KILLER GOLDFISH! Ghastly horrors straight from your nightmares

Beware the Prussian carp, the latest invasive species to terrorize Canada's waterways

The tubby, out-sized goldfish, which can weigh in at up to three kilograms, according to the government, is able to reproduce rapidly without males

Tyler Dawson

Aug 20, 2020

“We’re basically just catching and killing where we’re finding them.” GOVERNMENT OF ALBERTA

EDMONTON — The Alberta government is sending out warnings about Prussian carp, an invasive variety of goldfish, that have been found in ponds in the province.

“Catch it, kill it,” says a notice on the Alberta government website. “If you catch Prussian carp while angling, please kill it and either take it home to eat or properly dispose of it in the garbage.” 

The tubby, out-sized goldfish, which can weigh in at up to three kilograms, according to the government, is a highly invasive species that reproduces rapidly. It’s not known how it first entered Alberta’s waterways, although it has been there since at least 2015.

It is able to survive out of water “for relatively long periods of time” and is also able to outcompete native fish species. 

“Many invasive carp were imported as pond or aquarium species or sold in Asian food markets,” says a government fact sheet from 2015 that was updated in 2018. 

The fish has now spread to Saskatchewan, too, though the two western provinces remain the only jurisdictions in North America with the Prussian variety of carp. 

Notably, they can reproduce without males, so they can spawn and spread rapidly. “It’s a little freaky,” says Nicole Kimmel, an invasive species expert with the Alberta government.

“They’re very opportunistic fish,” she says.

“We believe humans are also picking them up and moving them around,” says Kimmel. 

They, like many other species, are hard to control. But the government is urging people to report them as they find them. 

“We’re basically just catching and killing where we’re finding them,” Kimmel says.

It’s just one of multiple invasive species that have made their homes in Canada. Some roam the land. Some grow on it. Others have taken roost in lakes, rivers and streams. Some look fairly anodyne.

Others are ghastly horrors straight from your nightmares. 

The Prairie provinces have wild boar — hard to catch, hard to kill and rather destructive. The Great Lakes have become home to a variety of gruesome-looking invaders, such as the blood-sucking sea lamprey, which lives in Lake Erie, but can thrive just as easily in a puddle of mud.

The Ontario government has pre-emptively sounded the alarm on some species that are known to be in waterways in the vicinity of the province: The Wels Catfish, for example, one of the largest freshwater species of fish, earning it the name The European Maneater, is already on the “prohibited” species list. 

In British Columbia, there are fines of up to $250,000 for releasing snakeheads — the so-called Frankenfish — that can grow up to a metre long and schlep over land to find their next home. One was caught and killed in 2012 Burnaby after officials drained the Central Park Lagoon.

All of which is to say, if you’re going out fishing, invest in a fish bonker. And a phone to report anything unusual.

PLEASE NOTE. This story is total crap (and note: that's an anagram of "carp"!). The "facts" in it are so lunatic that NO ONE could ever believe it. It's a wonder this thing wasn't published on April Fools Day. I've actually highlighted the parts of it that make the least sense. I mean, a killer goldfish? And one which doesn't even live in the water, but crawls around on land? And which is born pregnant, like the tribbles on Star Trek? A goldfish, yes, kids, a GOLDFISH which is described as a "ghastly horror straight from your nightmares"? This is such a howlingly far-fetched item that I am sure it's meant to be tongue-in-cheek - or tongue-in-carp. Or else, it's simply CRAP. (And why is that woman named Kimmel, anyway? Isn't there a comedian by that name?)