I was NOT going to make any Amber Heard videos! AND THEN. . . . . . . .

 

Who the hell is Mortdecai (and why?)

You know, folks, it's rare that I see a movie with the kind of reviews this one got (see excerpts from Rotten Tomatoes, below). Apparently Johnny Depp has been on a real losing streak. I was puzzled over why he strapped a dead crow to his head to play Tonto in the recent weak update of The Lone Ranger. This one is even more puzzling. I'm not sure I want to know what it is about, but it looks like it's about 2 hours too long for these particular critics. Once Siskel and Ebert claimed they wanted to kill themselves rather than sit through one particularly abominable movie (I think it was called  She's Out of Control). I am sure at least some of these critics wanted to take long (two-hour?) washroom breaks or just sprint for the exit, making up the review out of whole cloth, as I am sure they do anyway.

When I blathered on about making The Glass Character into a movie, an idea which was ridiculed and shot down so quickly I don't even know how it got back on its gasping, quivering feet, everybody said, "Oh, it should be Johnny Depp." Johnny Depp is now well over 50 years old, and while those Cherokee cheekbones have served him well, in the book Harold is barely 30. Johnny looks nothing like Harold, not even close. Zachary Quinto was my first pick, and he still might pull it off, and Jake Gyllenhaal was in second place, though his look is pretty far off (except for. . . those lips). But Johnny. He has yet another stroke against him now. It's sad, because he has turned in some interesting if over-quirky work over the years. I liked him on 21 Jump Street, myself, when he played a rogue cop. But Harold? No matter how cute his Keatonesque antics in Benny and Joon, he just won't make it - in particular, not after this.

Full Review… | January 23, 2015

Sandy Schaefer

ScreenRant

With art-heist caper Mortdecai, Johnny Depp tries his darnedest to start a kooky Austin Powers-like franchise with a side of bumbling Insp. Clouseau. But dash it all if it isn't a crashing bore, old bean.

Full Review… | January 23, 2015

Linda Barnard

Toronto Star

 Top Critic

[Mortdecai] fails on just about every level, so committed to its ridiculous premise that it doesn't bother to step back and recognize what an unholy mess it is.

Full Review… | January 23, 2015

Alex Pappademas

Grantland

 Top Critic

Stale, strained and sadly dismal considering all parties involved, Mortdecai wants to be a globe-trotting roguish romp crossing the globe in a bespoke suit, but it feels more like a brandy-soaked nap in grandad's threadbare housecoat.

Full Review… | January 23, 2015

James Rocchi

About.com

Depp's strenuously unfunny performance turns a frivolous caper comedy into a grim death march to the closing credits.

Full Review… | January 23, 2015

Rafer Guzman

Newsday

 Top Critic

Mortdecai is content to stroll casually and unassuredly through its paces, taking long, long intermissions for Depp to whimper and giggle.

Full Review… | January 23, 2015

Witney Seibold

CraveOnline

A sh-tshow from start to finish, a theoretically whimsical comedy wherein the actors physically begin to shrink as it goes along, as if they realized what they had gotten into just a beat too late to possibly escape.

Full Review… | January 23, 2015

Will Leitch

Deadspin

Go if you're a raging Anglophile with an afternoon to burn or you just love Depp, even at his hammiest. Otherwise, don't point this thing at you.

Full Review… | January 23, 2015

Leah Greenblatt

Entertainment Weekly

 Top Critic

It's heavy on doses of double entendres, slapstick and zaniness, but completely bereft of any laughs or true entertainment value. (Full Content Review -- Sex, Profanity, Violence, etc. -- for Parents also available)

Full Review… | January 23, 2015

Jim Judy

Screen It!
When it gels, it's genial. When it doesn't, it drags. And drags.

Christopher Campbell

Film School Rejects

If you have an allergy to pure goofballery, this is not the movie for you. Spend your Depp bucks elsewhere.

Full Review… | January 23, 2015

Brian Orndorf

Blu-ray.com

What looked funny in small, trailer-sized doses turns into an interminable death march when applied to an almost two-hour run time.

Full Review… | January 23, 2015

Mike Reyes

CinemaBlend.com

There was no laughter, just grim resolve on the part of those of us professionally obligated to stick it out through the bitter end.

Full Review… | January 23, 2015

Nell Minow

Beliefnet

[An] absolutely bewildering waste of time, talent, energy and money.

POST-BLOG POST-MORT(DECAI)

Could not resist adding this morbid little tidbit. Much has been made of Depp's box office decline in recent years. It strikes me that he isn't being careful enough what he takes on - just has to work all the time, for reasons of his own. Maybe he's broke. It amazes me how these stars go through money.

Johnny Depp: FOLLOW THE RULES OR ELSE!

You know, I'm always a little intimidated when the first thing I read on an unfamiliar web site is a detailed and very long list of rules.

I was particularly astonished when this headspinningly complex list (below) appeared on a fan site about that rascally social rebel, that mascara-eyed Caribbean ne'er-do-well, that stereotype-shattering gender-bending Ed Wood of the modern cinema, Johnny Depp.

Johnny Depp is a fox- let's get that out of the way first - and ever since my then-teenage daughter told me breathlessly about a painfully-gorgeous young hunk on a show called 21 Jump Street, he has taken on interesting parts, the sort of roles that a Gary Oldman might choose (or a Danny DeVito or a whoever-is-a-subversive-character-but-not-especially-good-looking-or-over-the-height-of-four-feet-one-inch-tall).  And he has made a go of it for a very long time, decades in fact, an unusual thing for a slightly off-the-wall leading man.  And he has attracted female fans everywhere. Especially me. 

Do I have a favorite? I do.  Though the movie Benny and Joon is not especially good in story line, and not much acting ever takes place, I love Depp's nearly-mute amalgam of Chaplin, Keaton and even my beloved Harold Lloyd as he swings from a rope past the window of his girl friend who is incarcerated in a mental institution.  He's all in, as they say.

So I was kind of, well, ah, er, taken aback when I investigated the web site I recommended at the end of my post about automatons. When I finally looked at it in detail, I found this, this, this - edifice of rules, this - this boarding school, this itchy crinoline, this Little House on the Prairie bonnet of restriction! Compared to this, my Grade Four grammar teacher was a raving slut. 

Yes, I appreciate the fact that the comments have to be written in complete sentences. Most of my sentences are complete, and if they aren't, it's 

I can see ruling out those lols and rotfl and grmlds and stuff like that. I hate them and fear that the language will become irreversibly eroded if they take over any more than they already have.  I can see ruling out abusive language and blatant Depp sexual fantasies, although. . . 

Although. People can't express feelings about him, share dreams or fantasies, or post fan art or Johnny Depp coloring pages or anything like that. No good steamy gossip or "hearsay" is allowed, nor can you quote those scumbag entertainment sites.  It's completely sexless, devoid of the giddy joy these Hollywood gods are meant to provoke in us mortals.  This fan site is under such tight control, it only has something like 33 followers, all of whom seem deeply intimidated when they approach the Headmistress with their timid questions.

I'm just sayin'.  All passion seems to have been squashed down by one of those squashing-down things.

Once you've carefully read through ALL the rules, and don't you dare just skim them like you'd do on a surgical permission form or a divorce settlement or whatever, you discover there is in fact very little that you CAN do on this site. I wonder, then, why even have a Johnny Depp fan site, if indeed that's what it is? And what would Johnny Depp think about it?

I don't think he'd read a web site, to tell the truth. I don't think he would read one about himself, in particular. He'd be out there jumping into his next role, which is what real actors do. He'd be out there shattering the dull tradition of good-looking actors mainly functioning as backdrops on wheels.

But that's just me.

General Forum Rules and Guidelines
(For detailed information, please see next post)

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	(Blogger's note. I only posted the bare bones of these rules! Herein is the expanded, complete version. I note that much of what they post on this forum consists of Johnny Depp jigsaw puzzles. Fan fiction is allowed, but it can't have Johnny Depp in it. Oh dear.)
	All posts must be written in standard English. Please avoid "chatspeak," random mixtures of capital and lower-case letters, and/or text-messaging abbreviations. The goal is to make every post clear and easy to read; we have many members who are not native English-speakers, and they need words they can find in a dictionary or that can be easily translated by automatic-translation programs. So use "I" and "you" and "because," not "i" and "u" and "cuz." Use proper punctuation, capitalization, and spelling. A message written entirely in lower-case letters violates Zone standards; these and other types of chatspeak posts will be deleted by the staff without notice. The Zone is a discussion forum, not a chat room. 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That's only fair, and members who don't treat the Zone and their fellow Zoners fairly won't be members here very long. It is particularly despicable to take another member's personal artwork or personal photos or videos (of herself and Johnny at a meet-and-greet, for example) and post them on another Depp site (or anywhere else) without first seeking that member's permission and then graciously thanking her in the post on the other website. Please Note: Zone members hold the copyright to their artwork, fanfic, and personal photos and personal videos, and those who post them elsewhere without the member's permission are committing copyright infringement. Even worse, they are betraying the friendship of a fellow Zoner who was kind enough to share with all of us. Anyone who would steal another Zoner's artwork, writing, photos, or video and post it elsewhere claiming "I just found this . . . I can't remember where" is both a liar and a thief, and will be immediately banned from the Zone. 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The Zone adheres to journalistic standards for our Johnny Depp news; rumors about possible Johnny Depp film projects that appear in the press are clearly labeled as rumors (only), and we don't publish hearsay or gossip. Threads that make claims about Johnny but have no verifiable source for their information will be deleted or locked. Don't post items for sale or trade on the Zone. We have no way of investigating or doing quality control, and we can't be responsible for trades or promotions that don't turn out as advertised. The Zone's forums are a place for discussion of Johnny's films and other career activities; we are not Ebay. In certain cases, items to give away free are allowed to be posted. Please contact a staff member for approval before posting free items. Don't publish links to articles or websites that violate any of the Zone's standards and practices. This would include sites, including members' personal websites or pages, that feature sexually explicit material, profane language, name-calling or hate speech, gossip about Johnny Depp, pictures of the Depp children, aggressive attempts to sell merchandise, spam, etc. Don't use a thread on the Zone to advertise another website or to urge Zone members to visit a different site or chat room. We consider this spam--an unfair harassment of the membership. EXTERNAL LINKS POLICY The Johnny Depp Zone web site may contain links to many other web sites. The Zone cannot guarantee the accuracy of information found at any linked site. Links to or from external web sites not owned or controlled by the Zone does not constitute an endorsement by the Zone of the sponsors of these sites or the products or information presented there. The Zone staff reserves the right to remove any links in forum posts or members' signatures that we deem inappropriate for the Zone. 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NOTE. I don't think it's fair to assume a fan site about Johnny Depp is going to have a Depp-like, devil-may-care disregard for social convention. But it just strikes me as strange, is all. It's so careful, careful, careful, and seems at odds with his rebellious and often very sexual persona. Oh, but we CAN allude to sex if it's done in an earthy, oh-so-English way ("Quite the ripper, is Johnny, eh, Honoria dear?" Assuming this site is English.) 

Anyway, I didn't write any of this, I'm just using it as an example of internet curiosa. Oh my God, I think that's a run-on sentence!

Johnny Depp: the ultimate swinger

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3ecWQO4RtcM


I can't embed this for reasons unknown, but watch it, DO watch it, it's magical! I first saw this movie in 1993, and though it has some highly improbable plot twists (i.e. a young woman who just had a major psychotic episode suddenly being well enough to live in her own apartment ), Johnny Depp's performance, innovative and charming, holds up well and reminds us why he is the working-est actor in Hollywood.

The movie (Benny and Joon) came on again last night, with a very young Depp looking like a Botticelli angel, and I was reminded of how cleverly his character, Sam, had incorporated elements of the Big Three silent screen comedians: Chaplin, Keaton and Lloyd. He saved the best for last, climbing up a brick building and swinging from a window washer's rope with all the grace and style of Harold's character in Safety Last.

The scene where his schizophrenic girl friend, recovering from hallucinations and delusions in the hospital, sees him swing past her window (apparently she's the only one who can see him) is priceless. This performance presages his Don Juan de Marco turn, a wacky Fairbanks stunt that lands him, painfully, in the bushes.

I couldn't find a good clip of the Safety Last scene, the last few minutes of the movie where Harold swings like a pendulum,  but I did come up with a few still pictures. About this picture: what would Harold say (WWHS?). You know, based on everything I've found out about him, I think he would really like and admire and be entertained by Johnny Depp. He appreciated actors who could play it straight as well as funny, and his quirkiness, bold risks and leading-man good looks are very Harold-esque. Harold loved Jack Lemmon, who also easily moved back and forth between comedy and tragedy. Johnny does it just as gracefully, and still makes us sigh.

http://margaretgunnng.blogspot.com/2012/01/synopsis-glass-character-novel-by.html

http://members.shaw.ca/margaret_gunning/betterthanlife.htm