has not been verified by us. See our

The As Seen on TV Perfect Polly Pet is the charming new motion-activated bird that comes to life whenever you walk into the room. His tail feathers move from side to side as he sings, and his head turns, as well.

This life-sized motion-activated pet features details so realistic, only you will know it's not real. This Perfect Polly parakeet comes with a perch, or let him sit right on your finger. Listen to him chirp and enjoy beautiful bird songs in your home without the mess and upkeep of a real pet bird.

This As Seen on TV pet comes with a one-year warranty. As Seen on TV Perfect Polly:
Perfect Polly parakeet has lifelike details

Turns on and off

Most popular bird
Tail moves
Sings and chirps
Head turns

Life size
Motion-activated parakeet
1-year warranty
As Seen on TV

BUT WAIT! THERE'S MORE. . .

Blogger's Post-Scream: I love infomercials - As Seen on TV is a kind of religion for me - but this has to be one of the stupidest things. . . I mean. The announcer seems to be telling us that people will treat a twitching hunk of green plastic like a PET. People coo over it. They kiss it. They hold it on their finger (and from the reviews I've seen, you really have to HOLD it on your finger with your thumb, or it will fall off). The narration becomes more "wha - ??" by the second. There are fake birds out there that look a damn sight better than this one, and even a fake parrot that "parrots" back everything you say to it (a parlour-trick item that has been around since the 1980s). This thing just. . . turns its head. Its little plastic head with the creepy seam on it. Franken-bird. The main advantage of it, they tell us, is that it doesn't crap. Well, of course not! Because it doesn't eat, either. Think of the savings. This breakthrough product could lead the way towards Perfect Doggy, Perfect Kitty, and even Perfect Kiddy, a child who never eats or craps or sasses back, or grows up for that matter. Perfectly plastic. 

AMAZING UPDATE! I was delighted to discover that the latest review from my favorite YouTuber, James White (Freakin' Reviews) is for Perfect Polly. He refers to it as the all-time dumbest item on As Seen on TV, and I have to agree. But he made a very cute video about it, in which he proves once and for all that this noisy piece of green plastic is truly useless. The best part is when his golden retriever runs off with it in her mouth. 

I highly recommend James White's channel if you want to see some quality stuff in the vast, seething swamp that is YouTube. It has truly become a den of iniquity, a shadow of its enchanting, eccentric former self. The more it burgeons, the lower it sinks. 

But never mind all that! White is serious about what he does, evaluates each item in detail, re-evaluates them later on for durability, presents a wide variety of items from useful to downright bizarre -  but is also affable, charming, both serious and funny, NOT a grandstander, fair and human (changing his mind about mocking those awful artificial veneers because poor people with severe dental problems might be able to use them), and altogether the kind of guy you'd like to take home to Mother.

I had only the most platonic feelings for this man - he's of son-ly years, after all - until he did a devastating review of My Pillow, featuring him lying in bed in a semi-lit room. I don't for one minute think that he was trying to look seductive. He just couldn't help himself. He isn't beefcake, but he's in pretty darn good shape, and. . . I guess at my age you're not allowed to notice these things. 

Telephone to Glory: the ultimate infomercial

Telephone to glory, oh, what joy divine!

I can feel the current moving on the line.

Made by God the Father for His very own,

You may talk to Jesus on this royal telephone. 

Central’s never busy, always on the line,

You can hear from heaven almost any time.

’Tis a royal service, built for one and all,

When you get in trouble, give this royal line a call. 

Telephone to glory, oh, what joy divine!

I can feel the current moving on the line.

Made by God the Father for His very own,

You may talk to Jesus on this royal telephone. 

There will be no charges, telephone is free,

It is built for service, just for you and me.

There will be no waiting on this royal line,

Telephone to glory always answers just in time. 

Telephone to glory, oh, what joy divine!

I can feel the current moving on the line.

Made by God the Father for His very own,

You may talk to Jesus on this royal telephone

Visit Margaret's Amazon Author Page!

http://www.amazon.com/-/e/B001K7NGDA

"Slices, dices, makes julienne fries": Ronco gifs

I.

I love.

I love old.

I love old ads.

I love old ads on.

I love old ads on YouTube

Cuz then I can gif them good.

This lady

does spazz

over dried-out

food

cuz it's good

for you and me.

Come see!

In times of old, 

when everything was orange,

a thing you cranked

spewed food

that you then fried,

and then you died.

Here Grandma cleans her teeth

and Fido cleans his teeth

we all have cleaner teeth

but she does complain

about that funny taste.

Throw popcorn at your records, boys,

while the tone arm hums

its seductive song.

"Oh-oh! Dropped the garbage?
AGAIN??"

Punch that thing in the thing, make an ugly design

And pay for the thing that makes that thing!

Men!
Steam your coat,

Men!

Steam your tie,

Men! 

Steam your pants,

Men! 

Till you die,

It's the STEAM-A-WAY!

This thing

grinds up your hair,

dries your panties to a frizzle.

But your fresh drawers

and puffy head

will make you rightly sizzle!

Drying tip: put your panties on your head

and dry 'em both at once!

Great for pubic hair, too.

Your date will go wild with desire,

And you'll say,

"Thank you, Tidie Drier!"

  Visit Margaret's Amazon Author Page!

http://www.amazon.com/-/e/B001K7NGDA

"Of course you can go straight!"

"I squeezed! And squeezed! And squeezed!" The Rainbow Sponge Lady takes ecstasy to a whole new, previously-never-attempted level. Personally, she raises my blood pressure for reasons I can't even fathom. Maybe it's all those nightmarish designs. They resemble the awful visions I have before a migraine.

"No flab on this arm!"

The ultimate infomercial

http://margaretgunnng.blogspot.ca/2013/04/the-glass-character-synopsis.html

http://members.shaw.ca/margaret_gunning/betterthanlife.htm