EXCLUSIVE: Christine Brown from Sister Wives explains her singing!

My 600 lb. slide

I can't bring myself to write about this video, although I suppose I should, to put it in context. It looks mean, on the surface of it, to post a video of a massively-obese man falling off a golf cart. But this isn't just any man. (In fact, we're still trying to figure out if it's a man at all.) This is Steven Assanti, self-proclaimed superstar of My 600-lb. Life, and the biggest loser as far as compliance with the weight loss program is concerned. The man is a hurricane of dysfunction on every level, and is as crude and obnoxious a human being as I have ever witnessed, on TV or anywhere else. 

I am ashamed to say that I watched this episode AGAIN the other night, knowing exactly how vile Assanti would be. And I waited for the golf cart scene, waited for it because of his Dad's reaction as he stood there watching. He said something like, "He's fine, he does this all the time." And, in fact, he WAS fine, being extremely well-padded. The fall wasn't so much a fall as a well-timed slide. 

This planned accident ploy was a tried-and-true way for him to score narcotics from the hospital, a worse addiction even than food. The sad thing is that ratings go through the roof whenever they show the Assanti episodes (this was a four-part thing!). I know it's a sideshow, and I should be above all that, and only watch National Geographic Channel like my husband, but damn it, this is fine stuff. First-rate entertainment. It makes you feel so much better about your own life.

I have set Steven's famous slide to a musical score which I hope will enhance the experience for you. And made this little animation from screenshots of one of his rants. He is still very much a presence on YouTube, even after having several of his channels (including the infamous FatBoyGetDown) deleted. He now goes by the name of "K Smith".

FatBoyGetDown!

Sister wives: badder catfish to fry

It's been a while since I've written about the polygamous soap opera Sister Wives, which is undoubtedly the most poisonous reality program ever to air on TLC (often called The Loser Channel, though once long ago it was devoted to "learning"). And I should never write about Sister Wives again, because not only has the youngest/most recent wife Robyn popped out a couple more pups, the first/oldest wife Meri was recently CATFISHED by a sociopathic middle-aged woman (who lives in her mother's basement, no kidding) named Jackie Overton. This Jackie posed as a handsome, wealthy man called Sam Cooper for months and months, while poor Meri, jilted by the family and feeling oh-so-barren after her one-and-only kid flew the coop, ate up all his flattery with a spoon like an entire container of Cool Whip non-dairy topping.

Still with me? I'm not, but I'll go on. Sister Wives has become a sort of addictive agony for me now, and so far this season they've run TWO episodes that were two hours long. That's a mind-numbing four hours of dysfunctional polygamy. The whole thing has become so staged that you can see these folks looking around for their cue cards, and several times per episode the director speaks to them (captioned, yet) from off-camera. Breaking the fourth wall, or breaking the barrier of indifference in the family?

Kody, the clueless patriarch with the very unconvincing surfer-dude hairdo, always sits there talking, usually about himself, as if he doesn't even know WHO or WHAT or WHERE his wives are. Unless he's in the bedroom impregnating one of them (that would be Robyn), that's probably true. Three of the four wives, too old to have any more kids, have been pretty much shelved. Meri was even required to divorce Kody (as if they were ever really married!) so Kody could then marry Robyn (who used to be married to someone else, explaining how she had three kids - but now had to marry Kody, so her kids could be - oh, who gives a fuck).

So Meri, left alone in a giant house without her one grown-up child (a daughter who seems to hate her - we'll get to see the catfight next episode!)has been shunted aside as useless while Robyn just keeps poppin' 'em out. They obviously need some more kids, and soon the tally will be somewhere around 20. Squicks me out that they all look alike, but they're all half-Kody, aren't they? Squick. Anyway, Meri started itchin' for action of some sort. SOMEhow she ended up "chatting" with someone on the internet, and ended up with This Guy who turns out to be a woman. The woman is an especially poisonous sort who is now out to ruin Meri by posting all her intimate voicemails on YouTube, not to mention embarrassing photos showing her suggestively eating a banana.

But that's not what I'm writing about today! 

One of the many sons - well, who knows who the mother is, but we can assume Kody is the Dad - is named Garrison, and guess what. He wants to join the army! Here is where the show's credibility is stretched so far it's close to the snapping point. Why not call him Beetle Bailey or Sad Sack? But anyway, Garrison wants to join a garrison somewhere, and there is the inevitable feverish discussion amongst family members, when the decision was probably made months ago. One of the other brothers - "a brother from another mother", Kody calls him (and the rest of them, when he forgets their names) is training to be an Officer, whereas it looks as if Garrison won't rise any higher than digging latrines.

Wait for it: here comes my point!

"I want to join the army," Garrison (Beetle Bailey) says, his muffled words spelled out in captions. "I think it will test my mettle."

I am sure, nearly certain, that most of the viewers said, "My God, LOOK at that spelling mistake."

Now, Garrison didn't make the "mistake". I'm amazed he knew the word "mettle" at all. And using it did not mean he knew how to spell it.

How many people DO know how to spell "mettle"? The producers of the show must have looked it up. It's one of those words where if you spell it correctly, someone will look at you with irritated contempt and say, "It's M-E-T-A-L," then wait for you to thank them for setting you straight.

Imagine: thinking "mettle" is a word!

This led me to remember a few others, similar misspellings or word-switcheroos (some of them bordering on the malaprop-ish). I wish I could think of more, but I am sure they will come to me because they are jammed in my face daily.

Someone on Facebook, a teenage girl probably, posts, "I looked out the window, and LOW AND BEHOLD, there was my kitten eating the neighbor's pet grasshopper."

Well - ?? Low and behold has to be right, because low is spelled . . .  low. That's just how you do it. You can't take off the w, for God's sake - it makes no sense!

Low, how the mighty have fallen.

OK, here's another: "I was in the THROWS of the flu at the time." (This is a misuse within a misuse, because flu is often spelled flue - and that, too is a real word, but - ). That IS how you spell throws, if you are talking about multiple tosses. I even looked it up, and if one has the flue, one often throes up. (Sorry, that was a mistake. Or two.)

One of the most irritating for me - and it's becoming almost universal - is loose instead of lose. Thus, "even after following the 600-lb.-a-week Chris Powell torture plan, I just couldn't loose weight." I have this image of someone loosing great chunks of weight on civilization, and once that weight is loosed, it wreaks havoc (never mind) on all and sundry (no, wait a minute! That's Sunday.)

Something else happened, and it peaked my interest. People have completely forgotten how to spell piqued. It just doesn't look right! It couldn't have a Q in it, could it? To confuse matters still more, peaked can mean something quite apart from pointy: it can mean pale or sickly, though it's pronounced PEAK-id. I don't think anyone under 40 has heard of this word, or believes that it even exists. Like quinsy and lumbago, it has just fallen into disuse and (thus) obsolescence.

Now getting into pronunciations - a hair product ad for Tousle Me Softly kept insisting the word was towssel (almost like tassel) rather than tousle. I always thought the s had a z sound, not a sibilant sssss. The ad gave me the awful squeamish feeling that most young women aren't familiar with the word tousle, have never seen it or used it, or can't spell it, and surely can't pronounce it to save their lives.

Since it was pointed out to me, I've started to notice "vocal fry", a tendency for mostly-young women to drop the pitch of their voices on the last syllable of a word or phrase with a sort of darkly grating, almost grinding sound that's hard to describe (but you'd know it to hear it). If you're a Kardashian, forget about it, your voice is just one big CROAK. I also hear final words opened out with an elongated short-a sound: "That's not really trewwwaaAAHH" (or, with the requisite "uptalk", "trewwwaaAAHH?") 

Then there's what I call the Say Yass to the Drass syndrome: "It's badder to go there for lunch when it's not so crowded?"  "She saadd she had her nails done in raadd but it wasn't trewwwwwaaAAHH?" And so on. I would ask what language they were speaking - I can't even think of appropriate phrases for it because it isn't really English. I guess it's a form of Valley Speak, but updated in the most bizarre way possible.

One thing it does is convey privilege, even entitlement. This isn't just uptalk (and even older people are upspeaking more and more now, no longer outgrowing it at age 14), it's la-di-da-speak, the drawly cigarette-holding speech of a post-millennial Tallulah Bankhead. Poor folk don't vocal fry because they have other fish to fry. Adding an extraneous "aah" to the end of words like the little fillip on the top of a Dairy Queen soft-serve cone (and PLEASE do not tell me it's spelled Phillip!) strikes them as silly, or maybe they just don't have time for it.

Want a great example? or a horrible one? I've just discovered a real estate-flipping show called Flip or Flop on the home-whatever channel, and the woman on it is a living Barbie, I swear. She has every vocal mannerism ever invented. I don't know where it all comes from. I marvel at this, and at her appearance, her unblinking Barbie eyes and pound of makeup. Nearly every sentence is either upticked, fried, "oh-ahhh"-ed, "badder"-ed, or all of the above.

I don't know how she keeps track of it all.

Oh. Oh. Oh! When I actually listened to this snippet of the Flip or Flop couple on a talk show (you'll see what I mean after only a couple of sentences: the woman is a blonde Kardashian), I heard another affectation: at the end, she said, "thank yeeaaaoooowwwwwwwhhhhhh" instead of "thank you". There's a sort of diphthong-y thing going on, a whole series of vowel sounds strung together. A simple sequence of ee and oo becomes a sort of cascading waterslide of vowel sounds that seems to encompass all of them. Instead of spreading out slushily in a crescendoed short-a sound, it sort of goes "YAOWWWH!" and is hauled back in again. 

Doesn't anyone realize how bizarre they sound? Why are they doing this? Was it a decision on their part? Who started it?

More to the point: when will it stop?

Visit Margaret's Amazon Author Page!

A knot in my stomach: the story of Slimband

Tonight while watching some inane thing on TV, I saw a chirpy, cheerful, upbeat ad for a wonderful new weight loss program that promised you could lose "up to half your excess weight within a year!" There was no mention of exactly HOW you would do this, though the product, called Slimband (reminding me of "slime" for some reason) was pictured on their logo as a whiplike thing shaped like a sperm. So I had to deduce (because they didn't spell it out at all) that this was in fact a surgical procedure, not a diet plan.

I had to do some digging, and before long I found out about the dark side of Slimband. Basically they implant a band that squeezes your stomach so you can't eat normally. It's about as healthy-sounding as tying your throat shut so you can't swallow. 

People have suffered all sorts of complications like perforation and internal bleeding when the thing "slips" (see cautionery article, below)as well as a complete inability to digest food, and in many cases there is little or no weight loss. The cost of the procedure is $16,000.00. I don't think this company does much if any real research on results, or if it does they don't publish it. But people seem to be so desperate, and obesity is getting so bad. Why are people so addicted to food? Does no one ask this? No, just tie a knot in your stomach and hope for the best.

Ray Baker, a doctor in the addictions field, once said to me, "An addiction is an addiction is an addiction." Food, sex, drugs, alcohol, gambling: all have the same root. If you don't start off with trauma, you end up with it through the repercussions of your seemingly-unbreakable habit. It's not uncommon for the addict to leave one pattern behind, then turn to another: switch from alcohol to gambling, or drugs, or sex, or even food. Ray called this "changing seats on the Titanic".

I know all about this stuff, having experienced it through my own body and soul, and I have touched on it before on this blog. Turning off the tap in your stomach won't do it, nor will wiring your jaw shut or taking aversive therapy to tell yourself you really don't want to eat. If the underlying crap isn't addressed, you won't have any lasting success. But we're a drive-through culture of instant gratification, which is a huge part of the problem to begin with. Conventional weight loss through dieting and exercise is too slow, too messy, and too likely to unmask the hellish conditions which caused the overeating in the first place.

When I was growing up, there was a woman down the street who was completely stigmatized and had no friends because she was a "fat lady" who weighed something like 250 pounds. Now that seems almost svelte. What happened? What we used to condemn as gluttony (one of the Seven Deadly Sins) has become a relatively cheap, semi-acceptable drug, and no one is asking why so many people have to resort to it to make life bearable.

I was shocked to discover that Slimband (and I keep seeing it as Slimb - and . . . and WHAT?) is considered a remedial process,"an option for failed gastric bypass procedure in obese patients". Nowhere in that glossy, upbeat ad is botched/remedial surgery mentioned. A great many of these "patients" are refugees from the bariatric surgery industry, a fad fostered by such wildly popular TV series as TLC's My 600-lb Life and presented as a nearly-always-successful quick fix. The couple of cases per season where it fails are presented as the fault of the patient and their rotten, uncooperative attitude. One wonders if they have been coached to fail so the show won't seem too unrealistically positive. Nowhere is reality more distorted and manipulated than in "reality TV".

But the remedial surgery aspect of Slimband which is even spelled out in some of their ads (though perhaps only in medical publications) frightens me. If it was such a failed mess the first time, how is Slimband going to help?

One of the most bizarre things I found in my poking around on the internet was a blog recounting a woman's disastrous experience with Slimband, in which she told us she had lost barely any weight, had no support and was constantly uncomfortable. Then she pulled the biggest switcheroo I've ever seen:

The folks at Slimband are trying to help me, as a patient but are doing a very poor job of it so far which is why I’m so darn upset. I got my band de-filled, but now I’m not getting enough follow up or any of the other fancy post op support options they were promising me when we still thought I would be helping the company. I feel totally abandoned again and have no idea what to do or who to talk with to get this band shit figured out! So frustrating! My dietician is trying her best, but she seems limited in her abilities to assist me in my journey. And I’m gaining weight. This make me PISSED TO THE EXTREME.

Despite the vitriol and frustration I have just unloaded, I think that if they just brought me on board, let me figure out where they’re going wrong, how to fix it, and then DO IT they could be a great company and be able to help so many people, past, present and future. A company with a good reputation is going to do very, very well in today’s social media world and bring in the big bucks. I’m trying to balance my desire to fix something broken and make it succeed with my desire to help all those past patients like me that don’t realize that THEY DESERVE BETTER.

I've seen it before: first, bust down the product and get everyone onside with complaints of their own, then subtly (or not-so-subtly) turn the ship around and get it sailing in the opposite direction, specifically for personal profit. The post was actually a bizarre sort of job application, offering Slimband her resume as a possible new pitch-person who would counter all the negative press (some of which she wrote herself). If Slimband was the problem, she was the solution. If cash registers still rang, I'd be hearing: ka-ching.

http://www.plexuspoint.com/plexus-slim-reviews/

I would have been shocked, except it's a ploy I've seen before with Plexus Worldwide, a supplement company that promises weight-loss miracles and is good for man or beast. The blogger ranted and railed against it, saying it had utterly failed her, along with every other weight loss scheme she had ever tried. Nothing worked, they were all useless, and most especially Plexus which also cost her an arm and a leg. It was weird, though. Throughout the rant there were these statements that almost seemed to be defending Plexus. In fact, they couldn't be anything else.

Update: June 22 !

You can now find out if Plexus Slim is specifically right for you.

Just choose the right answers for the 6 questions below & find out if Plexus is right for YOU...

The questionnaire, when filled out, takes you to the Plexus site. Then, even more strangely, she began to hint subtly that there WAS a way out of the weight loss dilemma, and that she had the answer. All you had to do was click on a link taking you to a site which also went on for pages and pages. 

https://www.fitfinally.com/truth/

I'll relieve the suspense right now, folks. It's an ad for her book. A book which purports to provide that one true miracle that will help you beat this problem once and for all. Never mind that every week, if not every day, we see another example of the One True Religion, that awesome Secret that will make us all look slim, youthful and desirable, not the quivering piles of fat we are today.

(For more ranting on this subject, I covered it thoroughly here. But I guess not thoroughly enough.) 

http://margaretgunnng.blogspot.ca/2015/11/in-pain-any-kind-of-pain-shut-fxxx-up.html

Conclusions. If a new miracle is coming out every day, if not every hour, then obviously somebody is not getting the message. Slimfast is a huge, impersonal corporation that uses a surgical chain-saw to fix people's profound emotional pain. They're selling hope, a fragile commodity that slips away in the face of hard reality. If you stuff your face to the point that you can barely walk, you are an addict. Addiction is a minefield, and there is no easy way out. No way out AT ALL, in fact, but there is a way through. Each bomb has to be defused as you come to it. If you don't, sooner or later it will all blow up in your face. 


Chief surgeon at Slimband weight-loss clinics resigns after probe reveals ‘significant history of complaints’

National Post/Files   Dr. Patrick Yau helping to perform a surgery in 2001. Yau has resigned as chief surgeon at Slimband weight-loss clinics after Ontario's College of Physicians and Surgeons ruled his care of a patient was below standards.

The chief surgeon at Canada’s most prominent weight-loss surgery clinic has resigned from the company after Ontario’s medical regulator received what it called a “very troubling” succession of patient complaints about him.

The College of Physicians and Surgeons concluded in one recent ruling that Dr. Patrick Yau of Toronto-based Slimband waited unduly long to operate on a patient suffering acute pain from the “gastric band” installed around her stomach. His response to the excruciating complications failed to meet the profession’s standard of care, the agency’s complaints committee said.

The eroded band was eventually removed by another surgeon.

The decision, not released publicly but obtained by the National Post, also cited a “significant history of complaints” alleging the surgeon had acted unprofessionally, including three others being considered at the same time as the delayed-treatment case. It said the college had also conducted a broader “registrar’s investigation” of his practice.

Related
Leading weight-loss doctor accused of trying to ‘stifle competition’ by filing advertising complaints against rivals
Thick to thin: Gastric-band weight-loss clinic denies allegations of putting patients at risk

“In light of the college’s decision, Dr. Patrick Yau has stepped down from his role at our clinic,” Lisa Borg, Slimband’s chief operating officer, said in an emailed response to queries about the physician.

Ms. Borg declined to elaborate. Neither Dr. Yau nor a lawyer who has acted on his behalf could be reached for comment.

With extensive advertising on TV and the Internet, Slimband is the most visible of a string of private clinics across the country that offer weight-loss operations, and has described itself as the busiest. Dr. Yau says he has performed over 6,000 gastric-band surgeries, more than any other physician in the country, usually with “excellent results.”

A 2012 National Post report, however, quoted malpractice lawsuits and former Slimband employees who raised questions about whether patients signed on following a persistent sales effort were adequately screened, sufficiently warned about possible complications or provided sufficient post-operative care.

The company said at the time that patients are fully informed of the risks and receive post-op service that is the best in the industry. It also cited customer surveys that showed the vast majority of patients were satisfied with the results, their lives changed “in ways they never dreamed possible.”

‘Am I going to have to live the rest of my life this way, or am I going to die because of this?’

Like most of the other private clinics, Slimband implants a liquid-filled band around the stomach, creating a small pocket and a narrow opening to the rest of the organ. The pocket fills with food quickly, making the patient feel full much sooner than normal.

In the case recently decided by the college, the patient had the operation in 2008 and did “very well” initially. But on July 10, 2012, she complained to Slimband about sharp pain and difficulty eating that seemed related to the implant.

Dr. Yau saw her a week later and did a “de-fill” of the liquid in the band to make it looser, but the pain continued, according to an independent expert’s report to the regulator. In the ensuing two weeks, she repeatedly went to hospital, with scans eventually showing the band had started to erode, a problem that can lead to dangerous internal infection.

On Aug. 4, Dr. Yau and a colleague tried to remove the band, but were unable to do so, and said they would wait a month for it to migrate to another position where it could be more easily taken out, the college ruling said. As the pain and discomfort continued, though, the patient found another weight-loss surgeon, Dr. Chris Cobourn of Mississauga, Ont., who removed the band on Aug. 10.

Dr. Yau told the regulator he treated the patient conservatively because she was not in acute danger and he wanted to avoid the potential of unnecessary complications. When her problems persisted, he acted expediently, the physician argued.

Aaron Lynett/National Post/Files   A Slimband clinic in Toronto. The company has described itself as the busiest weight-loss clinics in Canada.

The independent expert, though, said the patient’s problems demanded “a precise and quick” intervention, while Dr. Yau exhibited “no feeling of urgency.” His “surprising” approach failed to meet the profession’s standard of practice, said the expert, a conclusion the complaints committee adopted.

The patient said in an interview she felt abandoned by the health-care system as she struggled with “incredible” discomfort for a month in 2012.

“Because I was in so much pain, and not able to get treatment, it felt extremely scary, it felt hopeless,” said the Toronto-area woman, who asked not to be named. “You begin to think, ‘Am I going to have to live the rest of my life this way, or am I going to die because of this?’ … It was horrible.”

The college’s complaints committee issued a written caution against Dr. Yau, and said he had been ordered to undergo a remediation program.

The committee said it could not rule on the patient’s allegation that he had behaved in an uncaring and unprofessional manner, but added that the surgeon “has a significant history of complaints” before the college regarding his professional communication.

“In short, the committee is very troubled by Dr. Yau’s communication and what appears to be a sustained pattern of issues related to unprofessional behavior.”

The decision also said his practice had been subjected to a “registrar’s investigation,” a broader review that can sometimes look at a doctor’s treatment of several patients. That probe led to the order that he undergo remediation and continuing education.

National Post
tblackwell@nationalpost.com

And as the kicker, a tiny excerpt from the many, many post-surgery blogs I found.

Welcome to the wonderful world of lapband life.

I had weight loss surgery, and having had the lapband 2 1/2 years I am very familiar with being “stuck”. It can happen at any time, for any reason. I have eaten dense protein like chicken or steak and it went down just fine. then later that day I have attempted to eat Greek yogurt and it doesn’t want to go down. With the Lap-Band, restriction can vary from day to day, moment to moment. That is why I call my band a psycho band, lol.

What I usually do when I am stuck is to take some Papaya Extract. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t.

Coke is another option. Although carbonated beverages are generally frowned upon with most weight loss surgeries, this is an exception. The acid in it can break down the protein. It’s usually going to go down…….or come back up. Either way, it’s a plus. Staying stuck is not a good thing!

Fluids in general can sometimes dilute it and push it on down. Since I am now used to following the “band rules” and not drinking with meals or for 30 minutes after, I wouldn’t do this initially because I thought I needed to wait 30 minutes after it finally went down to drink. Don’t hesitate though, if you’ve been stuck for more than a few minutes, take a drink. It may help.

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http://www.amazon.com/-/e/B001K7NGDA

Sister Wives Season Finale: or, how to kill a useless day

Forgive me, please - oh God, forgive me, for I have a nasty filthy habit and I enjoy the hell out of it. I'm powerless over it and it is just such hell, I'm about to join SWA (Sister Wives Anonymous).

I'm powerless over the Fundamentalist Mormon Brown family, who reside not in polygamist-friendly Utah but in Las Vegas. (Long story.) I'm shamefaced over the whole dang crew of them: Merry, Sheri, Dairy and Marvelle-Ann (or something). 

Sister Husband Kody Brown, who has no visible means of support except a fat salary from TLC, is the four-way hub of this mad domestic mess, dashing not from bedroom to bedroom but from house to house - meaning, the four brand-new custom-built homes the Browns purchased in their very own cul-de-sac after running away from Utah for some imaginary crime.

No one has any money in this family, but, sensing the impending meltdown of the entire system, they decide to plan an elaborate Commitment Ceremony (or four-way remarriage bash) costing, probably, at least $10,000.00.

Some 200 people are coming to this affair, if I may use that expression, so the Browns must know an awful lot of other polygs, some obviously from out of state. But this whole Walmart-catered affair, this stacking-green-plastic-chairs-and-rolls-of-white-paper-on-top-of-folding-tables-borrowed-from-the-local-high-school-gym deal, seemed salted with extras, people who would sit there, eat,and look interested while the Browns nervously read out an interminable Mission Statement which ran on much longer than the Ten Commandments. (I mean the movie version.)

But let's back up a little. All we really cared about, after all, was the four wives' dresses. And it's true, I really did have an interest in watching the process of these gowns being individually designed and created for them.

Oops.

For some reason, they picked about the worst person they could find, a young woman freshly graduated from"design school" who had obviously never made a dress in her life. Then they gave her three weeks to design and make four original, formal-quality gowns in three radically different sizes and styles. There were interminable shots of this young woman pinning, and pinning, and pinning the lopsided, saggy, inside-out, fraying, mismatched pieces of fabric on the wives. None of it looked good, and the general atmosphere was one of sweating alarm as the completely-inexperienced designer tugged and swore. Bringing her mother in at the last minute to keep the ship from sinking altogether did not help.

The whole dress story sort of collapsed, and I was actually shocked that it turned out so badly. Two of the four dresses had to be scrapped entirely ("This isn't working. Do you have something in your closet?"). The other two were unfortunate, like bad costumes from a high school musical, but were launched anyway so the enterprise wouldn't be a total flop.

Robyn, the skinniest and most Kody-worthy of the four (see photo above: now why didn't she wear THAT little red number to the ceremony, seeing as how it made Kody's eyes pop out?) picked a nice little funeral dress out of her closet, and Meri, who doesn't have the sense of a goat, went out on a mad spree and found something for $59.00 that LOOKED like it cost $ 59.00, so tight on her that her substantial abdomen and even her belly button pushed through the sheer fabric.

Well, at least the apple green color was good.

Christine, sometimes known as The One I Like, showed up in a sort of burnt-orange medieval maternity bathrobe, with huge pleated billows of fabric blowing back behind her. The tacky gold ribbons here and there did not contribute to the look. My only question is: where do you buy orange crimplene nowadays? Must be vintage, from Craigslist or some-such. Janelle, who currently seems to have the most fans on the show (it varies from season to season, if not week to week) would have looked nice if the amateur seamstress had  known how to sew. There were four or five bustlines at the front of this thing, meandering switchbacks of poorly-sewn, puckered seams that finally bunched up somewhere above her bust, making her look older and actually disguising her recent, impressive weight loss.

(l. to r.: Christine's unfortunate burnt-orange Camelot castoff; Meri's one-size-doesn't-fit-all, sale-rack special; Janelle's almost-but-not-quite royal blue dress, complete with three breasts and innumerable puckered seams;  Robyn's little black Mormon interment ceremony number. Perhaps because they see their husband only once every four nights, these gals know how to make do.)

The Browns really try - they try and try - but they just never get it right. I don't know what it is. Idiocy? Or is it the pressure of living in a fishbowl, of having cameras zoom in on life's every little crisis? No one even thinks of this. To most people, "having my own reality TV show" is the pinnacle of success and happiness. Everything will be wonderful from now on.

But we are beginning to see what happens when the seeds of narcissism, which I believe are present in every one of us, are watered weekly by reality TV's relentless drool. Les Fleurs de Mal begin to sprout, and eventually they take over.

But soft! What's this I see on the horizon? For reasons that no one is willing to explain, TLC is launchng an ALL NEW polygamy show called My Five Wives, trumping Kody's harem by a whole wife.

There have been whispers on Sister Wives lately about Kody "branching out", something he naturally feels entitled to, with or without his wives' approval. The rumor was seeded and watered when a "fortune teller" came on the show (like a Fundamendalist Mormon would go for that!) and predicted Kody would take a new wife, while everyone acted stunned. Now we see why. The pressure is on: competitive wife-collecting! We can't have FIVE wives on one show, and only FOUR wives on the other, can we? 

(These gals are so committed that they actually rehearse between events: note that one of them is away, presumably getting it on with Kody "Big Polyg" Brown.)

Is TLC phasing out the Browns at last? Am I right in suspecting this new show will be edgier and sexier, with younger, svelter wives and a husband who is not a complete boob?

More will be revealed.

Kody practices his second-favorite sport.

Dear sir or madam, will you read my book

It took me years to write, will you take a look

  Visit Margaret's Amazon Author Page!

http://www.amazon.com/-/e/B001K7NGDA

Sister Wives: hot and bothered in the kitchen!

(I shouldn't watch this program, shouldn't shouldn't, but I do. I found that this recipe somehow best represents the spirit of the show, especially in terms of spiritual nourishment.)

Sister Wives Recipes

Janelle's Peanut Butter Fritos

Janelle's Peanut Butter Fritos

INGREDIENTS

• 1 cup corn syrup, like Karo Syrup
• 1 cup white sugar
• 1 cup peanut butter
• 1 large bag Fritos scoops

PREPARATION:

1. Spread fritos out on a big jelly roll pan turning them so most of the scoop sides
are up.

2. In a sauce pan combine corn syrup and sugar and stir gently.

3. Cook only until little bubbles begin to form. Do not cook too long or it will get
 too hard when it cools.

4. Remove from heat and mix in peanut butter until it melts. Pour over chips on pan.

Good to eat immediately. Sometimes we melt chocolate chips and drizzle 
over the top.

(Emphasis mine.)

Oh OK then. . . ONE more recipe. . .

Meri's Soda Cracker Surprise Toffee

Meri's Soda Cracker Surprise

INGREDIENTS

• saltine crackers
• 1 cup butter
• 1 cup sugar
• 1 package chocolate chips
• 1 cup finely chopped walnuts

PREPARATION:

1. Line jelly roll pan with foil and spray with pan spray. Place saltine crackers close together covering entire pan.

2. Bring butter and sugar to boil for 2-1/2 minutes, pour over crackers.

3. Bake at 400 for 5 minutes. Pour chocolate chips on top, spreading as they melt. Sprinkle with chopped nuts.

So what does patriarch Kody Brown say about all this? "As polygamist cooking goes, this cookbook surpasses all the rest. I mean, our house hasn't seen a vegetable since 1983, but our starch favorites can't be beat! Right, Brigham?"

http://margaretgunnng.blogspot.ca/2013/04/the-glass-character-synopsis.html

http://members.shaw.ca/margaret_gunning/betterthanlife.htm