Take a gander (or take a goose!)

I don't know why I've had this rather inane nursery rhyme repeating in my head lately. I don't know how it got started. I'm aware that most of these childish things have dark or even sinister origins, buried in antiquity somewhere.

I wondered if this one wasn't just a piece of nonsense, incongruous, like the wacky poems of Edward Lear or even Lewis Carroll. But no. The merest probing into Wikipedia brought up this:

Most historians believe that this rhyme refers to priest holes—hiding places for itinerant Catholic priests during the persecutions under King Henry VIII and later under Oliver Cromwell. Once discovered the priest would be forcibly taken from the house ('thrown down the stairs') and treated badly. Amateur historian Chris Roberts suggests further that the rhyme is linked to the propaganda campaign against the Catholic Church during the reign of Henry VIII.

Other interpretations exist. Mark Cocker and Richard Mabey note in Birds Britannica that the greylag goose has for millennia been associated with fertility, that "goose" still has a sexual meaning in British culture, and that the nursery rhyme preserves these sexual overtones ("In my lady's chamber").

Priest holes! Sexual connotations! It doesn't quite hang together for me, but these things can evolve over time, or exist in layers. The original version didn't even have the throwing-down-the-stairs bit:

Goose-a goose-a gander,
Where shall I wander?
Up stairs and down stairs,
In my lady's chamber;
There you'll find a cup of sack
And a race of ginger.

We won't even ask what a "race of ginger" is. It's just one of these obscure things. Some older versions include these even-sillier lines:

The stairs went crack,
He nearly broke his back.
And all the little ducks went,
'Quack, quack, quack'.

All that strange left-leg stuff ("so I took him by his left leg and threw him down the stairs") didn't seem to add up for me, until I suddenly remembered hearing the expression, "He kicks with his left foot." Just recalling that phrase jarred awake a synapse that hadn't fired since I was six and listening to my Grandmother quietly, politely eviscerate every Catholic in the neighborhood. The left foot is like the left leg or the left hand - sinister, half a bubble off plumb, "not the thing". In other words, to an observant Protestant - Catholic.

You have to ask yourself, however, why anyone would invent a children's rhyme about priest holes and the persecution of Catholics, those nasty old left-foot-kickers. Why would anyone throw in references to geese (ladies of the night) and ladies' chambers (implying high-status quarters not normally open to the goose trade)? There is Mother Goose, of course, just to complicate things. But if you really look at the structure of the rhyme, which absolutely no one does, you see that it can be interpreted entirely another way.

The narrator, the "I" who is reciting the rhyme, is actually addressing it to the goose character - asking it, in essence, "where should I go? It's kind of like "hey, you over there - yes, I mean YOU, Goosey Goosey Gander - what's a-happenin'?" But it's definitely not "Here I am, Goosey Goosey Gander, Esquire, and let me tell you all about my lady's chamber." This is in spite of the fact that every illustration I've ever seen for this thing includes a big, nasty goose, usually throwing a man down the stairs.

In fact, "Goosey Goosey Gander" might just be a collection of nonsense syllables, a blithery-blathery-tra-la-lee sort of thing.

If you take the goose right out of the equation (and that's no fun, because I love these depictions of savage geese throwing terrified men down the stairs), then you have something like this:

Dinder, dander, donder
Whither shall I wander?
Upstairs, downstairs,
In my lady's chamber.

When you look at it this way, it can and does have erotic possibilities. Hmmm, let's see, where am I going to wander? (wandering being a sort of aimless idling, or even a poking-around-in-none-of-your-business thing). Maybe up here, maybe down there (whew - now that has some sexual meaning behind it!), or maybe in my lady's chamber, where I certainly do NOT belong. It has a sort of subtext of invaded intimacy.

The old man who wouldn't say his prayers kind of reminds me of the old rhyme about "I met a man who wasn't there". In any case, is it really the goose who does the "throwing down the stairs" bit? Of course not; it's the narrator of the poem. So maybe it's really by that notorious old Catholic-hater, Henry VIII. Who knows, he wrote a lot of songs, such as Greensleeves. Or maybe Anne Boleyn wrote it for something to do in the Tower before she got chopped.

Tell Tale Tit (your tongue shall be slit)

This was one of those accidental finds. For some reason a line from a nursery rhyme popped into my head - no, wait, it was something I read on Facebook about an author who wrote about nursery rhymes! Then I remembered an odd little Mother Goose book I had as a kid, with a bizarre rhyme in it about "chop-a-nose day". I remember my brother and I making terrible fun of it, but no one else believed such a rhyme even existed. Then. . .

This is the grand day of the Internet, that most splendid of times, when information is forever tickling your fingertips. All you have to do is grab. I'm still finding out what "chop-a-nose day" is, and I suspect it's a corruption or mispronunciation of something else. Until then. . . these are excerpts from the Gutenberg version (so it's OK to reproduce them) of a gorgeous little book by Kate Greenaway, who is responsible for these exquisite drawings. They would appear to be from the Edwardian era. 

I have excluded Little Miss Muffet, Humpty Dumpty, Jack and Jill, and all the others we already know about, leaving only the oddball ones. Many of them refer to social status in some way (not unlike the pop songs I wrote about recently), with beggars and kings appearing in the same verse. The rhythms here are irresistible, and if they haven't already been set to music, music just bursts out of them. One can hear these as skipping rhymes, or hopscotching, or perhaps even clapping. "The cat ran up the plum tree" is obviously meant to be chanted while bouncing a fat baby on your knee.

And how far back do these go? No doubt, like folk songs, they evolved over centuries. Ring Around a Rosy, which I didn't include here, is apparently medieval and was originally a chant to ward off the plague.

Hark! hark! the dogs bark,

The beggars are coming to town;

Some in rags and some in tags,

And some in a silken gown.

Some gave them white bread,

And some gave them brown,

And some gave them a good horse-whip, 

And sent them out of the town.

Diddlty, diddlty, dumpty,

The cat ran up the plum tree,

Give her a plum, and down she’ll come,

Diddlty, diddlty, dumpty.

We’re all jolly boys, and we're coming with a noise,

Our stockings shall be made

Of the finest silk,

And our tails shall trail the ground.

Elsie Marley has grown so fine,

She won’t get up to serve the swine;

But lies in bed till eight or nine,

And surely she does take her time.

There was a little boy and a little girl

Lived in an alley;

Says the little boy to the little girl,

“Shall I, oh, shall I?”

Says the little girl to the little boy,

“What shall we do?” 

Says the little boy to the little girl, 

“I will kiss you!”

 

Tell Tale Tit,

Your tongue shall be slit;

And all the dogs in the town

Shall have a little bit.

A dillar, a dollar,

A ten o’clock scholar;

What makes you come so soon?

You used to come at ten o’clock, 

But now you come at noon!

Rock-a-bye baby,

Thy cradle is green;

Father’s a nobleman,

Mother’s a queen.

And Betty’s a lady,

And wears a gold ring;

And Johnny’s a drummer,

And drums for the king.

See-Saw-Jack in the hedge,

Which is the way to London Bridge?

Little lad, little lad,

Where wast thou born?

Far off in Lancashire,

Under a thorn;

Where they sup sour milk

From a ram’s horn.

As I was going up Pippin Hill,

Pippin Hill was dirty;

There I met a sweet pretty lass,

And she dropped me a curtsey.

My mother, and your mother,

Went over the way;

Said my mother, to your mother,

“It’s chop-a-nose day.”

NEWS FLASH: yes, I did find some information about chop-a-nose day. According to the rhyme below, it's a sort of game you play wherein you pretend to chop off a child's nose.

Come to think of it, though we never called it chop-nose or chop-a-nose, my Dad used to pretend to pull off my nose, then stick his thumb through his fingers and say, "I've got your nose." Very funny.

Margery Mutton-Pie and Johnny Bo-Peep

Margery Mutton-pie and Johnny Bopeep,
They met together in Gracechurch-Street;
In and out, in and out, over the way,
Oh! says Johnny, 'tis chop-nose day.

This rhyme is very similar to My Mother and Your Mother, and I believe you play it the same way:

You play it with a child by reciting the rhyme while gently sliding your hand down his/her face. When you get to the last line, you hold the child's nose between your thumb and forefinger, with your other hand you pretend to "chop off" the nose! 

Below is a link to a long scholarly article about the socio-political significance of nose amputation. It just goes on and on. Not surprisingly, it was a particularly painful and vicious, not to mention humiliating punishment for various infractions, including adultery. It would be hard to hide the horrible wound from the world without going about constantly veiled, or not going about at all. I won't dwell on all this, because I can't, but I do wonder if this harmless child's game is an echo of something really horrendous. Well, we still have Ring Around a Rosy, its origins shrouded in the time of the Black Death, with thousands of bodies stacked up and ready to be burned or buried in mass graves. So could chop-a-nose day be a lot more literal than it first appears?

http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2689568/

HOLY SHIT, BATMAN!

Kenneth Hagin causes a man to fall out of his chair in a paroxysm of religious ecstasy, just by waving his hand around his head. Must be a miracle. 

Every once in a long time. . .

Below is a nice little unexpected comment on a YouTube video I made several years ago, about Harold Lloyd and my struggles to capture his energy and personality in my novel, The Glass Character. The novel didn`t exactly take off, though I`m comforted to think it`s immortalized in electronic form and won`t be ``pulped`` like my first two published novels. That`s what happens to novels that don`t sell, as they just don`t have shelf space for them. They DID offer to let me buy back some of them at 40 per cent off, which struck me as strange, as they were about to destroy them anyway, so why not just let the author HAVE them, if I paid the postage. But no, that`s not how it works in the publishing world. They lost money on me, so I still had to pony up to rescue my own books from the mush heap. But every once in a very long while, I hear something like this!

Lady Walker
Highlighted reply
5 hours ago
@ferociousgumby Margaret, I got your book at last and read it from cover to cover and I couldn't put it down!!!! It was wonderful it made me feel close to Harold and your own love for him, infused in the narrative shone through. Many fans I'm sure enjoyed this book and I shall read it over and over again. I really love it!!
The only reason that the readership may not have been huge is that love of silent films is a Niche Market. If you had written about a silly pop star or footballer it may have been higher.
All I can say is that you are a great Writer.                                                                                 
@Lady Walker Thank you SO MUCH for this! It`s the most gratifying aspect of publishing a book if one person reads it, loves it and takes the time to tell the author so. Publishing can be a popularity contest, as is everything else these days, but writing it was an act of love, and I am so glad you share that love and appreciate Harold for the brilliant artist and great human being he was.

The Troll Doll Channel: GIANT Dam Trolls!

One of the more gratifying aspects of troll collecting has been sharing them on my YouTube channel. I suppose this gives me an excuse to buy more of them! These two MASSIVE trolls were actually priced well below normal, and I was able to dress them with things I made myself. 

The PHILCO PREDICTA Guy!

My favorite part of the Philco Predicta ad. This is the Philco Predicta guy.

😲WOW, WOW, WOW!! 1965 Philco PREDICTA TV Commercial🙄

The Philco Predicta was quite possibly the ugliest piece of electronic equipment ever made, let alone the ugliest TV set. Yet its "futuristic" design appealed to a lot of people. Instead of being suffocated inside a coffin-like wooden cabinet (and the earliest ones even had DOORS on them, since people were not comfortable having all that exposed glass in their living room), you had this - thing - that swivelled around, with no discernible cabinet to it at all. It just sort of hung there, looking exposed, naked. The base could not have been more utilitarian, minimalism taken to the ugliest extreme. BUT - and this is a big but -  the Philco Predicta yielded one of the most gorgeous TV advertisements ever made. It has everything - men and women standing around in awe, all beautifully dressed (and remember how formally people used to dress on TV?), with euphoric choruses exclaiming, "Wow-wow-wow-WOW!" The Philco Predicta was the future, with the thinnest, flattest screen since. . . all right, it looked like a waffle iron, but no one had anything to compare it to, so it was just great, do you hear me? Just great!

False Prophet

This is the Summer of Bob, but then again, it has been that way for 50 years. This song is actually helping me to walk. My pace has slowed way down due to pain and disability, but I find if I get in the swing of this one, I go at exactly the right pace and don't feel I'm tottering along. The burlesque-house bomp-bompa-bomp helps, too. Meantime, here is the kind of casually brilliant lyric Dylan still turns out at 80.

False Prophet
Bob Dylan

Another day that don't end
Another ship goin' out
Another day of anger, bitterness, and doubt
I know how it happened
I saw it begin
I opened my heart to the world and the world came in

Hello Mary Lou
Hello Miss Pearl
My fleet-footed guides from the underworld
No stars in the sky shine brighter than you
You girls mean business, and I do too

Well I'm the enemy of treason
Enemy of strife
I'm the enemy of the unlived meaningless life
I ain't no false prophet
I just know what I know
I go where only the lonely can go

I'm first among equals
Second to none
The last of the best
You can bury the rest
Bury 'em naked with their silver and gold
Put them six feet under and I pray for their souls

What are you lookin' at?
There's nothing to see
Just a cool breeze that's encircling me
Let's go for a walk in the garden
So far and so wide
We can sit in the shade by the fountain-side

I've search the world over
For the Holy Grail
I sing songs of love
I sing songs of betrayal
Don't care what I drink
I don't care what I eat
I climbed the mountain of swords on my bare feet

You don't know me, darlin'
You never would guess
I'm nothing like my ghostly appearance would suggest
I ain't no false prophet
I just said what I said
I'm just here to bring vengeance on somebody's head

Put out your hand
There's nothing to hold
Open your mouth
I'll stuff it with gold
Oh, you poor devil, look up if you will
The city of God is there on the hill

Hello stranger
A long goodbye
You ruled the land
But so do I
You lusty old mule
You got a poison brain
I'll marry you to a ball and chain

You know darlin'
The kind of life that I live
When your smile meets my smile
A something's got to give
I ain't no false prophet
No, I'm nobody's bride
Can't remember, when I was born
And I forgot when I died

Cute Lamb Needs Attention

Just something cute to get you through the day. Yes, it has come to this!

MASSIVE Canada Goose colony in Barnet Park!

My wild goose chase and other bird adventures are keeping me sane right now (as sane as is realistically possible, that is). This goose colony which sprawls all over Barnet Park and its gorgeous public beach began in the spring, when we came across half a dozen families with goslings of all different ages. Now they're all juveniles which are not quite ready to fly, and almost indistinguishable from the adults. The only down side of this incredible sight is the MOUNTAINS OF POOP everywhere - really nasty poop, like something from a small dog rather than any kind of bird. Canada geese are the bane of farmers everywhere because they rip up newly-sprouted crops the way they rip up grass in a field. They can be surly and hissy and even aggressive, but most are respectful if YOU respect THEM. Little kids were chasing the geese around, and while the birds were not hurt by it, it hurt their dignity and sense of safety, and I wish their parents had told them to cut it out. Wild geese aren't public property - they're living beings and belong to themselves and to nature. These are massed families, and in spite of looking almost grown-up, the adults are still jealously protecting their young. Better than a lot of human families, I'd say. 

FIFTY SHADES OF EVIL: common traits of cult leaders

Here are the typical traits of the pathological cult leader (from Dangerous Personalities) that you should watch for: 

1. He has a grandiose idea of who he is and what he can achieve.

2. Is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, or brilliance. 

3. Demands blind, unquestioned obedience. 

4. Requires excessive admiration from followers and outsiders. 

5. Has a sense of entitlement—expecting to be treated as special at all times. 

6. Is exploitative of others by asking for their money or that of relatives, putting others at financial risk. 

7. Is arrogant and haughty in his behavior or attitude. 

8. Has an exaggerated sense of power (entitlement) that allows him to bend rules and break laws. 

9. Takes sexual advantage of members of his sect or cult. 

10. Sex is a requirement with adults and sub adults as part of a ritual or rite. 

11. Is hypersensitive to how he is seen or perceived by others. 

12. Publicly devalues others as being inferior, incapable, or not worthy. 

13. Makes members confess their sins or faults, publicly subjecting them to ridicule or humiliation while revealing exploitable weaknesses of the penitent. 

14. Has ignored the needs of others, including: biological, physical, emotional, and financial needs. 

15. Is frequently boastful of accomplishments. 

16. Needs to be the center of attention and does things to distract others to ensure that he or she is being noticed, e.g., by arriving late, using exotic clothing, overdramatic speech, or by making theatrical entrances. 

17. Has insisted on always having the best of anything (house, car, jewelry, clothes) even when others are relegated to lesser facilities, amenities, or clothing. 

18. Doesn’t seem to listen well to needs of others; communication is usually one-way, in the form of dictates. 

19. Haughtiness, grandiosity, and the need to be controlling is part of his personality. 

20. Behaves as though people are objects to be used, manipulated or exploited for personal gain. 

21. When criticized he tends to lash out not just with anger but with rage. 

22. Anyone who criticizes or questions him is called an “enemy.” 

23. Refers to non-members or non-believers as “the enemy.” 

24. Acts imperious at times, not wishing to know what others think or desire. 

25. Believes himself to be omnipotent. 

26. Has “magical” answers or solutions to problems. 

27. Is superficially charming. 

28. Habitually puts down others as inferior; only he is superior. 

29. Has a certain coldness or aloofness about him that makes others worry about who this person really is and or whether they really know him. 

30. Is deeply offended when there are perceived signs of boredom, being ignored or of being slighted. 

31. Treats others with contempt and arrogance. 

32. Is constantly assessing people to determine those who are a threat or those who revere him. 

33. The word “I” dominates his conversations. He is oblivious to how often he references himself. 

34. Hates to be embarrassed or fail publicly; when he does he acts out with rage. 

35. Doesn’t seem to feel guilty for anything he has done wrong nor does he apologize for his actions. 

36. Believes he possesses the answers and solutions to world problems. 

37. Believes himself to be a deity or a chosen representative of a deity. 

38. "Rigid," "unbending," or "insensitive" describes how this person thinks. 

39. Tries to control others in what they do, read, view, or think. 

40. Has isolated members of his sect from contact with family or the outside world. 

41. Monitors and/or restricts contact with family or outsiders. 

42. Works the least but demands the most. 

43. Has stated that he is “destined for greatness” or that he will be “martyred.” 

44. Seems to be highly dependent on tribute and adoration and will often fish for compliments. 

45. Uses enforcers or sycophants to ensure compliance from members or believers. 

46. Sees self as “unstoppable” and perhaps has even said so. 

47. Conceals background or family, which would disclose how plain or ordinary he is. 

48. Doesn’t think there is anything wrong with himself and in fact sees himself as perfection or “blessed.” 

49. Has taken away followers' freedom to leave, to travel, to pursue life and liberty. 

50. Has isolated the group physically (moved to a remote area) so as to not be observed

Matchbox Cats

Colorado-based artist Arna Miller uses vintage style packaging, advertising, and illustrations as inspiration for her goofy creations. The serious historical aesthetic and matter-of-fact text is subtly ridiculous, finding humor in imagining animals experiencing human emotions, ambitions, and failures.

In a statement on her website, Miller describes her guiding principles as an artist: “My aim is to create narrative illustrations that depict magical moments…I often use text to tell part of the story, but like to leave most of the narrative up to the viewer. My guiding rule—which I sometimes break—is Possible, but Not Likely. For example, it’s possible for a vole to sit on a cigarette box and float down a river, but it is not likely. On the other hand, dinosaurs didn’t have laptops and headphones, so I would not draw that.”

The matchbox series “Strike Your Fancy,” which Miller made in collaboration with her husband Ravi Zupa, shows cats staying out late and making dicey decisions.

💗🧡💛CATS IN LOVE (animated feline drama)!💚💙💜

I made this gif animation YEARS ago, found it in the file, and transformed it into a YouTube video (which I can DO now! Hurray.) The primitive nature of it does not seem to be a drawback, as some videos I see are six seconds of unintelligible, baffling "action" which may or may not be animated, garnering maybe twenty million views. 

Meghan and Harry: There's no "there" there! Total lack of content for their gazillion-dollar deals

US pressure mounting on Harry and Meghan over work ethic 'Where is the money going?'

PRESSURE in the US is mounting on Prince Harry and Meghan Markle, according to a leading royal expert, who warned Spotify and Netflix will soon be "wondering where the money has gone".

By Oli Smith

PUBLISHED: 20:50, Sun, Jul 18, 2021 | UPDATED: 20:50, Sun, Jul 18, 2021

Harry and Meghan criticised for 'lack of content' by Myers.

Prince Harry and Meghan Markle are under pressure "to produce the goods," according to a leading royal expert. It has nearly been a year since the Duke and Duchess of Sussex signed a with Netflix, thought to be worth up to $150 million. However, the couple has only announced two series for the streaming giant and has yet to release any content.

The couple also signed a huge deal with Spotify worth up to $50 million - and has only produced one podcast so far.

The Mirror's royal editor Russell Myers told Australia's Today programme that bosses from both Spotify and Netflix would soon be "wondering where their hard-earned dollars are going exactly".

Hosts of the programme asked: "Harry and Meghan are still making do financially on their own two feet, we believe.

"But pressure is mounting on them to deliver on this Spotify and Netflix deals. Big money is at stake."

Mr Myers responded: "Well, definitely. Why wouldn't it be?

"They were paid to the tune of $150 million for the Netflix deal they signed. Spotify has given them between $30 to $50 million dollars, we understand.

"And where is the content? We have had one podcast so far, and that hasn't caught the world alight.

"And they have a promised Netflix show which I'm sure will be fantastic because it's all about the Invictus Games.

"But certainly the big bosses at the two streaming giants will be wanting their pound of flesh.

"And if they are not producing the goods, the big bosses will be wondering where their hard-earned dollars are going exactly."

Progress on the couple's streaming deals has been slow, even after the couple hired Oscar-nominated producer Ben Browning to head up Archewell’s video content production.

In April, it was revealed that their first project would be a docuseries about the sporting tournament for wounded veterans, the Invictus Games, that Harry founded.

On Thursday this week, it was announced that Meghan will produce an animated series, Pearl.

The new show, which does not yet have a release date, follows a 12-year-old girl who is inspired by influential women in history.

Earlier this week, the couple earned an Emmy Award nomination for their controversial interview with Oprah Winfrey earlier this week.

CREEPY EXPERIMENTAL FILM: 1880s Volta Labs Recordings

The Volta Labs recordings just SOUND like they'd be creepy (in a good way), with the implication of Frankensteinian bolts of electricity and mad scientists with their hair all frizzed up and murder in their eyes. In truth, they were a series of sound recording experiments, mostly with grown men babbling away like babies. Played back, it wouldn't have sounded much better - but this was, after all, the 1880s, and ANY sound recording was impressive, even a bunch of technicians (who sound here as if they've been into the sauce) trying to sound as bizarre as possible. I've paired these weird curiosities with some visual curiosities: gifs I made ages ago and strung together into a kind-of video. The thousands of gifs I've made over the last ten years or so have a new life now, as YouTube videos, and it's even cooler now that I can add sound to them. But not just ANY sound! The sound of men acting like little boys about 140 years ago.  From Wikipedia: "The experimental sound recording studio was housed in a dilapidated old building called the Black Maria. Edison employees W. K. Dickson and Jonathan Campbell coined the name—it reminded them of police Black Marias (police vans, also known as 'paddywagons') of the time because they were also cramped, stuffy and a similar black color. Edison himself called it 'The Doghouse', but that name never took hold."

EXTREMELY PRIMITIVE 1947 TV Broadcast (“Hey, the camera's over HERE!”)

I love early '50s TV more than anything, BUT, there is one thing I love even more: 1940s TV! These excerpts were taken from the post-war period (1947), when everyone was so incredibly awkward that they even faced the wrong way when the cameras were on them. People had that distracted, "what do I do now" look  as they waited for some kind of signal from somebody. Many of the announcers and hosts were dredged from radio, and it shows, as their body language is terrified - the two hosts here clutch their own hands and nervously entwine and fiddle with their fingers, almost white-knuckled, while providing the most stilted narration ever. The Borden's ad is a new high or low in technical accomplishment - the puppet and ad presenter have their BACKS to the camera! They're facing the wrong way! TV was called "radio with pictures" then, and viewers weren't called viewers, nor the audience, nor even "all you folks out there in TV land" - they were TELEVISITORS, a name which, thank God, never caught on. 

😳 WEIRD-ASS OLD TAPE THINGIE (obsolete technology) 😶

I'm on summer vacation, so will continue to post some of the stranger videos I've made for my YouTube channel (which claims most of my creative energy these days). This one features inexplicably weird, obviously deeply obsolete equipment, the function of which is a mystery to me. Probably made sense at the time.

😳BIZARRE old stop-motion cartoon: "BALLOON TO THE MOON!"😳

Stop-motion animation always looks a little creepy, which is part of its charm - but this particular entry is even stranger, as the cartoon itself makes very little sense. I think the original was called Hearts and Flowers, which makes even less sense.

BIZARRE scene from Alice in Wonderland, 1903

This brief snippet from the first film version of Alice in Wonderland (1903) is the famous Cheshire Cat scene, in which the filmmakers made the decision to use a REAL cat who loafs drowsily in an artificial tree, looking bored. He does appear and disappear a few times, but we don't get to see that famous disembodied smile. But this was still considered movie magic in that era, and audiences were likely enraptured by it.

Cool gif find of the day

 

HOW TO USE THE TELEPHONE

 

This is an Euler's Disk

I have no idea what a Euler's Disk is, except a thing which spins around and around, but I could NOT stop watching this!

Prince of Piffle: Harry, we hardly know you!

DAILY MAIL    Sunday July 4/21

How the Prince of Piffle went from bloke to woke: He used to live for beer and naked billiards... now Harry's become a master of weird wokespeak. But never fear - JAN MOIR is here to translate

Once upon a time there was a prince who lived for drinking beer and watching rugby and sometimes running around in the scuddy, occasionally while playing nude billiards with comely young maidens.

He was popular, he was kind, he joined the Army to serve his country in Afghanistan and everyone adored him.

The Harry we used to know and love was a straightforward, straight-talking, two scant A-levels sort of bloke.

Then that all changed. Harry met a girl! He got married. He moved to California and different things became important to him. Things such as climate change, mental health, social media, mindfulness, raindrops, and myriad other subjects he could lecture us on at length, with passion, ad infinitum.

Somewhere along the line, he mutated from cheeky chappie to woke bloke, from devil may care, to caring very, very much indeed. So much so that he wanted you to care, too. And as he changed, so did how he talked.

Over recent years, Prince Harry has become a master of his very own brand of wokespeak. A kind of jargon-led, plum dumb waffle, sugared with an endearing raspberry ripple of his customary mild confusion. The result is an Eton mess of words that entrance his fans but utterly bamboozle the rest of us.

What the hell is he going on about? No wonder that the words ‘Harry’ and ‘clarity’ are rarely used in the same sentence.

In the modern manner, he is now an expert at constructing elaborate, airy sentence soufflés that mask the essential nothingness of what he is saying. In his speeches and utterances, he has become obsessed with key words such as authentic, trapped, lost, truth and oh God, compassion.

The prince has become in cyberspace that most terrifying figure in contemporary life — a man with a mission and a website. On the Archewell site that promotes the global good works undertaken by the Duke and Duchess of Sussex he states: ‘I truly believe that good mental fitness is the key to powerful leadership, productive communities and a purpose-driven self.’

Is that like a smart car? Who knows, but the prince has had a lot of therapy. What was that like, Harry? ‘It was like the bubble was burst and I plucked my head out of the sand and gave it a good shake-off.’

Car, ostrich, soap, shake? I’m confused already.

In his infamous interview with Oprah, Harry said that, unlike other members of his family, he wanted to ‘just, like, just be, just be yourself. Just be genuine. Just be authentic.’

But what is that? In a bid to find out, we tiptoe through the tulips of princely verbiage that denote Harry’s great awokening. We stand side by side, the puzzled swine before whom Prince Harry casts his pearls of woke wisdom from his great pulpit of blather and bull.

Here is his incredible journey from yahoo to guru in his own inimitable words . . .

AWKWARD APOLOGY, 2005

Awkward that one of Prince Harry’s very first public statements — in 2005 — is an apology for wearing a Nazi uniform to a fancy dress party.

What he said: ‘I’m very sorry if I caused any offence or embarrassment to anyone. It was a poor choice of costume and I apologise.’

What he meant: ‘Whassup! Oh no, do I have to read this boring statement out loud? I don’t know why you are so angry Pater, because Straubs and Skippy thort it was a right laff.’

OPENING CONCERT FOR DIANA, 2007

THEN: ‘Hello Wembley! It’s great to see so many of you here tonight. Of course, when William and I first had this idea, we forgot that we’d end up standing here, desperately trying to think up something funny to say. Well, we’ll leave that to the funny people. And Ricky Gervais.’

NOW: Can you imagine a time when Prince Harry would appear in an arena in front of thousands and not lecture them about saving the planet? He even made a joke that is actually funny. Remember when he used to do that? Remember?

THEN: In 2009, Prince Harry is forced to apologise for calling a fellow cadet at Sandhurst ‘our little P*** friend’. He also accuses another of looking ‘like a raghead’ in racist slurs captured on video in 2006.

NOW: At the Princess Diana Awards last year, Harry seizes the opportunity to lecture us all that ‘institutional racism has no place in our societies, yet it is still endemic’, and that ‘unconscious bias must be acknowledged without blame, to create a better world.’ Yet he did not acknowledge or apologise for his mistakes in this area, nor mention he was sent on a diversity course as a result.

Sometimes what is not said is even more important than what is said, don’t you think?

THE ENGAGEMENT

When his engagement to Meghan Markle is announced in 2017, Prince Harry is not long out of the Army. Indeed, he speaks of his fiancee’s entree into the Royal Family as though she were taking part in a military exercise.

‘For me, it’s an added member of the family. It’s another team player . . . what we want to do is be able to carry out the right engagements, carry out our work and try and encourage others in the younger generation to be able to see the world in the correct sense.’

She’s a woman, Harry, not an all-terrain tank. Still, note that use chilling use of ‘correct sense’.’ Already he is moving into the role of jolly green tyrant convinced of the rightness of his views.

And Meghan employs the doltish Californian mindfulness her fiance will soon embrace, too. By marrying him, she is ‘investing time and energy to make it happen’, ‘nurturing our relationship’ and focusing ‘on who we are as a couple’.

THE MEGHAN INFLUENCE

Her words, his mouth . . .

2018: ‘What Meghan wants, Meghan gets.’

2018: ‘As my wife said many years ago when working on menstrual health and health education, this is not about periods but potential.’

2019: ‘As my wife often reminds me with one of her favourite quotes by Martin Luther King Jr. — “Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that.”’

2020: ‘You know, when you go into a shop with your children and you only see white dolls, do you even think: “That’s weird, there is not a black doll there?” ’

GENERAL WOKESPEAK

March 2021: Harry gets a new job as chief impact officer of mental health firm BetterUp. ‘My goal is to lift up critical dialogues around mental health, build supportive and compassionate communities, and foster an environment for honest and vulnerable conversations. And my hope is to help people develop their inner strength, resilience, and confidence.’

May 2021: Interview with the Armchair Expert podcast about mental health: ‘Any single one of us, whoever we are, wherever we come from, we’re always trying to find some way to be able to mask the actual feeling. And be able to try and make us feel different to how we are actually feeling, perhaps from having a feeling, right?’

May 2021: At the Vax Live concert, Harry even attempts to ‘reunite the world,’ after coronavirus. ‘None of us should be comfortable thinking that we could be fine when so many others are suffering. In reality, and especially with this pandemic, when any suffer, we all suffer. We must look beyond ourselves with empathy and compassion for those we know, and those we don’t.’

HARRY THE DRIPPING TAP

‘I believe even more that climate change and mental health are two of the most pressing issues that we’re facing and in many ways, they are linked,’ he declares on The Me You Can’t See documentary aired on Apple TV in May.

‘The connecting line is about our collective wellbeing and when our collective wellbeing erodes that affects our ability to be caretakers of ourselves, of our communities and of our planet ultimately . . . we have to create a more supportive culture for each other where challenges don’t have to live in the dark . . . and where physical and mental health can be treated equally because they are one.’

Sorry to barge in, but did anyone leave the taps running?

‘A lot of people are doing the best they can to try and fix these issues but that whole sort of analogy of walking into the bathroom with a mop when the bath is over-flooding rather than just turning the tap off — are we supposed to accept that these problems are just going to grow and grow and we have to adapt and build resilience . . .’

NOT A RAY OF SUNSHINE

‘Every forest, every river, every ocean, every coastline, every insect, every wild animal. Every blade of grass, every ray of sun and every rain drop is crucial to our survival,’,’ says Harry making a speech at WE Day UK youth event in 2019.

‘It is all connected, we are all inter-connected. You in this room understand that and are already making this a safer, healthier and more resilient home for all of us and for generations to come. And for that I applaud you.’

Prince Harry also urges the kidz not to be swayed by social media or the mainstream media ‘distorting the truth.’ The mainstream media have something to say about that.

Is Prince Harry a Puppet? roars ITV’s Good Morning Britain. Meanwhile, queen of daytime TV Lorraine Kelly is understandably muddled. ‘I don’t know what he was talking about, it was gobbledygook,’ she says.

RAINDROPS KEEP FALLING ON MY HEAD

Uh oh. In December 2020, Prince Harry makes a speech to help launch an environmental documentary streaming platform called WaterBear. He wastes no time in calling for ‘affirmative action’ on climate change.

‘Don’t be a hypocrite like me and fly in private jets,’ is exactly what he does not say.

Instead, Harry waffles on about something called ‘sustainable nature-based economic stimulus packages that embrace a One Health approach . . .’. He also touches on ‘training a young generation of talented storytellers to create more inspiration and excitement around those values’.

Who are these budding bards generating thrills with their quills? Answer came there none. Instead it was on to the rain.

‘Every single raindrop that falls from the sky relieves the parched ground. What if every single one of us was a raindrop? And if every single one of us cared, which we do, because we have to care because at the end of the day nature is our life source.’

I’m still confused. Clarity, Harry! He gives it his best shot: ‘For me it’s about putting the dos behind the says, and that is something that WaterBear is going to be doing: capitalising on a community of doers. There’s a lot of people that say, but this is about action.’

HOW MANY PEOPLE CAN I ANNOY TODAY?

October 2020: In an interview to mark Black History Month: ‘The world that we know has been created by white people for white people. I’ve had an awakening as such of my own, because I wasn’t aware of so many of the issues and so many of the problems within the UK, but also globally as well. I thought I did but I didn’t.’

May 2021: Harry takes part in an Armchair Expert podcast with Dax Shepard: ‘I’ve got so much I want to say about the First Amendment as I sort of understand it, but it is bonkers. I don’t want to start going down the First Amendment route because that’s a huge subject and one which I don’t understand because I’ve only been here a short time. But, you can find a loophole in anything. You can capitalise or exploit what’s not said rather than uphold what is said.’

THE OPRAH INTERVIEW

In the infamous interview aired in March, Harry says: ‘I’ve spent many years doing the work and doing my own learning. But my upbringing in the system, of which I was brought up in and what I’ve been exposed to, it wasn’t — I wasn’t aware of it, to start with. But, my God, it doesn’t take very long to suddenly become aware of it.’

Author and Daily Mail writer Craig Brown has a theory that Harry confuses the word ‘compassion’, with ‘contempt’. For example, after telling Oprah his father stopped taking his calls and he and his elder brother were ‘on different paths’, and also having hinted that one or other of them might be racist, he says: ‘My father and my brother, they are trapped. They don’t get to leave. And I have huge compassion for that.’
Harking back to harry the LAD

2008: During his service with the British Army in Afghanistan: ‘No one really knows where I am and I prefer to keep it that way until I get back in one piece and can tell them where I was. At the moment, they think I’m tucked away, wrapped up in cotton wool.’

2010: Chatting with Prince William about England’s role in the World Cup: ‘A win would be fantastic, but I don’t think we should put a number on it. 1-0? A win’s a win. I’m more of a rugby fan but this seems to be a World Cup full of surprises. Let’s see what happens.’

2011: Before William and Kate’s wedding: ‘I’ve got to know Kate pretty well, but now that she’s becoming part of the family, I’m really looking forward to getting her under my wing — or she’ll be taking me under her wing, probably. She’s a fantastic girl. She really is.’

2013: During his military service in Afghanistan: ‘I’m one of the guys. I don’t get treated any differently.’

SPOT THE DIFFERENCE

2015: At a youth centre in Cape Town, South Africa: ‘I would like to have come to a place like this. When I was at school, I wanted to be the bad boy.’

2019: At a youth empowerment launch in London: ‘Be kind to each other. Be kind to yourselves. Have less screen time and more face-to-face time. Exceed expectations . . . Keep empathy alive. Change your thoughts and change the world . . . your role is to shine the light.’

A Cat Named Kalamazoo

It was Della and the Dealer and a dog named Jake
And a cat named Kalamazoo.
Left the city in a pick up truck,
Gonna make some dreams come true.

Yea, they rolled out west where the wild sun sets
And the coyote bays at the moon.
Della and the Dealer and a dog named Jake
and a cat named Kalamazoo

If that cat could talk what tales he'd tell
About Della and the Dealer and the dog
as well
But the cat was cool, and he never said a mumblin word.

Down Tucson way there's a small cafe
Where they play a little cowboy tune.
And the guitar picker was a friend of mine
By the name of Randy Boone.

Yea, Randy played her a sweet love song
And Della got a fire in her eye
The Dealer had a knife and the dog had a gun
and the cat had a shot of Rye.

If that cat could talk what tales he'd tell
About Della and the Dealer and the dog
as well
But the cat was cool, and he never said a mumblin word.

Yea, the dealer was a killer,
He was evil and mean
And he was jealous of the fire in her eyes.
He snorted his coke through a century note
And swore that Boone would die.

The stage was set when the lights went out.
There was death in Tucson town.
Two shadows ran for the bar back door
And one stayed on the ground

If that cat could talk what tales he'd tell
About Della and the Dealer and the dog
as well
But the cat was cool, and he never said a mumblin word.

Two shadows ran from the bar that night
And dog and cat ran too.
And the tires got hot on the pick up truck
As down the road they flew.

It was Della and her lover and a dog named Jake
And a cat named Kalamazoo.
Left Tucson in a pick-up truck
Gonna make some dreams come true.

If that cat could talk what tales he'd tell
About Della and the Dealer and the dog
as well
But the cat was cool, and he never said a mumblin word.