Wednesday, August 14, 2013

FACEBOOK: you're doing it wrong

This is an actual transcription of an actual Facebook post, just a normal everyday post with the names changed, which for some reason made me want to lean over and howl.

  • Angelina Bromide
    Outlook Express is down--again!!! Apologies if anyone is trying to e-mail me, this is ridiculous.
    Like · · · 9 hours ago ·
    • Dory Rowboat likes this.
    • Hermione Haymaker  Its been down for me most of the day.
    • Sydney Barrely Sycophant  Working now, Ange.
    • Buffy Perseid Meteorshower  I thought you were ignoring me... Lol. glad you are back!!!
    • Angelina Bromide Oh god, what a day!! I had loads of e-mails to return...and everyone thought I was blowing them off. Douglas, it's back now, you're right. Fingers crossed it STAYS that way.

      You see, THIS is why. Why Facebook. Why Facebook makes. Makes us all sick.

      I mean, emotionally sick. Some study has just come out saying that the average Facebook user feels worse after going on Facebook than they did before. Nobody can figure out why.

      Nobody can figure out that blatant narcissism, relentless self-promotion/impression management, and a chronic empathy void has turned many Facebook users into ruthless jackals who will eat their best friend's heart if it will get them more "likes" in a day.

      Nobody can figure out that if you're not quite up to snuff on the empathy void issue, you might be the eaten rather than the eater. This definitely means you'll feel worse after you go on Facebook than you did before.

      We should give seminars, in fact probably somebody already DOES give seminars, maybe that self-help shithead who made all those people stay in the sweat lodge until they died, of how to carefully manage your Facebook image in a few thousand easy lessons. First thing is to boost your sense of desirability, nay, indispensibility! This involves things like fussing to your friends that  if your email goes down for even a few seconds, those pesky Nobel Prize people won't wait around to tell you about your astrophysics nomination and will just pass it along to someone else.

      Or what about those guys you've been dangling for months, the ones that have been begging you to sign on for your own reality TV show, How Hip Is That (And You're Not)? Will they finally get tired of all the coy bullshit you've been handing them and give you just one more very-last-chance and YOUR EMAIL WON'T BE WORKING so you won't even GET it and my GOD??

      But then it's all resolved and you get it and then lol, ; ) and : O and +**%, and you get a thousand fawning gushing congratulatory Facebook posts in a subtle ploy to actually be ON your show which is the only reason they bother with you anyway, but nobody tells you because they all think you're such a shallow bitch and probably wouldn't even

      What I hate about Facebook is the dishonest way this is all expressed. It's slipped in oh-so-casually, a ploy to make everybody else feel a little less popular, their lives a little more shabby and frayed around the edges. Facebook gives you license for a subtle form of bullyism that can easily be denied because it all comes out in such an innocuous, throwaway manner. In fact, the more casual the better, so everyone knows you don't really care. The effect is that your nose is constantly being rubbed in their fabulousness and you feel bad without knowing why.  It's like having a can of Reddi-Whip forced down your throat while your torturer casually pushes down on the nozzle until it's completely empty.

      But no metaphor can be quite as bad as the real thing. These people seem to be involved in one endless, rollicking lol-party only open to those exclusive 5000 close, personal friends who have been invited, and if they're out of touch with each other even for a few seconds, their universe collapses and they turn into the human equivalent of a black hole.

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