Ethically culled chicken from the family coop with extra helpings of re-heated misery - and a blood diamond bracelet wrapped under the tree: It's Christmas at the Sussexes' (at least, according to KENNEDY!
By Kennedy For Dailymail.Com
Published: 12:32 EST, 25 December 2023 | Updated: 02:18 EST, 26 December 2023
It's Christmas at the Sussexes'!
As North Polian gusts slip and sigh their way to Montecito, little Archie and Lilibet's sustainable stockings are bursting at their hempen seams.
The Duchess wakes later than usual - no early morning emails to staff today (it's their holiday too, she says empathetically).
A quick final check of the mailbox confirms a festive sadness: cards from Jay Z, Bey, the Beckhams and miscellaneous family members have indeed been lost in transit.
The table is laid by Harry - weary from the hard past year he's had, notably publishing his ghost-written memoir in January.
Turkey's out - instead it's ethically culled chicken from the couple's garden coop.
Place mats are replaced with excess copies of Meghan's best-selling picture book The Bench. (#Recycling hack!!)
While side dishes of betrayal and woe are re-blended, reheated and served with extra helpings. (Bought from Palestinian-owned stores only).
House rules: Don't mention Spotify, Coronation or car chases.
Auntie Oprah slides into the mix and - despite recent rumors of a cooling in relations - I'm happy to report she isn't seated out in the cold.
Here's Doria and Tyler Perry, too - rocking up in a Hertz electric-car rental.
And what Royal Californian Christmas would be complete without raucous parlor games?
Enter Omid Scobie, Target's answer to a court jester.
Charades is so stuffy Sandringham, he says. Fantastical fire-side storytelling is much more modern. The more stupendously make-believe the better.
And so Omid knits a yarn so hysterically phoney and bold, the Sussex family clan fashion matching cardigans and beanies.
These prove perfect for a post-lunch walk on the beach, where they launch ships in bottles to those less fortunate across the globe who aren't lucky enough to have Netflix, newspapers, access to the internet or really any way of hearing H&M's grumbles of grievance.
Back home it's time for gifts under the family spruce - felled from a private jet-offsetting forest.
For Harry from Meghan, a tube of Dr Freud's favorite todger tincture and a new necklace (his last one broke - don't ask how!).
For Meghan from Harry, a stunning tennis bracelet of shimmering blood diamonds.
For the children, a tough lesson that good things come to those who wait, marry rich, or star briefly on Deal Or No Deal. (That's something Meghan learnt from Mandela.)
Beware: a grinch! Samantha Markle pulls up in an Uber armed with gift-wrapped court papers addressed to her sister. How cruel to treat a sibling that way, Harry says.
Now it's time for the King's speech.
But just then, gathered round the 100' flatscreen, Harry reclining in his hand-carved reclaimed-mahogany throne with vegan pudding in hand, the cable goes out. The TV plunges into darkness.
Asked why she was seen with wire cutters by the fuse box, Meghan says recollections may vary.
And so, in lieu of Charles's festive message, they turn to draw up this year's naughty list of people who have wronged the Duke and Duchess of righteous indignation.
Enemy No.1: The Evil Media. (WAAAGH!)
Enemy No.2: The entire British public. (Colonizers!)
In lieu of Charles's festive message, they turn to draw up this year's naughty list of people who have wronged the Duke and Duchess of righteous indignation
Also included: Bill 'f***ing grifters' Simmons and Disney, who continue to refuse to offer Meghan a well-earned lead role.
Looking ahead to the new year, H&M mentally prepare for another twelve months of being begged for content, lifestyle guidance, therapy advice, and thoughts on how to live in truth.
A 2024 relaunch of the The Tig/Instagram/Suits spinoff/general good works? Just you wait - and wait!
All that's then left is a toast to success, wealth, celebrity friends, humility and freedom.
Sometimes you're just so happy that it hurts.
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