Me vs. technology: who won this round?

For what it's worth, this is a letter I wrote in response to a nasty experience I just had at the optometrist's. It's very hard for me to be assertive and normally I would just quietly fume and make myself sick. But I want to post this in case anyone else in the world has ever felt this sort of unnecessary intimidation. BTW, this wasn't even my main eye test, which was done on a series of perhaps nine different machines, but a "follow-up" which was then going to be followed by another "follow-up". BTW, I was warned to take all identifying marks off this in case they "took legal action".

Dear Dr. Somebody,

I feel I would be remiss if I did not report a very negative and stressful experience I had at my last appointment with your office. I was treated rudely and disrespectfully, and the instructions I was given could not have been more vague and confusing. I was surprised that the receptionist conducts so much of the eye testing, but I was willing to let that go as I was under a lot of pressure and needed to get it over with. Another problem was that she has an accent which was making clear communication with her very difficult. This is not a criticism but a fact. Along with my partial hearing loss, it meant I had to ask her several times what she had just said.

When I sat at the third machine (I can’t name what it was because I am not cognizant of the technology), she told me I would see “flashing lights” and that I would have to “push the big button” when the lights came on. I was not at all clear what this meant, as she just handed me a sort of wand without showing me what to do with it. When I asked her for a clearer explanation, as by now I was quite confused, she said, quite irritably, “But I already explained all this to you.”

I sat through the first part of the test staring into the machine (I wasn't allowed to blink) and waiting for the “flashing lights”, which I assumed would be identical to all the other tests I had already had, with a very bright light like a flashbulb. This did not happen. I only saw tiny pinpoints of light appearing and disappearing at light speed all over the outside of my field of vision, but I did not respond because I was waiting for the “flashing lights”. So I sat there doing nothing and feeling confused and very foolish. After a while I had to assume she meant these tiny pinpricks of light and tried to keep up with them, which I could not.

When she came in to switch eyes, I once again asked her to clarify the instructions. Once more she said, sounding exasperated, “But I explained all this to you already.” I have severe arthritis in my hands at the base of the thumb and could barely keep up, as it was quite painful, and my hand was sticking to the “big button” due to the hand sanitizer. I felt as if I was holding a joy stick and trying to play a very fast-moving video game which I did not understand. My eye-hand coordination has always been extremely poor, the lights were tiny, very hard to see and moving at incredible speed, and I was sure I was failing the test. I was not comfortable asking her anything else as she had already been so abrupt with me.

Perhaps this has never happened to anyone else you have dealt with before (I was certainly given that impression), but I do find it hard to believe, as you must treat a great many elderly patients. My last eye test basically involved reading lines of type and looking into a couple of machines, but I have not experienced anything remotely like this intimidating high-tech “state-of-the-art” setup. But all these marvelous machines accomplish exactly nothing if you go home feeling worse than when you came in. Customer relations should always come first, and your job should be to serve the public with patience, courtesy and respect. This is absolutely crucial when most people are already so overstressed that only one bad experience might put them over the top.

I have my glasses now, am happy with my vision, was already told my eye health was good for my age, and don’t need any more rude and disrespectful treatment that leaves me feeling foolish and only adds to my already sky-high levels of stress. Please cancel all my further appointments, and do not contact me again.

Margaret Gunning

(Blogservations. The machines have taken over. I was tested on no fewer than NINE high-tech pieces of equipment just because I needed new glasses. At first I was in awe of it all and felt like I was on the Starship Enterprise, though I did not know why the receptionist ran the first three tests on me in a "little room" off to the side. Did she have any actual training to do this sort of thing? The rest of the appointment was a blur of e-charts, flourescent eyeball diagrams, blood vessel maps, and complicated explanations by the optometrist of all the diseases of the eye which I might have, but don't, and which finally concluded that there was nothing wrong with my eyes at all, and that in fact my eyes were ten years younger than my (admittedly run-down) biological self. 

But it was in the follow-up, which I now call the "foul-up", that I became enmeshed in a collision course between complex machinery and total incoherence. "Push the big button"? 

WHAT button, where? And why that sour frown on her face even as I struggled to figure out just what the fxxx she could mean?

I won't go back, but I confess here and now that I haven't sent the letter yet and probably won't. I usually "think better of it" the next day - and when I think of the letters I USED to actually send, to doctors, psychiatrists, etc. to protest such minor things as institutionalized abuse, and how those letters became part of my "file/diagnosis" - well, let's just say it never paid off in the end. It was all seen as pathology, as EVERYTHING a psychiatric patient says or does is pathology. They're mentally ill, remember?

Oh, and one more thing. I didn't think anything could be worse than the time the optician took one look at my prescription and exclaimed "WOAHHHHWW" - meaning: God, are you ever blind! But what happened today "trumped" even that wretched experience.)

UPDATE. I sent the letter and sighed with relief to be DONE with it all, hoping they would at least honor my request for NO followup. This morning I received not one, but TWO phone calls from this person, though I specifically asked them NEVER to contact me again. I hung up after the first call, then the phone immediately rang again and it was that person, the one whose dismissive rudeness basically ruined my day.

 All of a sudden, I seem to be the one who is in trouble. The receptionist said she would only call back if there was a "problem", but the "problem" is that the instructions I received were so fucked up that I could not complete the totally unnecessary test. My daughter has a severe eye problem, has had two surgeries, and I believe has been botched by an incompetent surgeon. Now she needs a cornea transplant due to HIS incompetence. This may leave her BLIND, unable to work ever again, and forced to go through the legal system.  I don't usually use this language, but I am beyond upset - I am terrified for her - so FUCK THEM ALL!

How to make a simple task incredibly difficult

How do you teach a wild bird to eat from your hand? by A. Byrd X-pert

Around my parts, we practice a form of conditioning; acclimating the birds to our presence and our hand in a gradual process.

Place a feeder near a window of the house and keep it filled,

Over the course of a couple weeks, place the feeder closer and closer to the house.

Place the feeder right next to the window (one that can be opened)

Place bird feed on the windowsill,

After several days, stick the sleeve of a large shirt under the window sash and close the window on it.

Put bird feed on the sleeve where it is flat on the windowsill. Keep seed there for several days.

After several days, put a work glove on top of the sleeve cuff and put bird feed in the palm of the glove.

After several more days, you can open the window a bit, stick your arm into the sleeve and your hand into the glove. If you don’t move around much, if you hold bird feed in your gloved palm and keep it where the glove has been for several days, the bravest birds (tufted titmice and chickadees around here) will land on the glove and take the food.

When you are getting good responses, try feeding without the glove.

After a time, you could put a chair under the window, put on the familiar shirt, and extend your hand out with feed in it. It may take some time, but the brave birds will often come to your hand and take the food. Once you get to this point, you can sit in the chair with just about any clothing and the braver birds will make the effort to take the best food from your hand.

In NO case should you attempt to otherwise touch or pet the bird(s). Let them decide how close they are willing to get. Let them decide how long to stay. Let them control the interaction. They will never be pets, but they may become long-time friends….as long as you keep feeding them regularly.

I have no kick against this particular bird expert, but the first time I decided to try wild bird feeding (3 days ago), I walked up to my feeder, stood 3 or 4 feet away from it, held out my hand with some seeds on it, and within one minute a chickadee flew down and took a seed of my hand.

The next day I wasn't quite so lucky, as birds kept flying towards my hand, then veering away.  But today two chickadees decided not just to fly down, but to light for a couple of seconds while picking out a favorite seed.

The whole glove thing, I don't know, it's like a puppet show or something! I think a glove attached to a flat, empty sleeve would freak them out more than a normal human hand.

Back in my day, a thousand years ago, we used to call this method "federalizing the simple". I don't know where that expression came from, but it means taking something completely natural and simple and splitting it into a million difficult parts. 

I don't know how far I'll get with feeding wild birds by hand. I'd like those jays to come down, and so far they're skittish. It seems unlikely, but still more plausible than feeding them with a goddamn seed-dispensing hand puppet.

Knit one - no, don't knit one

This is a case of federalizing the simple.

The following is a standard, free pattern for knitting slippers, the kind everyone makes five minutes after they learn to knit -  followed by a "variation" by something called the Authentic Knitting Board. This must be some obscure organization whose purpose is to spoil the pleasure of everything you do. Kind of like the Ministry of Love, which deals in hate; the Ministry of Peace, which deals in war; etc. etc. So this must be the Ministry of Knitting, which deals in unravelling your mental health.

Original Pattern

Using two strands of wool, cast on 30 stitches.

Knit in garter stitch for a bit less than the length of your foot (they tend to stretch, so don't worry if they seem a bit tight at first).

Then in the next row, knit one, knit two together to the end of the row. The final row is knitting two stitches together all across the row.

Then break off the yarn, thread it through the remaining stitches, and pull them up. Use the rest of the yarn to sew up the top, and the casting-on yarn to sew up the heel. Repeat for second slipper.

Ministry of Knitting version: Made to Fit Double Knit Slippers

By: Authentic Knitting Board

With a few simple measurements and calculations, you will be able to make slippers for anyone, from your child’s baby doll up to Great Grandpa! Not only that, but you will be able to use any weight yarn, the stitch of your choice, and different gauge knitting boards. You truly get to be the designer. Make them big and bulky or lightweight. Design them with a stand up, bootie style, or moccasin cuff. Or, make them with no cuff at all. Stripes, novelty yarns, and different stitch patterns are all ways to make slippers that are unique. Let your imagination soar. These make great gifts, and are quick and easy. This may be the last slipper pattern you will ever need, thanks to Authentic Knitting Board!

One of our loyal readers came up with this helpful guide to creating these slippers. View the Slipper Calculations Guide to gain some valuable assistance in knitting these cute slippers.

Skill Level-Beginner

Skills Required-Casting on, Binding off, Decreasing, Stitch pattern of choice

Materials:

Double sided knitting board with the number of needles required to cast on
Yarn of choice
Notions-Yarn needle, crochet hook

Samples were made with the 28” Authentic Knitting Board with Lion Brand Chunky USA—Purple Slipper, KK Blue Long Loom with 2 strands of worsted weight yarn—Red/Blue Slipper, and Décor
Accents 12” Fine Gauge AJAL with Lion Brand Magic Stripes—Striped Slipper.

Important--Read the “Help Section” before starting.

Calculations:

The first step in making these slippers is to measure the size of the foot. Four measurements are needed (measure to the nearest ¼”): A. From the top of the ankle bone down under the heel to the top of the ankle bone on the other side. B. From the heel to the middle of the arch. C. The width of the foot at the widest part. You may want to add ½”-1” to this measurement for more ease. The amount of ease your slipper will have will vary with the stitch you choose. A stretchy stitch won’t need as much ease, while a firmer stitch will require more. The amount of ease required also depends on how snug or loose you like your slipper to fit. Adding no ease will make the slipper snug and close fitting. Experience will tell. D. From the heel to the toe. You may want to add ½”-1” to this measurement if you want “grow room.” Record these here: A._____ B._____ C._____ D._____. Make sure to measure carefully so that the slipper will turn out the right size. There is also a place to record these numbers on page 2, for ease in doing the calculations.

Now you need to make a swatch with your chosen yarn, stitch, and knitting board. I recommend casting on at least 12 needles, more for smaller gauge boards, and knitting for about 3-4 inches. Keep track of how many rows you knit. You will need that number later. Remove the swatch by binding off with a crochet hook (see step #3 in the pattern). Now, measure the width of the knitted piece. Record this here:_____. Divide this number by the number of needles cast on. Record this number here: W._____. This tells you how much knitting you get per needle. Measure the length of the knitted piece. Record this here:_____. Divide this number by the number of rows knitted. Record this number here: L._____. This tells you how much knitting you get per row. Make sure to measure carefully so that the slipper will turn out the right size.

Divide (A) by (W). Record this here:_____. Add 8 to this number. If you added some ease to (C), are using thin yarn or a fine gauge board, or you just want a taller cuff, you may want to add 10-12 to the first calculation in the place of the 8, to give you more cuff. If you want a stand up cuff, you can add 6 or less in the place of the 8. If you want a “footie” style slipper (no cuff), don’t add anything to the first number. Round to the nearest whole number. Record this here: E._____.

Divide (B) by (L). Round to the nearest whole number. Record this here: F._____.

Divide (C) by (W). Double this number. Record this number here:_____. Now, subtract this number from the total number of needles cast on (E). Round to an even number, if necessary. Record this number here:_____. Divide by 2. Record this here: G._____.

Divide (D) by (L). Record this number here:_____. Subtract (F) from this number. Record this number here:_____. Subtract 3 from this number. Record this here: H._____.

A._____ B._____ C._____ D._____ (From page 1)

Decimal equivalents for common fractions (to help with calculations): 1/8=0.125 1/4 =0.25 3/8=0.375 1/2 =0.5 5/8=0.625 3/4=0.75 7/8=0.875

Sample Slipper: For those, like me, who like to “see” what they are doing, here’s an example of using the calculations to make a slipper on a fine gauge board with worsted weight yarn. First I’ll list the measurements and then show the calculations step by step.

1. Foot Measurement: A.—7.5”, B.—3”, C.—3”, D.—6.75”

2. Swatch Measurements: W—4” / 16 needles = 0.25” L—2.5” / 13 rows = 0.2”

3. 7.5(A) / 0.25(W) = 30 8 = 38 E.—38 (Cast on stitches)

4. 3(B) / 0.2(L) = 15 F.—15 (Knit this many rows)

5. 3(C) / 0.25(W) = 12 x 2 = 24, 38(E) – 24 = 14 / 2 = 7 G.—7 (Bind off this many stitches from each end.)

6. 6.75(D) / 0.2(L) = 33.75, 33.75 – 15(F) = 18.75 – 3 = 15.75 (I’ll round this up to 16) H.—16

(Knit 16 rows)

Pattern:
Cast on (E)____ stitches with your favorite method. Leave a long tail that will be used to sew up the back of the slipper later. Instructions for the Stockinette cast-on are at the end of the pattern.
Knit (F)____ rows in stitch of choice.
Bind off (G)____ stitches on EACH end of the board. To bind off on the end opposite the working yarn, simply slip a crochet hook into the first stitch on the front and back board, and pull the first loop through the second loop. Now, pick up the next front stitch and pull it through the loop on the hook, then the next back stitch. Continue until the required number of stitches are bound off. At this point, you’ll still have one loop on your crochet hook. Place this loop on the end needle on the back board. There will now be 2 loops on the end back needle. (See top picture.) Do the same to the other side with the working yarn, but pick up the back stitch first and then the front stitch (where the working yarn is attached). Also, it is very important to lay the working yarn across the stitches as you bind off. (See middle picture.) It will be buried inside and then be right where you want it when you are finished binding off.

Knit (H)____rows. On the first row, knit 2 stitches over 1 on the two back needles that have 3 loops on them from binding off. After the first row is knitted, all the needles should have 1 loop on them. Continue knitting the remaining rows as usual.

Decrease half of the stitches. Do this by lifting stitch 1 onto needle 2 then stitch 3 onto needle 4. Repeat for the whole board, both front and back. You will end up with every other needle being empty. If you have an odd number of stitches cast on, the last 2 needles will not have an empty needle between them. Wrap the row, skipping the empty needles (see bottom picture). If an odd number of stitches are cast on, you will wrap the last 2 needles consecutively. Knit the bottom 2 stitches over the top stitch. You should now have 1 stitch on every other needle. Shuffle all the stitches together so that there are no empty needles.

Knit 1 row.

Repeat step #5, except you don’t have to shuffle all the stitches together after decreasing.
Remove slipper by cutting the working yarn, leaving a long tail. Thread the yarn tail onto a yarn needle and slip the stitches, starting with the far left back needle (the one opposite the working yarn), back and forth across the board (1A, 1B, 2A, 2B, 3A, 3B, etc.) onto the yarn needle. Remove from the board.

Finish up by binding off the cast-on stitches (if the stockinette cast-on was used). Bind off is the same as done in step #3 of the pattern starting with the stitch on the end opposite the yarn tail. After binding off the last stitch, wrap the yarn tail around the hook and pull it through the loop. The piece will look like a capital T. Fold it in half from side to side. Sew up the back seam using the long tail left from casting on. When about 1”-1 ½” (more for larger sizes, less for smaller sizes) from the bottom, bring the bottom of the slipper down to meet the seam you are sewing (this will look like a capital T—see picture below right) and finish sewing closed. This gives the back heel a nice shape. Thread the yarn tail at the toe onto a yarn needle. Run the needle back through the toe stitches again and pull tight, then sew up the top of the slipper. You can sew just the top of the slipper and leave the cuff open to fold over moccasin style, or sew all the way up the cuff and then fold over for more of a “bootie” look, or sew all the way up the cuff and leave it standing up. Weave in all the loose ends.

Turn right side out.

Congratulations!! You’re done. Now make another slipper.

Read more at http://www.favecrafts.com/Loom-Patterns/Made-to-Fit-Double-Knit-Slippers#xKr2WDGTo4Gp4UAc.99

WAIT! THERE'S MORE! I just discovered a "help section" which is meant to make this project MUCH simpler.

Help Section:

When referring to the front board, this is the board nearest you when it is lying flat. The back board is the board furthest from you when lying flat. When making your calculations, you will run into partial numbers. You can either round up or round down. A lot depends on how stretchy your stitch or yarn is, if you want to leave “grow room”, and how you like your slippers to fit. I usually round up so the slippers won’t end up too small. When calculating (W) and (L) round the number to the nearest hundredth (2 places to the right of the decimal). For example if (W)=0.34373, record 0.34. But if the number in the thousandth place is 5 or above then you would round up. So, 0.34573 would become 0.35. If you have measured correctly, your slippers should turn out the right size. If you are unsure, or just want to check your measurements, measure the knitted piece at the end of step #2 and step #5. It should be the same as (B)(after step #2) and almost (D)(after step #5). If it’s shorter, add a row or two. If it’s a little longer, you could just leave it, or you could pull back a row or two. Remember when measuring after step #5 that the piece will be a bit shorter than (D) because you still have 3 rows to knit. When in doubt, take the time to measure. You’ll be glad you did. After binding off from each end, you may have to adjust how you wrap your needles to keep your stitch pattern. For example, when using ribbing you may (not always) have to switch from (1A to 3B) to (2A to 4B) to keep in pattern. By observing the pattern in the knitting, you will be able to tell if you need to adjust your wrapping. If using stockinette stitch, this will not be a problem. When wrapping the last 3 rows, I usually switch to stockinette stitch, as it’s easier to wrap with the empty needles. For a nicer finish when sewing up the front and back seam of the fold down cuff, sew the cuff seam on the right side (outside) of the slipper. The stitches will be hidden when the cuff is folded. This applies only to the part of the seam that makes up the cuff. The rest of the top and back seam is sewn on the wrong side (inside). Any size yarn can be used, but chunky/bulky yarn will give you more thickness and last longer. Ribbing is a very nice stitch to make slippers in, as it is thick and comfortable. If you are using a larger gauge knitting board, it may be helpful to wrap the board 3 times, when casting on, and then lift the bottom loop over the top 2. Then wrap as normal, always lifting 1 over 2. This will give more thickness. Using two strands of worsted weight yarn, held together, will make a nice thick slipper and give you many color combinations. Baby booties can be made by using baby or sport weight yarn and a small or fine gauge knitting board set at ¼” spacing. For closer fitting, lightweight “footie” style slippers, sock yarn and a fine gauge knitting board work well. Crochet a chain and weave it through the cuff of the slipper and tie into a bow. Be creative!! Keep a record of your swatches. That way when you want to make a pair of slippers out of the same yarn, you’ll already have that part done.

Definitions and Stitches:

Working Yarn—The yarn attached to the skein.
Stockinette cast on and stitch—Place a slip knot on the back left needle of the board. (“Back” meaning the board furthest from you when lying flat.) Call this 1A. Bring yarn down from 1A to 2B.
(This is the front of the board.) Wrap around 2B and go back up to 3A. Continue wrapping every other needle for the desired amount of stitches. Then take the yarn straight across to the needle directly across from the needle that was wrapped last, and wrap back to the beginning, covering all the needles that are empty. Lay a long piece of yarn (this is called the anchor yarn—see picture), about twice as long as the stitches, across the stitches and then wrap again. Every needle will now have 2 loops on it. Hook the loops over by lifting the bottom loop over the top loop and off the needle. Push the ends of the anchor yarn through the boards and tie loosely under the boards. You are now cast on. Continue wrapping in this pattern for the stockinette stitch. You only lay the anchor yarn on the cast on row.

If you love making slippers, check out our 14 Cozy Crochet and Knit Slipper Patterns!

Read more at http://www.favecrafts.com/Loom-Patterns/Made-to-Fit-Double-Knit-Slippers#JBJYO8JjYyB2t2BS.99

(No, don't.)

BUT WAIT, THERE'S EVEN MORE -

Yes! The comments section echoed much of what I felt about this Byzantine pattern. (Look it up.) Only one lady complained about all the whining.  The rest were definitely indignant. Knitters are strangely protective of their craft or science, and don't want it adulterated by newfangled gizmos, thank you very much. Most of them gave it one star. My favorite comment was from the disgruntled lady who had been knitting for 71 years and could not make head-nor-tails of this thing. I think the problem is that it was filed under general knitting rather than loom knitting. They call this a "knitting board", which most people have never heard of, and which is definitely confusing: I truly thought at first that it was an organization, like the Board of Education. (A darker connotation might be waterboarding.) Given the complications, I think I'm going to give knitting boards a miss.





I can't believe that this is exactly the pattern I want to knit but, after reading all through to try an understand what it was all about, I discover it required a loom! Why on earth is it under "Knitting"?

I too was looking for a double knit slipper pattern using regular needles. I don't own a loom either

What is a knitting board??? I agree with the lady that knitted for 71 years!!

I have been looking for slipper patterns for a friend. These patterns look great. I made the mistake of copying out a couple not realizing a knitting board is required. What on earth is a knitting board first & why can't you give us some good patterns without requiring one of these boards. Very frustrating. Jan

And just what is a knitting board? Knitting is with two needles, please have this pattern for knitting and keep "novelty" crafts under a different section. Thanks

First of all, "loom knit" should have been included in the title so those who were looking for loom knitting patterns would know to look here and for those who use needles would know NOT to look at this pattern. Two, it is hard to find loom knitting patterns whereas it is not hard to find knitting patterns for needle knitting. SO, for those who don't even like the idea of knitting looms, you should go look for needle knitting patterns. There are PLENTY out there, I've seen them.

I cannot believe the whining people who are complaining about a FREE pattern. Obviously a lot of work went into this pattern whether it is for a loom or straight needles. Show a little gratitude ladies. BTW, guess how I found this pattern? I clicked on "Loom Patterns" in the sidebar. Don't believe it? Here's the address to this page where the pattern is. http://www.favecrafts.com/Loom-Patterns/Made-to-Fit-Double-Knit-Slippers/ct/1

Hello, I don't use a knitting board and really don't want to go out and purchase this high priced item. When knitting slippers, why didn't you add the directions for standard knitting instructions? It would really made this so much easier for me and everyone else to read these patterns.

Never mind knitting boards! I have been kitting the usual way for 71 years - can't you put this pattern into a straight pattern, NO "KNITTINGBOARDS"????

I have never used a knitting board. Is there a way to convert this pattern to hand knitting? Thank you!

wonderfully complete in every way! thanks

Visit Margaret's Amazon Author Page!

Should I slit my. . . sleeve?

Have you ever owned a shirt or dress that fit great but had too-large sleeves? Do you ever think of just making small changes to shirts or dresses simply to have a new look? A dress or shirt that fits perfectly, but has an issue with the sleeves, is easily fixed by changing the look of the sleeves. You don't have to have a lot of sewing experience to create new sleeves, and in some cases, you don't need to sew at all!

Blogger's note. I don't know how I end up in these things, these weird things. All I wanted was a bit of advice on clothing alteration - which I hate doing - but when I got an incredible bargain on a beautiful long-sleeved blouse and discovered the sleeves were 3" too long, and when I further discovered it would cost more to get the bloody thing altered than it cost to begin with, I was determined to find some fast-and-easy, no-sweat methods of shortening sleeves.

I knew such methods didn't exist, but I thought I'd try it anyway, like you'd look up a home remedy (such as relief for crackling ears). These always end up being entirely useless, but in this case the alteration methods were so bizarre and incomprehensible that I just had to pass them along to you, Gentle Reader, mon cherie, light of my life. (Come on over here.) I assure you this is strictly cut n' paste and I didn't change a word of it. It was too good to be true, just the way it was. So. . . take up your scissors, and prepare/beware! 

A quick no-sew method for changing sleeves is to use a giant, gold safety pin. You'll find the pins, in different sizes and colors, at any craft store. The pins are made so that the head screws off and allows you to slide beads onto it. So, you won't slide the beads onto the pointed end of the pin, but onto the opposite side. When the bead pattern of your choice is in place you can then screw the head of the pin back on.

(Blogger's note. "Giant gold safety pin"? What the fxxx? I have never seen one of these in my entire life. And what's with this screwing off the top of the giant safety pin and putting beads on it, but "not on the pointed end"? Sounds about as easy as screwing them on your elbow.)

Now open the pin, slide it over your sleeve with the beads on the top part of the sleeve, then gather the sleeve. Close the pin and you've created a new look for the sleeves as well as the shirt. The beads are showing on the outside of the sleeve and the whole sleeve is gathered to make it much shorter. This is a great way to correct shirts and dresses that have sleeves which are much too long. The great thing is, you can change the beads at any time, and you can use the same pins on several different outfits.

(OK! - if you want giant gold safety pins with beads on them stuck to your sleeves.)

Create a cute, unique look for sleeves by first laying the shirt flat on a table. Find the center of the sleeve, opposite the sleeve seam in the underarm area. Crease the fold of the sleeve. Cut a slit from just above the hem to almost at the shoulder area. Now hem the slit. Start near the top or bottom of the slit and stitch around it. Try to turn the sleeve, when you get to the top and to the bottom, so that you'll create a point rather than a rounded look at the points of the slits.

(Uhhh. . . what the hell is going on with this? I'm going over and over it. "Find the centre of the sleeve", OK. Crease the fold of the. . . cut a slit? - waitwaitwait, cut into the fabric just like that? "From just above the hem to almost at the shoulder area" is so vague and confusing it frightens me. I think it means you just take some big old scissors and grab the sleeve and hack the hell out of it. I never knew you could "hem a slit" without turning the whole thing into a bloody mess.  The rest of the instructions are completely unintelligible. "Turn the sleeve" (turn it where, how?), "points of the slits"? This is against the laws of physics, sorry. And once you've got that big ol' slit running down your sleeve, then what?

But it ain't over yet. . .

Do something similar by first cutting the hem off sleeves that are too long. Cut the slit and hem it. Sew a piece of fabric around the hem area of the sleeve. This piece should be long and hemmed on one long side. Sew the new piece around the hem area of the sleeve. Make sure the ends of the new piece extend beyond the slits on each end. That way, you can tie the new piece of fabric into a knot. The new look, of a slit with a tied sleeve, is cute for t-shirts and similar sleeves. It can also give a dressier look to simple outfits.

(This woman is obsessed with slits! Doesn't she know this is a family blog? Tying a slit into a knot is even more bizarre. I don't think I've ever seen anyone with their sleeves tied in knots, nor do I wish to. As for that "dressier look". . . I think the doggie below wins the prize for that.)

Completely change the look of some sleeves by using elastic to gather them upward instead of around the arm. Start right below the shoulder seam and begin stitching elastic down the sleeve, opposite of the underarm seam. Crease or iron the fold so that you'll have a guide for the elastic. Use eighth-inch or quarter-inch elastic to gather the sleeves. Use a straight stitch, stretch the elastic slightly, and stitch all the way down to the hem area. Stop above the hem, or take the hem out, put in the elastic, then stitch the hem back in again.

(This one sounds downright hazardous. I think all that gathered elastic could snap back in your face like a slingshot and possibly knock out an eye. I would imagine that this method would indeed "completely change the look" of your sleeves, not to mention rearrange your face.)

Changing the sleeves in an outfit can completely change the look of the shirt or dress. It's easy to change them in many different ways to create all new looks for your garments. Whether you sew or not you can still change the look of many outfits. If you have a dress or shirt with sleeves that are too long, or you simply want a new look for an old outfit, use one of the above techniques to change the sleeves. It's easy, cost little, but will give you a whole new look!

(I must say, I do love her optimism and unassailable confidence. I'd like to introduce her to Julian, the man who taught me how to cure an ear infection by rooting around in my ear with a Q-tip. What he lacks in competence and knowledge, he more than makes up for in sheer lunacy. These two sound like they were made for each other.)