Smoke SAFELY in your car!

Old ads for products that now, somehow, don't seem like such a good idea are a staple of this blog. This one just jumped out at me as wrong on so many levels, I can't even count them all. Those vape things, e-cigarettes (the gadgets that are supposed to help you stop smoking) keep exploding in people's pockets, reminding me of that classic rhyme which begins, "Liar, liar. . . ". But the potential for disaster here seems infinitely magnified. 

I can't begin to transcribe all the flyspeck type on this thing, but the bottom sums it up: 

Delivers A Lighted Cigarette - - Instantly. Every smoker wants this new magic invention. Look what happens at the touch of the magic button. A cigarette slips out automatically toward your lips - you hear a click - and there's a flame burning right at the end  of the cigarette. A touch - a puff - and that's enough! A life saver to car drivers. You puff, and with the lighted cigarette between your lips, you draw it from the case. Then there is another click. The magic case is closed, the flame is out, and the next cigarette automatically jumps into position for the next smoke. Think of getting such amazing results. 

I can just make out the part about A Life Saver To Car Drivers.

You don't have to take your eyes off the road any more, and both hands off the wheel, to light a cigarette. Avoid the danger of life and property loss by using a Magic Case. Travel 60 miles an hour if you wish and light a cigarette withiout removing your vision from the road for an instant, or both hands from the wheel. All it takes is a touch, a puff. . . and you're smoking. . . SAFELY! The Magic Case is INDISPENSIBLE to car drivers.

I'm still trying to figure out the sequence of events here, involving clicks, puffs, lighted cigarettes and steering wheels, not to mention the potential danger of driving an incredible 60 miles per hour (the origin of the dusty phrase, "going like sixty").  But if you dropped this sucker while it was incendiary, might it not burn a hole in your pants, if not your scrotum? If there were some papers rustling around at your feet, or - oh, say, an oily rag or two - . But this is mere conjecture. Going on and on about "smoking safely" feels like an oxymoron in itself. Open flames, that close to your face - and just what is it that fuels these flames? At what sort of Lilliputian service station would you refill this thing?  And the flint - or whatever - the sulphur - it doesn't bear thinking about.

Looking on Google images, I see hundreds of cigarette cases, and to me it's like looking at Star Trek phasers or remote controls for Doomsday. It just does not apply, it has nothing to do with me. So they all look exotic and deadly. Do some of them automatically ignite your cigarette before it even touches your lips? I have no idea. It's possible, I guess. The world of smoking repulses me more than I can say. But in this ad, it's a given, just something everybody does, and having your cigarette lighted for you is seen as the ultimate in convenience.

It would have changed so much. Now, Voyager would have been ruined, because Paul Henreid wouldn't have done that business with lighting the two cigarettes and giving one to Bette Davis. Ernie Kovacs might have survived, however, if they had made a Magic Case for cigars. He was barrelling along a tortuous, unfamiliar road at midnight, in torrential rain, in a defective and unfamiliar car, when he decided that now might be a nice time to enjoy a cigar. He could light cigars with one hand, cleverly igniting the match with his thumbnail, but in this case he took his hand off the wheel at exactly the wrong time and ended up in twisted, smoking wreckage. 

He never would have used one of these anyway because they are so goddamn stupid. And I can't find anything more about them anywhere, so probably they didn't even catch on. 

Grab yourself a pussy: NOT!

Windsor Humane Society apologizes for Trump-inspired campaign asking public to ‘grab a pussy’



Dalson Chen, Postmedia News | October 19, 2016 3:59 PM ET





The Windsor/Essex County Humane Society's controversial cat adoption advertisement that made reference to Donald Trump's controversial "pussy" comment. After multiple complaints, the advertisement was deleted - less than three hours after it was posted on Oct. 19, 2016.

If the Windsor/Essex County Humane Society wanted to court Donald Trump levels of controversy with its latest cat adoption ad, they surely got it on Wednesday morning.

The organization received multiple complaints — and hundreds of social media shares — because of an advertisement that made explicit reference to Trump’s infamous “grab ’em by the pussy” comment.

“You don’t have to be a star to grab a pussy… cat,” the ad joked, informing the public that all shelter cats over six months old can be adopted for $50 from Oct. 19 to 23.

Reaction was swift. “Tasteless” and “vulgar” were common responses. Some members of the public decried the ad as perpetuating “rape culture.” Others found it humorous — no different than a joke one would hear from a late night talk show host.

Blogger's Blather. This steaming nugget from the National Post (a. k. a.  "Postmedia", which to me sounds like an obituary for the death of rational journalism) talks about an uh-oh committed by the Windsor Humane Society. Myself, I think it was stupid of them to use Trump's pussy-grabbing remarks as a cheap way to get attention for their cause. It's still too sickening to be funny, as far as I am concerned, and probably always will be.

Besides which: it's damn disrespectful to the cats!

But I was interested to find that prior to this campaign, which has been much reviled and Tweeted to death on social media, PETA did something very similar in its ad campaign for adopting cats.

So what's the difference? some people are saying. Well. . . PETA blows things up, and the Humane Society doesn't. So people are more afraid of PETA. They set up hidden cameras in hog farms and stuff, then get the footage shown on W5. I know they probably do some good, but fanatics of any stripe (even a striped cat like this one) frighten me because they have lost their perspective. Without perspective, the human race is pretty much doomed.

I prefer the PETA ad because it's simple, clean-looking, and has one graphic only, of an adorable kitty. The Humane Society threw everything into the cement mixer, including an obnoxious picture of Trump inside a star (one of those American flag thingies - in fact, the American flag is all over this ugly, garish thing). The cats in it don't look like any cats I would want to adopt, or be in the same room with. They're anxious and paranoid and even angry.

This points up how the same idea can be handled in radically different ways. I don't particularly like what PETA did, but it's OK, I guess, and the other one just isn't. It's loud and jangly and anxiety-provoking - just plug-ugly, is what it is! It gave me a migraine, whereas the other one is just

Wait a minute.

Wait wait wait wait wait.

What's that - image - behind the lettering on GRAB A PUSSY?

Hard to see at first, isn't it? - but it's the American flag! So this thing is hardly neutral. It's almost subliminal in its effects. Sneaky. Is there a microscopic image hidden somewhere of Trump doing that tunnel-mouth thing, or perhaps grabbing someone's . . . cat?

This wasn't the direction this blog post was going to take. At all. Originally, I made the usual mistake of looking at the comments section. The National Post readership sound so right-wing they'd be right at home in the Trump cult. Most of them were delighted with all this pussy-stuff. They thought it was "a scream". Like most National Post fans, they're dull and stupid and don't have the wits to know it.

All I really care about is the cats. I showed this to Bentley, and he turned ass immediately and walked towards the litter box.

Sample Comments (with responses by a friend of mine named Ed):

Windsor West MPP Lisa Gretzky was not amused, stating she was “profoundly, deeply disappointed and disturbed” by the ad. What a bunch of snowflakes! The ad is funny, but to these idiots that feel unsafe and offended, go to your room. PC morons!

The world is a wonderful place too bad its just overflowing with people looking for something to be offended by. (Ed.: And with people who can't write.)

Farewell humour. It was nice having you around until the brigades of the "progressive" SJW's came streaming forth from their safe spaces in their quest to see who could become more enraged and offended.

Wikileaks, Guccifer, even the FBI has put out a tonne of information this week showing the deep level of corruption surrounding Clinton. This is what rises to the top of NP stories. (Ed.: Bravo! . . . What the hell did it mean?)

Trump troll alert!

What moron would complain about this brilliant, humorous and socially relevant ad campaign? (Ed.: I would.)

If this means a few more homeless cats get a home, I'm for it.

Shows how far the Lefties are out of touch with normal people! (Ed.: this raises the horrifying spectre that "Righties", i.e. Trump enthusiasts, are 'normal people').

It's a joke. It's funny. Have a laugh.

I never did like cats!!!!!

I agree. Delicate flowers for sure if this campaign bothers you. Canadians are smart enough to know that the ad is totally tongue in cheek, tough enough to handle it and intelligent enough to separate out cat adoption from sexual assault. I guess if you are offended by the ad then you should go out and adopt a cat or two so that no advertising is needed to help out homeless cats...

Great! What a scream!

They have a bunch of Pussy's in Washington now! (Ed.: Pussy's WHAT? What belongs to Pussy? Explain it to me!)

Even I would have double checked that thought......

The end of humor brought to you by 'progressives'

Made me laugh!

LOL

The quiz show that ate my brain

There's something fascinating about worsts, especially when they think they're pretty good, or at least passable. God knows how I fall into these things, but it had something to do (as most things do) with Harold Lloyd, and somehow landing on a site full of FREE old movies (and another sister site with hundreds of FREE old TV shows), and finding myself at the very bottom of the failed-TV-pilot barrel.

I quickly discovered that this had been on YouTube all along, though I was the first to leave a comment. I think everyone else was just too stunned. This bizarre thing is an attempt to cash in on the wild popularity of quiz shows in the 1950s: To Tell The Truth, I've Got a Secret, and I forget the rest. These involved people like Gary Moore and Durward Kirby making quips and holding up pieces of cardboard while a bell went DINGDINGDINGDINGDINGDING (I never could figure out if the DINGDINGDING was good or bad, but maybe that's because I was two), while Kitty Carlisle snuggled in white furs and rattled her jewellery. 

In other words, panel shows, the good ones at least, were popular, all in good fun, and even, sometimes, had a touch of class. Bennett Cerf might show up, or Noel Coward, or - oh no, not Noel Coward.

So someone - someone had an idea, an awful idea, for a quiz show that was such a mess that after three or four viewings I still can't figure out what it is supposed to be about. Really, it's about nothing, and about five minutes in, the panellists begin to realize this fact and laugh wildly and make lame remarks to cover the awkward silence. Never has a 26-minute show lasted so many years. 

As far as I can make out, the host of the show has brought in his next-door neighbor, probably for free, so that he can function as an Artist. The Artist is supposed to draw a picture in only ten lines. He draws a line, then gives it to the first panelist who copies it, who then hands it to the next panelist who copies it, who - yes, I know it sounds pointless because it is. It is just jeezly bad, from the outset. 

Eventually you end up with an incoherent mess of bad drawings with dumb captions. The panelists seem to have been chosen at random - a horse-teethed woman with an ear-shattering laugh, a guy who looks like he's straight out of an SCTV parody, a - but,  my God, who's this sitting on the end?

As with so many of these ancient TV treasures, there is, after all, someone on this dog of a show who would go on to be world-famous. And I'm not going to tell you who he is, so there. You have to watch. His presence seems to float, Buddha-like, above the seething swill of bad TV brewing below. He says some truly funny things that drop like shot pigeons because no one is paying attention to the budding comic genius in their midst. They're too busy screaming with fake laughter and making ugly and meaningless squiggles on sheets of paper.

It becomes truly dada-ist at the end of the show when the loser of a moderator starts yammering about how the folks at home are going to want to participate in this fiasco. Sitting there copying a line, then handing it to someone who copies a line, then. . . until no picture is produced. He displays special pads of paper the audience is supposed to buy for this purpose, which they are supposed to then "scotch-tape to the TV screen". You may scream now.

The sight of the (inexplicable - why is he there?) gum-chewing piano player, the awkward crowd standing around as if at a surreal cocktail party, and the producer - I guess that's who he is - nakedly pitching the show to sponsors in the ugliest manner possible - what can I say about this? I think it was Jackie Gleason, about whom I have mixed feelings, who hosted a game show that lasted exactly one episode. It too was about "art", but was called, I think, You're In the Picture (I'll try to find it, I'm sure YouTube has it somewhere). Celebrities had to stick their heads through holes in a fake painting, then ask panellists questions about what painting they were in - or something. Awful, awful. 

At least Jackie had the magnanimity to come on the air the next night and offer an apology that lasted one hour. He felt really badly about You're In the Picture and wanted everyone to know it. That kind of candour is rare now. Whatever you do, you cover your ass. You "lawyer up". If you fail, you go around saying "there are no failures" and "failures are the only way to learn". No one picked up this pilot, and I am sure very few potential sponsors even watched it all the way through to that tacky pitch at the end. I can see them puffing away on cigarettes and watching five minutes of it and saying. "OK, Mel, we're done on this one" or something, or "Next?" I can see the panellists slinking away without saying anything, or maybe making fanning motions to each other as if to dispel a particularly sulphurous fart. I wonder if I could get into the head of that unrecognized comic genius, what he really thought of the whole mess. I have a feeling he saw it as just another gig, a way to get some exposure so that maybe, one day, he could do some real television.

Which, I assure you, is what finally came to pass.

http://free-classic-tv-shows.com/

 

Dear Sir or Madam, will you read my book

    It took me years to write, will you take a look

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A bad idea whose time has come

By now you might have guessed that I like making "giffs", as they're called by us tekkies. Until I was sternly reprimanded by Sheldon of The Big Bang Theory, I always used to called them G. I. F.'s, sort of like T. H. E. Cat (my favorite show ever). At any rate, I have a tendency to make these late at night, losing track of time until I am too tired to even feel it any more. On my giffinator site, it says I can now "reverse and append", and this worked out nicely with my homage to my favorite automobile (next to the one in My Mother the Car). . .

THE EDSEL!

The Edsel, while plug-ugly, expensive and prone to breaking down, was pushed as the Next Great Thing in lugg-zhurry cars, in 1956 or whenever it was. It had that stretched-out powerboat look that stayed around until well into the '70s, vestigial fins, and something like a toilet seat stuck on the front (also described by critics as a horsecollar, a sewer drain and a metallic cunt). Never mind! The Ford company was sure this was going to be "it", the best thing to chug along the turnpike since the Model T.

Uh.

Didn't happen.

Yes. This is about as far as the Edsel got.

If you just wanted to drive it up and down your driveway and never go anywhere, it might work out OK, but if you got halfway down the street, the neighbors might start to talk.

- Oh Lor', what IS that plug-ugly thing?

- Is that a - no, is that a - a -

- A metallic - 

However, this clip demonstrates the Edsel would probably be pretty efficient at running over your neighbor if you didn't like him.

What I love most about the Edsel is that it's self-aware. It knows where it's going. It knows its own future, in fact. How many of us can say that of ourselves? Can we look into the mists of the unknown and realize what Fate has in store for us?

The Edsel knows. Uh-uh.