NEWS FLASH: Canadian Task Force on Preventive Health Care scores another good one in preventative medicine!
Listen, gals: you can forget about what your doctor has been telling you for the past 25 years.
You can forget about mammograms, unless you suddenly see an egg-sized lump poking out of your bra.
As a matter of fact, don't even look at the lump, because it's probably not there and will only cause you needless anxiety if it turns out to be nothing!
'Cause we all know women are anxious little chick-a-biddies who run around in circles if they think something will happen to their precious little boobies!
And we all know that 99 times out of 100, it's just nothing! They shouldn't worry about it! They shouldn't even go to the doctor, who won't do a breast exam on them anyway 'cause the Task Force has told them not to!
Well, all this new information has certainly clarified things for women, hasn't it? Personally, I feel a lot more secure in knowing the system isn't going to help me at all in the early detection of breast cancer. And it's such a relief to know I don't need to pay any attention to the state of my breasts, unless one of them turns blue or falls off or something.
SO. . . this wonderful task force has left women with so much freedom of choice, they now have THREE options they can follow in making their decision whether to pursue breast cancer screening, or just chuck it in the wastebasket where it belongs!
(Hint: only one of these three options is "right". We just put the other two in to make you feel like you have a little bit of control here, even if you don't. OK, sweetheart? Now get back to your bloody rolling pin.)
Option A: YES!
Option B: NO!
Option C: I DON'T KNOW!
Now, who says this report doesn't clarify things? Repeat after me, the new Task Force Cheer:
Yes! No! I Don't Know!
Yes! No! I Don't Know!
YES!
I'm still in favour of self-exams and mammograms, even if my doctor calls me a fussy little hypochondriac.
NO!
I'm not gonna touch those suckers any more! And now I won't have to put my tits in a waffle iron.
I DON'T KNOW!
I'm confused as hell. Should I leave them alone and just hope for the best?
It just gets worse, ladies. . .
YES!
NO!
I DON'T KNOW!
YES!
NO!
I DON'T KNOW!
And out of all this wonderful new information, we've come up with a brand new category which should fit everybody (not to mention make all our doctors happy!), because we all know, don't we ladies, that one bra size fits all:
Let's pretend it isn't there. . .
and maybe it will go away!
