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The Oldest Pants: or, just go shopping, will you?

Just wanted you to know that they've found the oldest pants. Or at least they think they've found the oldest pants. Who are "they"? Just ask the good folk at The Vintage News. Or don't. It won't make any difference. The research on this site (I go on their Facebook page when I'm supremely bored or wish to numb my mind) is questionable at best, slipshod at worst, and the writing - . It is as if somebody handed in their Grade 7 history assignment a little too early and should have spent a bit more time learning spelling and grammar. And maybe doing a little research.

But this is what passes for information in the information age. It's a kind of National Geographic for the who-really-cares-if-it's-true set. A Ripley's Believe It Or Don't. This-here is only part of an article about Really Old Clothes They Found Somewhere. "They" found 10,000-year-old shoes in Oregon, lace-ups that look almost modern, and the article said NOTHING about the source of them, the provenance, who made them, who wore them - nothing! This is because when we are on the verge of learning something, they quickly pull us out of danger. At times, as with the last item on this short-but-not-short-enough list, you know you've slipped sideways into "come-on-you're-pulling-my-leg" territory.

What I like most about this site is that nearly every sentence begins with "researchers say". Kind of like "studies show", or "sources reveal". Lots of latitude there. But I kind of like the pants. They remind me of Otzi's pants. . . and you know how I feel about Otzi.

The Vintage News Oldest Pants

Oldest pants

These pants were found in the Yanghai tombs in China in 2014. Despite how much they were worn and how old they are, they were found in great condition. Researchers believe that the pants were custom made by the separate weaving of pieces of cloth for the legs and crotch area. The pants also have geometric designs which was woven directly into the fabric. Researchers say that the pants like these had been popular among equestrian tribes in the region around 4,000 years ago.

I am glad to find out that the geometric designs "was woven directly into the fabric" rather than ironed on or appliqued or maybe punched in with one of those rhinestone-and-stud-installing doohickeys made by Ronco.

I'm also happy to hear that "the pants like these" were so popular with "equestrians". All those people at the Olympics, the ones going over the jumps right now? They should be wearing these.

And another thing. "Tribes" covers a lot of ground. It could be just about anybody.

Oldest socks

Dating from 300-500, these were excavated from Oxyrhynchus on the Nile in Egypt.

These socks date back to around 350 and 420 AD. They are considered to be Romano-Egyptian and were found in a burial ground in an ancient Greece colony in the late 1800s.

They are considered alien socks, or lobster toes, because the wool socks were knitted in bright red and have a split toe, possibly because they were worn with thong sandals. They were knitted with a rare stitch called Nalbindning, or single-needle knitting.

SINGLE-NEEDLE KNITTING. OK. You just take a piece of wool and a knitting needle and they kind of bash against each other until the sock is done.

I have found out who wore these: it's either Big Bird or this thing, whatever-it-is, above. The "alien socks"and "lobster toes" are just too bizarre to contemplate. One thing you can count on with The Vintage News: they will NEVER explain anything to you. That might lead to a serious case of education.

Oldest Bra. Source Institute for Archaeologies

The bra was discovered under the floorboards of an Austrian castle in 2008. There were four linen bras decorated with lace found in a pile of more than 2,700 different textile fragments in between the floor boards in Lengberg Castle. Researchers believe that the bras date somewhere between 1390 and 1485. During that time, they were called “breast bags”. All four of the bras include distinct cups and shoulder straps, while two other items are more of a combination between a bra and short shirt.

Maybe it's the flimsiness of the prose, or - oh hell, we KNOW this isn't true because nobody wore bras then, they didn't exist, it's obviously just a modern bra that someone boiled the hell out of. For all I know, it's the way they're wearing them now. And sticking an old bra under the floorboards strikes me as a hell of an odd way to get rid of it.  Austrian royalty in 1390 had some very peculiar habits.

So NOW can we got on with something interesting? It insulted me to read that these are the Oldest Pants. What about Otzi?

Otzi's pants were not only old - they were funky. He knew how to wear them when he was stepping out on the tundra. Otzi has been horribly misrepresented in all those so-called reconstructions. In my heart, I know he was a romantic with a melancholy expression. Kind of like THIS:

So MY Otzi looks like a Gary Oldman with a slightly higher hairline.

NEWS FLASH. Those socks? Nuh-uh. They're silicone oven gloves from Ikea.

"Clap hands, one, two": the vanishing point

Clap hands, one, two
Let's take a trip to the Wrigley Zoo
Chitter, chatter, yakety-yak
When you talk to the animals they talk back.

We'll talk to Bobby Bear today,
Let's hear what Bobby has to say:
If you ask me there's nothing wrong
With eating honey all day long
But that's not how my mother feels
She says I must eat healthy meals.
And for a treat, she gives me some
Delicious Wrigley Spearmint gum
It helps to keep teeth clean and bright
And never spoils my appetite.

I found this on one of those message boards, the kind with a lot of pointless stuff on it. It's not the first time I've seen it, but it's the first time in 50-some years. I love old TV ads, watch them on YouTube all the time, even buy DVD sets of them that my granddaughter Caitlin avidly watches with me. I had this buried memory - repressed memory or something, except it wasn't quite repressed. It was about a series of television ads from the early '60s for Wrigley's gum, and it featured the "Wrigley Zoo", with several different animals featured. For literally years I couldn't find out anything about this. I mean, there was nothing. In near-despair, I went on YouTube and asked about it in the comments, and a number of people said, "Yes, oh yes, I DO remember that ad! Whatever happened to it?" So I knew I wasn't completely crazy. But there's no trace of these ads on YouTube anywhere, though I do hold out hope.

Someone remembers this lyric, God knows who, so the rest of it must be out there somewhere.

I'm working up to something here (so "bear" with me).  Of the many strange things I discovered while searching/researching Harold Lloyd's life for my novel The Glass Character, this was the strangest. It was a site, a very plain one with no identifying marks on it, old-fashioned and rather primitive in setup, a brown-paper Blogger site like mine. The title of it was Psychic Bridging, and it was mighty strange stuff. Now I wish I had copied and pasted it and kept it somewhere, because my memories are so strange I don't know if I can trust them. It was all about a form of time travel where you don't even leave your armchair: like remote viewing, you can stay in the here and now, yet see things from the past and the future. How? Hell if I know.

The guy who wrote all this was named Paul Simon - "not Paul Simon," he assured us, "Paul SIMON." That name led me to a YouTube video he made, so poorly lit and shot that it was hard to understand. Also very long and monotonous. 

The site was extremely garbled. It talked about spirits being trapped in cell phones and other electronic devices, a theory I have never heard before or since. But it mentioned Harold. It mentioned Harold as being somehow involved in psychic bridging, which I gather was being used experimentally by the government during the Cold War. Or whatever.

This is beginning to sound like an episode of Weird or What?, but I'll continue. I remember fragments only - this was six or seven years ago, and the web site soon vanished without a trace. I can't even google psychic bridging now because NOTHING comes up. Google toothpaste sandwich or goldfish tennis shoes, and you will likely get something, but not this. As I said, it mentioned Harold. It said that "the actor Harold Lloyd became self-detached while filming in the 1940s and had to be hospitalized." This was as weird as the haunted cell phones. Self-detached?

Strange to say, Harold WAS filming then, the last movie he ever made, a flop called The Sin of Harold Diddlebock. Preston Sturges, egged on by Howard Hughes, had convinced him to come out of retirement to make one more film, but it was a sad end to a brilliant career.

I'd brush the whole thing off as the rantings of a nut, except. Except that Harold was fascinated with the arcane, had a tremendously powerful mind, loved his country and would have done anything to serve it, and had the curiosity of a child genius. Through his deep involvement in freemasonry, which is now thought of as some sort of Satanic conspiracy deal rather than just a dull men's club, he could have found out about this stuff, or even been approached. It is not that far-fetched when you look at some of the experimentation that went on in that era, behaviour modification, LSD, sleep deprivation, psychological torture, etc. And probably worse.

Was Harold involved in this weird shit? He was involved with Howard Hughes, though not happily.  AND William Randolph Hearst, though to survive in Hollywood back then you didn't have much choice. I just don't want to rule it out, though as with the Wrigley Zoo, I have no proof. The site is gone, and that video - I just tried to look it up, and it looks like it has vanished too.

Weird. Or what.

Post-whatever. As usual, I did find more. Strangely, a record still exists with five commercials from the Wrigley Zoo series (so it really did happen!). We have audio, but I don't know what happened to the video - confiscated by the CIA, perhaps?

WRIGLEY ZOO ~ rare 1960's 7" + cover (5 commercials)

Share on twitterMore Sharing ServicWRIGLEY ZOO Soundtrack

WRIGLEY ZOO SOUNDTRACK
Words and Music from Wrigley Zoo TV Commercials

(Wrigley B-3099)

Rare original 1960's one-sided compact 7" 33rpm record, featuring five vintage "Wrigley Zoo" TV spots. Includes the commercials for Buster Beaver, Bobby Bear (not to be confused with the country singer), Melvin Monkey, Clara Camel and Susan Seal. "Clap hands, one-two / Let's take a trip to the Wrigley Zoo / Chitter-chatter, yakety-yak / When you talk to the animals, they talk back".

Record is VG++, plays very cleanly and sounds great. Labels are near mint. Cardboard stock picture sleeve is VG++. Scarce collectible in top condition.

Winning bidder pays shipping costs as follows:

US rates for one 7" record are $2.95 for first class or media mail, or $5.95 for priority mail. You may combine multiple items to save costs -- shipping is only 50 cents per each additional 7" record. For more than 8 records shipped together, media mail replaces first class.

Airmail shipping to Canada is $2.95 for the first 7" record and $1.00 for each additional.

International airmail shipping (other than Canada) is $4.95 for the first 7" record and $1.50 for each additional. Rates for multi-record sets or EP's with heavy cardboard covers may be slightly higher. Please note: unfortunately, due to rampant mail fraud and unreceived items, I DO NOT ship to Italy or South America. All records are securely packed with extra cardboard stiffeners for extra protection. If you use PayPal for multiple items, please make a single payment for all auctions combined. Otherwise, combined shipping rates will not apply. Please check out my other auctions or For a large selection of additional CD's at bargain prices, please visit my partner mousewink's eBay auctions. 04.04.004

And as a bonus, I found some info on a series of pop-ups - books or cards or something (? - not clear exactly what they were, except they popped up). There are a few photos of them, for sale on eBay and the like.

Attached to one of these sites was a stanza about Melvin Monkey, whom I don't remember very well. Were these ads censored for some reason? Ye gods.

Clap hands, one, two,

Let’s take a trip to the Wrigley zoo,

Chitter chatter, yakety yak.

When you talk to the animals they talk back.

We’ll talk to Melvin Monkey today,

let’s hear what Melvin has to say:

“My mummy says I should realize

That monkeys all need exercise,

But teeth need exercising too

And my mum makes it fun to do,

For when I swing she gives me some

Delicious WRIGLEY’s SPEARMINT GUM

It helps to keep teeth clean and bright

And never spoils my appetite.

My mum’s my favourite swinging chum,

We both like Wrigley’s spearmint gum. “

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Stopette! Stopette RIGHT NOW!

I could, can, and do watch old commercials by the hour. Some of them I actually remember - in fact, the 1950s ones are probably among my first memories of being alive on this earth. From the very start, I was a vid kid.

There was an obsession then with giving products intimidating-sounding names that gave you a sense of control, or, at least, stopping something. Thus, the early deodorant product Stopette (a name which somehow wouldn't fly today), a shampoo with the bizarre name Subdue, Enden ("dandruff problems are ended by Enden, ended by Enden"), and, of course, Tame.

I don't know if any of these products are still around today. I looked for more with similar control-obsessed names, but they all had to do with hair, and I was sick of the image of hair being stiffly shaken to show how "natural-looking" it is (even in the later, '60s Tame ad with its Marlo Thomas 'do).

Note the forbidding-looking X on the Enden jar. This stuff means business. It doesn't just treat, it annihilates. That woman could kill you with one swing of the head.

Having become sick of hair and its regimentation, I branched out into other products.  There was Allerest, of course, with its aggressive police-force vibe; and Compoz, some sort of bromide-based tranquillizer along the lines of Miles Nervine. It brought to mind the classic "Mother, please!" Anacin commercial, with its famous line, "Control yourself! Sure, you have a headache". I FINALLY found a video of this ad after more than a decade of frustration. This is the best version I could come up with.

Not the best, with its black borders, but sometimes that's all you have to work with. Even my own mother, who was in many ways the archetypal '50s housewife, thought this ad was absurd, even parodying it as she stirred the tapioca pudding.

But I don't suppose anyone realized just how disturbing this Anacin commercial is, with the woman's mental health fraying into a thread due to the shenanigans of her naughty kids, This causes her to automatically reach for the "solution": a chill pill. The ominous throbbing zoom-in, the red screen and fraying rope seem to indicate she's near the snapping point, whatever that means (butcher knife, anyone?) Reaching for a pill instead of dealing with domestic problems was something encouraged by doctors, who often prescribed a lot stronger stuff than Anacin.

But this is the really creepy part. The threads resolve themselves back into the kind of rope that would be sturdy enough to hang yourself with. I wonder if the advertisers even thought of that. At the very least, a rope is something you use to tie things up/down (such as yourself - or maybe the kids?). The bland unfocussed look on the woman's face indicates that she has likely washed down her Anacin pill with several martinis.

POST-NOTE. The first two gifs have two women in them, or one woman duplicated side-by-side, for reasons I still can't figure out. In fact, this post was originally going to feature ads with duplicate women, but I couldn't find any more. The Doublemint Twins just wouldn't do.

And your hamster

Harold's Rogue's Gallery: now we know

This is a strange one, but it's an indication of Harold Lloyd's continuing popularity and his fans' eagerness to collect his memorabilia.

The Rogue's Gallery, which is being auctioned off here, is a collection of photographs Harold had hanging in his (long, long, underground) hallway at his estate, Greenacres. Whenever anyone visited him, his wife Mildred requested or required that they bring a signed photograph of themselves. I often wondered during the researching/writing of The Glass Character what happened to those photos. With Harold living on such a gargantuan scale, there may well have been hundreds of them. I did come across another writer who asked the same thing: the photos had been publicly displayed once, I think in the 1960s, but what had happened to them after that?

Now we know.

This isn't the kind of event I am able to get to, for various reasons. I have no money, for one thing. It looks as if it's by invitation only. Certainly I couldn't afford a Rogue's Gallery photo, but I don't particularly want one. The best part, in fact the ONLY part of The Glass Character that had real meaning for me was writing it. After that, it fell into a hole. 

I'm still trying to recover. I'm lousy at making contacts - I tried over and over again and was rebuffed, so I don't seem to have "luck" or the magic formula. Kevin Brownlow was nice to me: I think he's wonderful and a real gentleman (not to mention the world's foremost expert on silent film!), but he was the only one who would give me the time of day. To this day, I can ask him any sort of question about the movies, and he will promptly answer me (and with great enthusiasm). The rest of them either did not respond at all, or showed only brief interest, then dropped it without explanation.

If this happens once or even twice, maybe it's just hard luck. Three times? You've misfired, done something very seriously wrong. And I'm still trying to figure out what that is.

Tonette

Just made the discovery - an old discovery, if there is such a thing - that I can access the Internet Archives for old ads. I've seen a lot of them on YouTube, of course, but there are always discoveries. With my "new" Imgur program, I can make gifs out of these videos, which is nice because I DO get weary of the limitations of YouTube.

I'm also thinking of other things. The other day I was thrilled to have retrieved part of a document I had deleted in a fit of - what, disgust? This was an over 1000-page "story" I'd been working on, on and off, for a year or so. I was writing it only for myself. This isn't the first time I've done something like that, written a lot of stories for myself, then gotten fed up and deleted them. Now I want them all back. But this time, by some miracle, I accessed a number of "rescued files", though only 800 or so pages was there.

Then my magnificent husband said, "I backed up all your stuff a few months ago. It might be there." Most of it was, to my amazement. But I hadn't looked at it in a very long time, and reading it over gave me the strangest feeling. Now I wonder whether I want to continue.

It's not edited, it's repetitive, etc. and I make no attempt to polish it or make it "good", but there are chunks of raw story that I DO think are good, as are some of the characters. For the first time, just this moment in fact, while slapping up my usual fusty old '50s ad gifs, I'm wondering about posting some of it. I don't even have a title for the damn thing! Chrysalis, which is the name of the organization in this thing, sounds too science-fictiony. Originally it was called Climbing the Wall.

My rule for it was "no work". Don't put pressure on myself:  just write. Don't be professional. Writing Harold gutted me, or at least the heartbreak of another failed novel gutted me, so I will never put myself through that again.

I don't want this to suddenly be "work", and I don't even know if I want to continue and try to make up the 100-or-so pages (?) that were truly lost.

But I wonder if this sudden thought is a way of getting myself writing again, meaning writing something that another set of human eyes might see.

I don't know.

Hey, little girl, comb your hair, fix your makeup

In May of 1955, Housekeeping Monthly published an article entitled, “The Good Wife’s Guide,” detailing all the ways that a wife should act and how best she can be a partner to her husband and a mother to her children.

It may feel a little strange to accept these rules today, but it remains so interesting to see how society once behaved.



Click Americana


1.) Have dinner ready. Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious meal ready, on time for his return. This is a way of letting him know that you have been thinking about him and are concerned about his needs.

2.) Most men are hungry when they come home and the prospect of a good meal (especially his favorite dish) is part of the warm welcome needed.




Flickr/mid-century illustrated


3.) Prepare yourself. Take 15 minutes to rest so you’ll be refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your makeup, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh-looking. He has just been with a lot of work-weary people.

4.) Be a little gay and a little more interesting for him. His boring day may need a lift and one of your duties is to provide it.



Pinterest


5.) Clear away the clutter. Make one last trip through the main part of the house just before your husband arrives. Gather up schoolbooks, toys, paper, etc. and then run a dust cloth over the tables.



And the Words became Books


6.) Over the cooler months of the year you should prepare and light a fire for him to unwind by. Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order, and it will give you a lift too. After all, catering for his comfort will provide you with immense personal satisfaction.



Etsy/printsandpastimes


7.) Prepare the children. Take a few minutes to wash the children’s hands and faces (if they are small), comb their hair and, if necessary, change their clothes.

8.) Children are little treasures and he would like to see them playing the part. Minimize all noise. At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise of the washer, dryer or vacuum. Try to encourage the children to be quiet.


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9.) Be happy to see him. Free him with a warm smile and show sincerity in your desire to please him. Listen to him.

10.) You may have a dozen important things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first — remember, his topics of conversation are more important than yours.



Pinterest


11.) Make the evening his. Never complain if he comes home late or goes out to dinner, or other places of entertainment without you. Instead, try to understand his world of strain and pressure and his very real need to be at home and relax.



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12.) Your goal: Try to make sure your home is a place of peace, order and tranquility where you husband can renew himself in body and spirit.

13.) Don’t greet him with complaints and problems.



Flickr/Isabel Santos Pilot


14.) Don’t complain if he’s late home for dinner or even if he stays out all night. Count this as minor compared to what he might have gone through that day.



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15.) Make him comfortable. Have him lean back in a comfortable chair or have him lie down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready for him.

16.) Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in a low, soothing and pleasant voice.



The Glamorous Housewife


17.) Don’t ask him questions about his actions or question his judgment of integrity. Remember, he is the master of the house and as such will always exercise his will with fairness and truthfulness. You have no right to question him.

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18. A GOOD WIFE ALWAYS KNOWS HER PLACE.

This piece was borrowed from THIS site, though it is all over the internet by now.

http://www.littlethings.com/1950s-good-housewife-guide/?utm_medium=Facebook

OK, readers. . . in case you think this gem is a hoax/parody, dig this. It looks like it's real, because it'd be hard to fake a newspaper clipping like this one.

Time to get ready for. . . indentured servitude.

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