Pease, pease. . . NO!!

To My Old Brown Earth

Primal Pete Seeger. His last song. I just watched, for the second time, the PBS bio of Seeger, and could not help but shudder at how much the world has changed in those few years. How dark  it seems now, and how out of place this man's eternal optimism, inextinguishable hope. The stakes are far higher than ever before, and we can't just fix it with a change of ideology. Even if we were to come to complete world reconciliation, it would not stop that which we have set in terrible, heedless motion.  And I don't want to pass that hopelessness on to my grandkids, so I won't. But I will listen to this, and sink into it, and feel some peace for a while. Self-recrimination and hopelessness is no way to live.

You can still say "Welcome" in wartime (but be careful who you say it to)

Inside every housecat is a little bit of wildcat

Cliffhangers you will never forget!

This is actually much better without the sound. Lame Bossa Nova music does not add anything. How I wish they had left in the natural sounds.

By popular demand: THE MUNSINGWEAR MEN!

Ye-e-e-e-e-s, it's those crazy old guys, the Lotharios of the locker room, the Munsingwear Men! Here we provide you with more than you ever wanted of those unforgettable Munsingwear Moments, as these seemingly straight guys act about as gay as men ever did in history. I'd transcribe the dialogue on these, but I'm afraid you're on your own. Just read it real fast. The first gif is the trimmed version of the ads, the second one complete and unadulterated. (Fit That Lasts!) Sorry, it's the best I can do.

Should parents "out" their children on social media?

I don't often publish long personal essays on this blog, unless something is really bugging me. 

And something really is.

I have a Facebook friend (not someone I've ever met), a writer and teacher who is deeply involved in gender issues and dispelling stereotypes/stigma around sexual orientation. She counsels students who have been wounded by internet bullies, and her published poetry often touches on these hot-button issues. 

But I do notice something in her posts cropping up more and more.

She describes both her kids as "queer", and is fiercely proud of this identification as an example of personal integrity in the face of an intolerant world. As far as I can make out, they are either pre-teens or in their early teenage years. I know that some parents have helped their pre-pubescent kids "transition" to the opposite gender because the kid identifies as such. I have mixed feelings about this, because I know about the wild emotional swings of late childhood/early adolescence and the highly volatile quest for an authentic identity, which, to be perfectly honest, I am still engaged in now.

I'm not saying "kids don't know what they want". I am saying "kids don't ALWAYS know what they want," and, even more importantly, "kids don't always know what they NEED" - or what is good for them, or even safe for them. 

This fellow poet recently "outed" one of her kids (including photos) as "non-binary", a term I never heard until recently. It's one of the many buzzwords around gender  that I admittedly find hard to keep up with (given that I came of age in the 1960s, before Stonewall even happened). 

I have always believed gender is much more fluid than has ever been acknowledged or accepted in the past. But if a kid in their early teens identifies as both male and female, or neither male nor female, particularly if this revelation is recent, I think they need to be very careful how and where such sensitive information is displayed.

Even if that child gives their parents "permission" to have this information posted on social media, even if that child is "cool" with it or even wants it out there where everyone can see it - maybe because of the rush of initial exhilaration at making the discovery - does that make it a wise idea or even safe to actually do what they are asking?

There is no such thing as deletion on the internet. My son the professional techie calmly retrieved ALL of my files when my computer self-destructed a few years ago. I was in hysterics because I was sure it was all gone forever. He told me he retrieves deleted files for businesses all the time, and it's a piece of cake. People take screenshots of disastrous tweets  every day, then replicate them millions of times, claiming "hey, they posted it first!" 

Can a teenage kid in a highly vulnerable position really make wise decisions about publicly disclosing something so fraught with emotion? What should the parents' role be in all of this? Most problematic: what if the child takes a different direction in the future? The transgendered community is notoriously inflexible and unsupportive of people who DO take a different direction and decide to "detransition". Meantime, the record of their initial transformation is there on the internet: the photos, the videos, the posts - forever.

My four teenage grandkids are all in that violent pendulum-swing between insightful young adulthood (including serious conversations that just blow me away with their astute perceptions and mature observations) and faux-toddlerhood, going wild over shirts with pink llamas on them and the adventures of Peppa Pig, a primitive and extremely obnoxious British cartoon series designed for preschoolers.

So: Albert Schweitzer versus a one-dimensional, lame-looking family of pigs. Where does the truth lie? It should be completely OK for adolescent kids NOT to know where they stand. It may be perceived as healthy to come out, the kid may even ASK to come out, and on the surface of it, coming out on social media may seem like a wonderful way to counter stigma and publicly display an example of personal courage. I "get" this, and the immense pride which seems to be behind all of this woman's posts about the subject

But I very strongly believe that it can be a disastrous decision to let the child call the shots. When parents do not play watchdog, do not act as a filter, and do not safeguard their child from the consequences of too much exposure, they are falling down in the first duty of parenthood, which is to keep their children safe.

Due to the influence of that ravening monster, the internet, parental responsibilities are changing rapidly, and people have not yet had time to adjust to it. Those of us who did not grow up with social media often make disastrous blunders which are the result of not thinking things through, and - even worse - cannot ever be retracted. But in this situation, who if anyone is really thinking it through? This woman is a published author, something which takes her posts to a whole new level of public awareness, and has been very vocal about working with "many-gendered" people. She has shared the way her child came out to her joyously, with a great sense of celebration. She received many warm and supportive comments  from her Facebook friends, backing her up unconditionally in everything she is doing. The one person who expressed concern about how kids sometimes "go back and forth" and should not be expected to be consistent received a hurt, defensive and even angry response.

But celebrations of difference need to be tempered with reality. Having personal gender issues displayed on the social media billboard is risking the child's emotional wellbeing, particularly at school where teachers and students are not likely to react with sensitivity.  "Awareness" programs can only go so far, and haters are going to hate no matter what.  My feeling is that this woman exists in a sort of bubble, preaching to the Facebook choir and thus living in the illusion that most people are OK with all this and that any potential harm to her child can be resolved.

My daughter-in-law has asked me, and sometimes reiterates, that I not post any photos or videos of her daughters on social media. My grandgirls are smart, beautiful, funny, interesting, and (by the way) brilliant dancers who are now winning trophies in competition hand-over-fist, so you can imagine how hard it is for me to stick to this. But I know EXACTLY why she is doing it. My own daughter is careful about her two kids, and does not have  a "share" feature on her Facebook page which, in spite of her being a public figure in media, only has a small and select group of friends. The only pictures I can share appear rarely on their Dad's page, which is part of his internet presence as a prominent sportscaster. But these are posted selectively and with care. I find it all kind of frustrating because these kids are so magnificent and I love them so much, but I totally understand why all the ins and outs of their adolescence CANNOT be made public. 

Lest you think I  believe people should go back in time and hide all revelations about gender identity, it's not that way at all. What I'd say to MY kid is: wait. That part of your identity will still be there and still important to you when you are twenty and on your own. If not, then you have evolved in a different direction, and that's OK too. It's all OK - but it's not always OK, or even safe, to tell the whole world.

Troll animations

 

 

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Infants being processed on a Nazi baby farm.

Dam Troll Ballerina

Slugging Squirrels

Mid and Maybelline

Blogger's note. Harold Lloyd's wife Mildred Davis was more accomplished than anyone gave her credit for. Harold's personality completely overwhelmed her, pushing her out of the spotlight of recognition she had achieved through years of hard work. Her somewhat reclusive life ended sadly in poor health, struggles with alcohol, and watching her son Harold Jr. commit suicide through drinking and shame over his sexual orientation. In these ads she is considered the epitome of loveliness as her huge expressive eyes encourage young women to try cosmetics that Mildred obviously didn't need.

"After Maybelline's initial advertisement ran in the classifieds of popular magazines in the late 1910's with Mabel Williams’ illustrated image, Tom Lyle began looking for a film star to represent Maybelline. In the early 1920's he contracted beautiful Photoplay stars because of the wide audience they brought into theatres all over the country. One of the most popular actresses of the day was beautiful silent film star Mildred Davis or Mid as Tom Lyle liked to call her. She was a tiny 5 foot, perky-ingenue with monster-big flashing eyes that captivated the audience and drew them in.

Mildred Davis married Harold Lloyd in 1922. Harold Lloyd was a comedian in the ranks of Charlie Chaplin and he'd been looking for a leading lady to replace Bebe Daniels. He cast Davis in his comedy short From Hand to Mouth in 1919. It would be the first of fifteen films they would star in together.

Soon after "From Hand To Mouth," was released Tom Lyle contacted Mildred to discuss her being the next face of Maybelline. Mildred Davis appealed to sweet young ladies who were just beginning to look in the mirror and compare themselves with the beautiful faces on screen. Mildred Davis with her huge made-up larger than life eyes on screen an off silently encouraged young ladies to pick up a Photoplay movie magazine and order their first little red box of Maybelline. Once they tried Maybelline with its tiny black brush and cake of mascara they were hooked and word of mouth spread from one sweet young lady to the next." (From The Story of Maybelline website)

Do you ever have days like this?

At about 1:27, it looks like it has eyes and a mouth.

What NOT to say to a depressed person

What NOT to say to a depressed person


I've posted this several times before, but each time it seems more relevant. I believe, at one point or another, I have heard all of these. When a major figure (particularly a celebrity) commits suicide, we dust off a lot of homilies, and repeat "reach out for help" with the same regularity as that other meaningless phrase, "thoughts and prayers". It's sad that the onus for "reaching out" is always placed on the suffering person, as if it's an easy thing to do or as if they wouldn't have done it already if they could - and if the help were there.

All too often, the "help" is inadequate (I was recently told by a psychiatrist that the average person with mental illness is misdiagnosed FIVE TIMES), or not there at all. Witness agonized parents sitting in the ER for three hours while their suicidal daughter, barely hanging on to life, waits for some sort of medical attention, likely dismissive (for psychiatric cases are still viewed as "mental" and somehow within the patient's control). No one realizes that if they don't have any beds in the psych ward, which they almost never do, the patient will almost certainly be sent home with a prescription and a promise never to do it again. Even if she is admitted, no one will send flowers or cards or come to visit her in the psych ward, because that very name inspires dread. (Funny thing, because people visit prisons all the time.) Having your tonsils out would inspire a very different response.

"Reach out for help" seems to be the panacea right now, and unless they have been there, people don't look beyond it. Are things changing? Perhaps, but not quickly or profoundly enough to penetrate the blank wall of gratuitous advice which is the conventional and acceptable response.





“It’s all in your mind.”

“You just need to give yourself a good swift kick in the rear.”

“No one ever said life was fair.”

“I think you enjoy wallowing in it."

"Depression is a choice, you know."

“Pull yourself up by your bootstraps.”

“Stop feeling sorry for yourself.”





"There are a lot of people worse off than you.”

“But it’s a beautiful day!”

“You have so many things to be thankful for!”

“You just want attention.”

“Happiness is a choice, you know.”

"Just read this book. It'll fix you right up."

“Everything happens for a reason.”





“There is always somebody worse off than you are.”

“You should get off all those pills.”

“You are what you think you are.”

“Cheer up!”

“Have you been praying/reading your Bible?”

"People who meditate don't get depressed."

“You need to get out more.”





"Don't you have a sense of humour?"

“Most folks are about as happy as they make up their minds to be.”

“Get a job!”

“Smile and the world smiles with you, cry and you cry alone.”

"Just read this book. It'll fix you right up."

“But you don’t look depressed. You seem fine to me.”

“You can do anything you want if you just set your mind to it.”





“Snap out of it, will you? You have no reason to feel this way.”

“I wish I had the luxury of being depressed.”

“That which does not kill us makes us stronger.”

"Just read this book. It'll fix you right up."

"Do you want your family to suffer along with you?"

“Can't you at least make an effort?"





“Believe me, I know exactly how you feel. I was depressed once for several

days.”

“Turn it over to your Higher Power.”

“I think your depression is a way of punishing us.”

“So, you’re depressed. Aren’t you always?”

“You’re always so negative! Look on the bright side.”





“What you need is some real tragedy in your life to give you perspective.”

"You're a writer, aren't you? Just think of all the good material you're

getting out of this."

“Have you tried camomile tea?”

"I TOLD you to read that book."

"Go out and help someone who is worse off than you and you won't

have time to brood."

“You have to take up your bed and carry on.”

“Well, we all have our crosses to bear.”

"God never gives us more than we can handle."

"I was depressed until I tried yoga."

“You don’t like feeling that way? Change it!"

“SMILE!”

Mental Health: once more, I take an unpopular view.

This was found on a Facebook friend's page, and of course, at first I felt I had to read and accept it as something positive. But unlike all these dreadful people mentioned in the first sentence, I actually DID read it all the way through. And the more I read, the less I liked. Why was this? One reason I used to skip this sort of post is that they make me feel uncomfortable, even slightly scummy. This DOES seem to be the aim of it, but how is that going to bring people on-board with the "cause"? Shaming never worked very well for me as a tool for communicating something important, or winning people over. Below is the original copy-and-paste, then my rebuttal, which took me over half an hour to write. I had to "snooze" that person for thirty days because I don't feel like being ripped apart in the comments for taking an unpopular view. These things are as dismaying as all the phony "breast cancer awareness" messages I used to get. And ultimately, I think they do more harm than good.

Posting this for a far away friend ❤️

Maybe if people's heads weren't buried in the sand of ignorance and they took the time to understand, instead of judging and thinking it won't happen to them because they have the perfect family, life would be a little bit easier for people that do experience this! This hits close to home for me, for family and friends who live under this shadow. The days of 'it' not being talked about or being taboo should be over. In the most difficult moments of life you realize who your true friends are, and the people who really appreciate you. Unfortunately, most social media 'friends' aren't true friends. They will send you a "like" here and there, but in reality they do not take time to read your status if they see it's lengthy. More than half will stop reading right here, or have already scrolled on to the next post on their page. I decided to post this message in support of all those who continue to battle with their mental illness. (Suicide is at an all time high). Now, let's see who will have taken the time to read this lengthy post right through to the end. If you have read everything so far, please "like" it so that I can put a thank you on your page. More mental health awareness is urgently needed. Just because you can't see it, doesn't mean people aren't suffering. Please, try to spare a little of your time with someone who may just want to talk (about anything). Talking can help us all to cope a little more, keeping things bottled up just makes it worse. Most people will say, "if you need anything, don't hesitate to call me, I'll be there to help you" but will they? I believe a select few of my friends will post this, to show their support for those who may be STRUGGLING. You just have to copy and paste rather than sharing. I'd like to know who will take a minute out of their day to read this all the way to the end and then copy and paste it to their page, will you? If so, please write "done" in comments!

Margaret Gunning This is all good, but unfortunately it is a "generic" message that people very often believe has been written by the person who is posting it. The copy and paste messages very often have a flavor of "most people won't even bother with this" and then pressure the reader to show a little sensitivity (unlike everyone else!) by reading it all, then passing it along. Most would likely say, "but the message is a good one, so it doesn't matter how it's delivered" - the tone and underlying implications of it. Or, "at least this raises awareness" or "gets the message across". The writer (whoever he or she is, and we don't know that or where they are coming from) just assumes that most people are utterly callous and won't even bother to read half of it but will just shunt it aside due to their insensitivity. This is dismissive and even expresses a degree of contempt for the majority of people, in that it accuses them of something pretty bad, and ultimately alienates people (potential supporters) and does not help the cause. If you go back and read it again, all of it, not stopping halfway through it, with an eye to HOW it is written, it may strike you as not so positive. If it were worded less judgementally, I'd have an easier time with it. I DO understand the stigma all too well, and have suffered from it all my life. But all these messages, no matter what the issue, have a shaming quality, or at least an implication that almost everyone out there is heartless and does not understand or care, and that YOU can be different and owe it to the world to show it by copying and pasting the message (NOT sharing, because for some reason which makes me uneasy, sharing is never good enough). I have had a lifetime of mental health struggles and watched my brother die due to the effects of schizophrenia, and have loved several people who committed suicide, so please do not accuse me of not knowing or caring! But there has to be a better way of spreading the message, as it does not bring people on-board if you right off the top tell them they have their "heads buried in the sand of ignorance". Try to open a door for them, not shut it in their face.

BLOGGER'S POSTSCRIPT. As I expected, there are more articles popping up on Facebook about "mental health" (which, five minutes ago, was called "mental illness", while the person held a whip and a chair). This was my response to a piece about men working on oil rigs and the "hyper-masculine" environment that leads to suicide from untreated depression. As usual, I'm taking a view that no one wants to hear, because, as usual, if you "saw it on the internet", it will likely be reductive (like Madonna said about Lady Gaga's performances). At least it does not have the nasty finger-pointing of the first piece (when I thought nasty finger-pointing was the problem in the first place).

Margaret Gunning I only object to the "not asking for help", which is always emphasized in these articles. People with mental health concerns are expected to be in control of their own recovery. It wouldn't be true of heart disease or diabetes, but it's very true of depression and other debilitating mental health conditions. "Reach out for help" implies that if a person doesn't, they really don't want it and perhaps don't want to be well. Personally, I think it is about as effective as "thoughts and prayers" - something you say, then wash your hands, thinking "I've done my part". These articles often provoke another response: "oh, that's terrible, look what societal conditioning has done to them" (full stop). I always seem to be taking the unpopular view, and I will likely be vilified for raising points that express the underlying complexity of these issues. I am NOT against asking for help and reaching out, if the person is able to, but might co-workers think of reaching out to the suffering person? Might they be willing to try to step out of their own awful conditioning to try to help, or at least empathize and break the appalling loneliness? In view of the nature of suicidal depression and the terrible stigma attached to it, the suffering person is at the very bottom of their capacity to be proactive. This is just my opinion, but it is based on knowing and caring about people who have suffered disabling depression and killed themselves. and I know I will be refuted because it runs counter to the popular view.

Someone drained a can of tuna. . .

. . . all over those blueberries.

Harold Lloyd: the bare facts

This was an experiment in cropping some of my five-thousand-or-so Harold Lloyd gifs down to their bare essence, then seeing how many I could get onto a page. Quite a few, as it turns out! Think of them as miniatures - tiny silent films, each expressing a few seconds of reality in Harold's amazing life.