Cannabis and Brain Salt: advertisements by the yard

 

 

 

 

Vigorous Manhood!

Vigorous Manhood

Two “Health Belt Men”: One 50 Years Old, the Other 30. Can You Pick Out the Younger?

I can show you how to restore your youth and how to keep it. A “Health Belt Man” CANNOT grow old; he must be young forever. Years count for nothing. In this life, so long as you have great vitality, Weakness, Nervousness, Unmanliness are conditions to be laughed at by the intelligent user of my great appliance, for it gives, in abundance, all that vim, vigor and nerve force which the weakened system craves. 

Worn every night and all night for two or three months, it sends a great, warm glowing volume of electricity into your body through the nerve centres at small of back: from the first hour’s use you experience a decided benefit; there is a great mysterious force which gets right to work. No drugs to be taken; no conditions imposed except that dissipation must cease. Help Nature that much: the Belt will do the rest. 

It takes the weakness and kink out of your back; it drives rheumatic pains away from all parts of the body; you will feel and look young and strong again; women and men noticing your physical change will be more attracted toward you on account of your new vitality and life; in two months you can experience the full vigor of perfect manhood. Charles L. Snell of Middleport, N. Y., writes: “Your Health Belt cured me of Nervous Debility, Lost Vigor, Kidney and Bladder troubles after all else failed.” This is but one testimonial among thousands which you may see if you care to.

Let Me Send You My Book FREE

It fully describes my Health Belt, and contains much valuable information. One part is called “Health in Nature,” and deals with various ailments common to both men and women, such as rheumatism, kidney, liver, stomach, bladder disorders, etc. The other part, “Strength,” is a private treatise for men only. Sent upon application, free, sealed, by mail.

If in or near this city, take the time to drop in at my office, that you may see, examine and try the Belt. No charge for professional advice either at my office or by mail. If you cannot call, fill in the coupon and get the free book by return mail. It is better than a fortune for any one needing new vigor.

DR. ALFRED SANDEN CO.  

1151 Broadway  New York City

Chameleon Circus!

 

 

BLOGGER'S OBSERVATONS: I remember the "chameleon". I had one as a kid, since they were wildly popular and readily available in any pet store for only a few dollars (and I loved lizards, snakes, frogs, toads, salamanders, newts, and whatever crawly things I could get my hands on). These weren't chameleons at all, of course, but tiny bright-green anole lizards.  My "chameleon" was sluggish at the best of times, and soon died. I saw no evidence of circus skills that could be exploited in a "real live animal act". 

The worst of it was that I had to keep a bag of LIVE meal worms in the refrigerator, where they went into semi-hibernation (which was supposed to keep them alive). They ended up scaring the hell out of my mother when she opened up the brown paper bag in the fridge, thinking it was the remnants of someone's lunch, and finding instead a writhing bag of worms.

Since the "chameleon" wasn't really a chameleon, it only had limited ability to change colour. Normally a bright neon green, it was supposed to turn brownish in low light. Frustrated that it wouldn't turn colour, and having been told it needed a dark place to change, I put it in my brother's clarinet case, with bad results. Due to the sudden shock of discovering a squirming lizard in his instrument case, my brother reacted violently and the chameleon went flying through the air, which was the closest it ever came to performing tricks. 

I saw a large anole, or some similar type of lizard, on my last trip to Hawaii, but like most lizards it mostly just sat there clinging to the bark of a tree, once in a while lunging at an insect. But in some videos, I was surprised to see anole lizards viciously fighting with each other. One wonders why such potentially-aggressive creatures were ever sold to children.

Maybe it was a circus romance? Unwilling or unable to walk tightropes or perform other such undignified tricks, maybe two rival males duked it out over a comely female anole, perhaps the type who did tricks on top of a galloping horse. In any case, it seems highly unlikely these lizards could or would perform high-wire tricks on command. In fact, they were most likely dead on arrival, like all those other "free" animals - capuchin monkeys, cute little "tea cup" chihuahuas ("Will you give me a home?"), etc., that you could get by selling salve door-to-door.

My anole was nice, for the three weeks or so it lasted, but it too went into a kind of dormant state, since my mother INSISTED I keep it in the (cold) basement. At least it didn't suffer the terrible fate of Bee Bee. The cat killed and ate my beloved budgie, which had been allowed to fly free in the house. One awful day, the budgie swooped down on the cat once too often. All we could find was a pile of turquoise feathers and one claw. He also mauled a hamster to death, but didn't bother eating it. 

Pets escape, and the results aren't pretty. But neither are battles to the death among tiny, misnamed lizards. I think you can still get anoles, but people are much more realistic about them now and keep them safely in terrariums - hopefully not housed with mortal enemies, so THIS won't happen.

Oh gee! Oh joy!

Fraish from the cow!

"Fraishness itself! That's Cahnation fraish milk at its best  in nourishment. Straight from the dairy, Cahnation fraish milk is fraish today and every day. Rushed to your door and to your store. Have a glass of fraishness itself. Drink Cahnation fraish milk with Vitamin D added, the milk children love the flavor of, in the red and white carton."

I wish I could get a fix on this accent, for it's one I've heard more times than I can count. It's always American, of course - a Canadian never heard of "fraish" anything, not even a Tim Horton's doughnut (and here I use the classical spelling and punctuation). The "Cahnation" part seems to say Boston or at least New England, but I always thought the weird bending of the short e into something more like "aiee" came from the Midwest. This might just be the most extreme example I've heard, but I remember Clark Gable talking like this in Gone with the Wind (see clip below, around 0:40 - he says "fayyshun" for "fashion") and even my beloved Harold Lloyd, whose Nebraskan roots sometimes showed themselves later in life (as accents are wont to do). If I could pin down where these actors came from - . And I recently heard a woman do it, too, if I could just remember who she was. It was really extreme! 

You no doubt noticed that "fraish" or "fraishness" appears six times in thirty seconds in that Carnation Milk ad. Then as now, that's about average for advertisement. 

Midnight lace

Smoke SAFELY in your car!

Old ads for products that now, somehow, don't seem like such a good idea are a staple of this blog. This one just jumped out at me as wrong on so many levels, I can't even count them all. Those vape things, e-cigarettes (the gadgets that are supposed to help you stop smoking) keep exploding in people's pockets, reminding me of that classic rhyme which begins, "Liar, liar. . . ". But the potential for disaster here seems infinitely magnified. 

I can't begin to transcribe all the flyspeck type on this thing, but the bottom sums it up: 

Delivers A Lighted Cigarette - - Instantly. Every smoker wants this new magic invention. Look what happens at the touch of the magic button. A cigarette slips out automatically toward your lips - you hear a click - and there's a flame burning right at the end  of the cigarette. A touch - a puff - and that's enough! A life saver to car drivers. You puff, and with the lighted cigarette between your lips, you draw it from the case. Then there is another click. The magic case is closed, the flame is out, and the next cigarette automatically jumps into position for the next smoke. Think of getting such amazing results. 

I can just make out the part about A Life Saver To Car Drivers.

You don't have to take your eyes off the road any more, and both hands off the wheel, to light a cigarette. Avoid the danger of life and property loss by using a Magic Case. Travel 60 miles an hour if you wish and light a cigarette withiout removing your vision from the road for an instant, or both hands from the wheel. All it takes is a touch, a puff. . . and you're smoking. . . SAFELY! The Magic Case is INDISPENSIBLE to car drivers.

I'm still trying to figure out the sequence of events here, involving clicks, puffs, lighted cigarettes and steering wheels, not to mention the potential danger of driving an incredible 60 miles per hour (the origin of the dusty phrase, "going like sixty").  But if you dropped this sucker while it was incendiary, might it not burn a hole in your pants, if not your scrotum? If there were some papers rustling around at your feet, or - oh, say, an oily rag or two - . But this is mere conjecture. Going on and on about "smoking safely" feels like an oxymoron in itself. Open flames, that close to your face - and just what is it that fuels these flames? At what sort of Lilliputian service station would you refill this thing?  And the flint - or whatever - the sulphur - it doesn't bear thinking about.

Looking on Google images, I see hundreds of cigarette cases, and to me it's like looking at Star Trek phasers or remote controls for Doomsday. It just does not apply, it has nothing to do with me. So they all look exotic and deadly. Do some of them automatically ignite your cigarette before it even touches your lips? I have no idea. It's possible, I guess. The world of smoking repulses me more than I can say. But in this ad, it's a given, just something everybody does, and having your cigarette lighted for you is seen as the ultimate in convenience.

It would have changed so much. Now, Voyager would have been ruined, because Paul Henreid wouldn't have done that business with lighting the two cigarettes and giving one to Bette Davis. Ernie Kovacs might have survived, however, if they had made a Magic Case for cigars. He was barrelling along a tortuous, unfamiliar road at midnight, in torrential rain, in a defective and unfamiliar car, when he decided that now might be a nice time to enjoy a cigar. He could light cigars with one hand, cleverly igniting the match with his thumbnail, but in this case he took his hand off the wheel at exactly the wrong time and ended up in twisted, smoking wreckage. 

He never would have used one of these anyway because they are so goddamn stupid. And I can't find anything more about them anywhere, so probably they didn't even catch on.