150 "Niet" Sayings that will Change Your Life

"Pretty Niet, eh?": 150 Profound Quotes by Friedrich Nietzsche

Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche (October 15, 1844 – August 25, 1900) was a German philosopher, cultural critic, and scholar, who is considered one of the most influential of all modern thinkers.

Nietzsche has explored various topics related to the human condition such as individuality, truth, morality, religion, history, culture and nihilism. The central point of his philosophy is the idea of “life-affirmation”, which focuses on life in this world instead on the world beyond.

In his brilliant career, Nietzsche published several major works of philosophy. Among the best known are Thus Spoke Zarathustra, Twilight of the Idols and Beyond Good and Evil.

His writings, especially on religion and morality in contemporary civilization, influenced many major thinkers and writers of the 20th century.
1
What does not kill me, strengthens me.'Apophthegms and Darts', Twilight of the Idols (1888)
2
He who fights with monsters should be careful lest he thereby become a monster. And if you gaze long into an abyss, the abyss will also gaze into you.'Apophthegms and Darts', Twilight of the Idols (1888)
3
It is true we love life; not because we are used to life, but because we are used to loving.'First Part: Reading and Writing', Thus Spoke Zarathustra (1883)
4
And life, in spite of ourselves, is not devised by morality.'Author's Preface', Human, All Too Human (1878)
5
In the mountains of truth you never climb in vain. Either you already reach a higher point today, or you exercise your strength in order to be able to climb higher tomorrow.Miscellaneous Maxims and Opinions (1879)
6
Against tedium even the Gods struggle in vain. The Antichrist (1888)
7
The secret of realising the largest productivity and the greatest enjoyment of existence is to live in danger!'Book Fourth: Sanctus Januarius', The Gay Science (1882)
8
What is great in man is that he is a bridge and not a goal.'Zarathustra's Prologue', Thus Spoke Zarathustra (1883)
9
Without music, life would be a mistake.'Apophthegms and Darts', Twilight of the Idols (1889)
10
In revenge and in love woman is more barbarous than man.'Apophthegms and Interludes', Beyond Good and Evil (1886)
11
Convictions are more dangerous enemies of truth than lies.'Man alone by Himself', Human, All Too Human (1878)
12
Even God has his hell: it is his love for man.'Second Part: The Pitiful', Thus Spoke Zarathustra (1883)

13
He who despises himself, nevertheless esteems himself thereby, as a despiser.'Apophthegms and Interludes', Beyond Good and Evil (1886)
14
A little health on and off is the best remedy for the invalid.The Wanderer and His Shadow (1880)
15
Existence really is an imperfect tense that never becomes a present.On the Use and Abuse of History for Life (1874)
16
Close beside my knowledge lies my black ignorance.'Fourth and Last Part: The Leech', Thus Spoke Zarathustra (1883)
17
Only thoughts won by walking are valuable.'Apophthegms and Darts', Twilight of the Idols (1889)
18
Therefore he gives man hope, in reality it is the worst of all evils, because it prolongs the torments of man.'The History of the Moral Sentiments', Human, All Too Human (1878)
19
Our vanity is most difficult to wound just when our pride has been wounded.'Apophthegms and Interludes', Beyond Good and Evil (1886)
20
There is always some madness in love. But there is always, also, some method in madness.'First Part: Reading and Writing', Thus Spoke Zarathustra (1883)
21
Necessity is not an established fact, but an interpretation.'The Will to Power in Science', The Will to Power (1901)
22
A pair of powerful spectacles has sometimes sufficed to cure a person in love.'Wife and Child', Human, All Too Human (1878)
23
Fear is the mother of morals.'The Natural History of Morals', Beyond Good and Evil (1886)
24
A man pays dearly for being immortal: to this end he must die many times over during his life.'Why I Write such Excellent Books: Thus spake Zarathustra', Ecce Homo (1888)
25
There is more reason, sanity and intelligence in your body than in your best wisdom.'First Part: The Despisers of the Body', Thus Spoke Zarathustra (1883)
26
He who cannot put his thoughts on ice should not enter into the heat of dispute.'Man in Society', Human, All Too Human (1878)

27
Success has always been the greatest liar.'What is Noble?', Beyond Good and Evil (1886)
28
What is good? — All that increases the feeling of power, will to power, power itself, in man. The Antichrist (1888)
29
The man of knowledge must be able not only to love his enemies, but also to hate his friends.'First Part: The Bestowing Virtue', Thus Spoke Zarathustra (1883)
30
The best author will be the one who is ashamed to become a writer.'Concerning the Soul of Artists and Authors', Human, All Too Human (1878)
31
The man who is being punished is no longer he who has done the deed. He is always the scapegoat.The Dawn (1881)
32
There is a haughtiness of kindness which has the appearance of wickedness.'Apophthegms and Interludes', Beyond Good and Evil (1886)
33
In everything there is one thing impossible – rationality!'Third Part: The Bedwartfing Virtue', Thus Spoke Zarathustra (1883)
34
He who cannot give anything away cannot feel anything either.'The Will to Power in Art', The Will to Power (1901)
35
There are no eternal facts, as there are likewise no absolute truths.'First and Last Things', Human, All Too Human (1878)
36
No one can construct for you the bridge upon which precisely you must cross the stream of life, no one but you yourself alone.'Schopenhauer as educator', Untimely Meditations (1876)
37
What is done out of love always takes place beyond good and evil.'Apophthegms and Interludes', Beyond Good and Evil (1886)
38
Man is for woman a means: the purpose is always the child.'First Part: Old and Young Women', Thus Spoke Zarathustra (1883)
39
Facts are precisely what is lacking, all that exists consists of interpretations.'The Will to Power in Science', The Will to Power (1901)

40
Thoughts are the shadows of our sentiments — always, however, obscurer, emptier, and simpler.'Book Third', The Gay Science (1882)
41
To recognise untruth as a condition of life.'Prejudices of Philosophers', Beyond Good and Evil (1886)
42
We often contradict an opinion when it is really only the tone in which it is expressed that is unsympathetic to us.'Man in Society', Human, All Too Human (1878)
43
“Belief” means not-wishing-to-know what is true.The Antichrist (1888)
44
Man is the cruellest animal.'Third Part: The Convalescent', Thus Spoke Zarathustra (1883)
45
In praise there is more obtrusiveness than in blame.'Apophthegms and Interludes', Beyond Good and Evil (1886)
46
Whoever has not got a good father should procure one.'Wife and Child', Human, All Too Human (1878)
47
Distrust all in whom the impulse to punish is powerful!'Second Part: The Tarantulas', Thus Spoke Zarathustra (1883)
48
That which makes man revolt against suffering, is not suffering as such, but the senselessness of suffering.'Second Essay: Guilt, Bad Conscience, and the like', On the Genealogy of Morality (1887)
49
Wit is the epitaph of an emotion.Miscellaneous Maxims and Opinions (1879)
50
Our destiny rules over us, even when we are not yet aware of it; it is the future that makes laws for our today.'Author's Preface', Human, All Too Human (1878)
51
Two different things wants the true man: danger and diversion. Therefore wants he woman, as the most dangerous plaything.'First Part: Old and Young Women', Thus Spoke Zarathustra (1883)

52
Blessed are the forgetful: for they “get the better” even of their blunders.'Our Virtues', Beyond Good and Evil (1886)
53
A good author possesses not only his own intellect, but also that of his friends.'Concerning the Soul of Artists and Authors', Human, All Too Human (1878)
54
One should hold fast one’s heart; for when one lets it go, how quickly does one’s head run away!'Second Part: The Pitiful', Thus Spoke Zarathustra (1883)
55
Morality is the herd-instinct in the individual.'Book Third', The Gay Science (1882)
56
Insanity in individuals is something rare — but in groups, parties, nations, and epochs it is the rule.'Apophthegms and Interludes', Beyond Good and Evil (1886)
57
There is not sufficient love and goodness in the world to permit us to give some of it away to imaginary beings.'The Religious Life', Human, All Too Human (1878)
58
One pays back a teacher badly if one remain merely a scholar.'First Part: The Bestwing Virtue', Thus Spoke Zarathustra (1883)
59
My concept of freedom. — The worth of a thing lies sometimes not in what one attains with it, but in what one pays for it — what it costs us.'Roving Expeditions of an Inopportune Philosopher', Twilight of the Idols (1888)
60
There is an innocence of admiration: it is possessed by him to whom it has not yet occurred that he himself may he admired some day. 'Apophthegms and Interludes', Beyond Good and Evil (1886)
61
All mankind is divided, as it was at all times and is still, into slaves and freemen; for whoever has not two-thirds of his day for himself is a slave, be he otherwise whatever he likes, statesman, merchant, official, or scholar.'The Signs of Higher and Lower Culture', Human, All Too Human (1878)
62
In the true man there is a child hidden: it wants to play.'First Part: Old and Young Women', Thus Spoke Zarathustra (1883)
63
The most perfidious manner of injuring a cause is to vindicate it intentionally with fallacious arguments.'Book Third', The Gay Science (1882)
64
Danger which first teaches us to know our resources, our virtues, our shield and sword, our genius — which compels us to be strong… 'Roving Expeditions of an Inopportune Philosopher', Twilight of the Idols (1888)
65
He whom the flames of jealousy surround, at last, like the scorpion, turns the poisoned sting against himself.'First Part: Joys and Passions', Thus Spoke Zarathustra (1883)
66
The unreasonableness of a thing is no argument against its existence, but rather a condition thereof. 'Man alone by himself', Human, All Too Human (1878)

67
Perhaps I know best why man is the only animal that laughs: he alone suffers so excruciatingly that he was compelled to invent laughter.'Nihilism', The Will to Power (1901)
68
Is not life a hundred times too short for us — to bore ourselves?'Our Virtues', Beyond Good and Evil (1886)
69
One must still have chaos in oneself to give birth to a dancing star. 'Zarathustra's Prologue', Thus Spoke Zarathustra (1883)
70
When one has much to put into them, a day has a hundred pockets.'Man alone by Himself', Human, All Too Human (1878)
71
We recover best from our unnaturalness, from our spirituality, in our savage moods…'Apophthegms and Darts', Twilight of the Idols (1888)
72
For in fact, nothing is more democratic than logic: it is knows no respect of persons, and takes even the crooked nose as straight.'Book Fifth: We Fearless Ones', The Gay Science (1882)
73
He who wishes one day to fly, must first learn standing and walking and running and climbing and dancing: – one does not fly into flying!'Third Part: The Spirit of Gravity', Thus Spoke Zarathustra (1883)
74
Belief in the truth commences with the doubting of all those “truths” we once believed.Truth Will Have No Other Gods Alongside It (1879)
75
Every nation, every individual, has unpleasant and even dangerous qualities.'A Glance at the State', Human, All Too Human (1878)
76
The maturity of man — that means, to have reacquired the seriousness that one had as a child at play.'Apophthegms and Interludes', Beyond Good and Evil (1886)
77
Idleness is the parent of all psychology.'Apophthegms and Darts', Twilight of the Idols (1888)
78
But the worst enemy you can meet, will you yourself always be; you waylay yourself in caverns and forests.'First Part: The Way of the Creating One', Thus Spoke Zarathustra (1883)

79
One will seldom go wrong if one attributes extreme actions to vanity, average ones to habit, and petty ones to fear.'The History of the Moral Sentiments', Human, All Too Human (1878)
80
What we experience in dreams, provided we experience it often, pertains at last just as much to the general belonging of our soul as anything “actually” experienced; by virtue thereof we are richer or poorer.'The Natural History of Morals', Beyond Good and Evil (1886)
81
The commonest falsehood is that by which one deceives one’s self: the deception of others is a relatively exceptional case.The Antichrist (1888)
82
How is it? Is man only a mistake of God? Or God only a mistake of man?'Apophthegms and Darts', Twilight of the Idols (1888)
83
Only where there are graves are there resurrections.'Second Part: The Grave Song', Thus Spoke Zarathustra (1883)
84
The thought of suicide is a great consolation: by means of it one gets successfully through many a bad night.'Apophthegms and Interludes', Beyond Good and Evil (1886)
85
Neither necessity nor desire, but the love of power, is the demon of mankind. You may give men everything possible health, food,shelter,enjoyment but they are and
remain unhappy and capricious, for the demon waits and waits; and must be satisfied.The Dawn (1881)
86
Truly, he who possesses little is so much the less possessed: praised be a little poverty!'First Part: The New Idol', Thus Spoke Zarathustra (1883)
87
If there is something to pardon in everything, there is also something to contemn!'Nihilism', The Will to Power (1901)

88
Woman learns how to hate in proportion as she — forget now to charm.'Apophthegms and Interludes', Beyond Good and Evil (1886)
89
Marriages which are contracted for love (so-called love-matches) have error for their father and need (necessity) for their mother.'Wife and Child', Human, All Too Human (1878)
90
What is the ape to man? A laughing-stock or a painful embarrassment.And just the same shall man be to the overman: a laughing-stock or a painful embarrassment.'Zarathustra's Prologue', Thus Spoke Zarathustra (1883)
91
Art is not merely an imitation of the reality of nature, but in truth a metaphysical supplement to the reality of nature, placed alongside thereof for its conquest.The Birth of Tragedy (1872)
92
The vanity of others is only counter to our taste when it is counter to our vanity.'Apophthegms and Interludes', Beyond Good and Evil (1886)
93
The “kingdom of heaven” is a state of the heart – not something to come “beyond the world” or “after death.”The Antichrist (1888)
94
The best friend will probably get the best wife, because a good marriage is based on talent for friendship.
(known as: It is not a lack of love, but a lack of friendship that makes unhappy marriages.) Human, All Too Human (1878)
95
Art raises its head where creeds relax.'Concerning the Soul of Artists and Authors', Human, All Too Human (1878)
96
There exists in the world a single path along which no one can go except you: whither does it lead? Do not ask, go along it.'Schopenhauer as educator', Untimely Meditations (1876)
97
Art is the only task of life.'The Will to Power in Art', The Will to Power (1901)
98
No one is such a liar as the indignant man.'The Free Spirit', Beyond Good and Evil (1886)
99
We are all growing volcanoes, which will have their hours of eruption: how near or how distant this is, nobody of course knows, not even the good God.'Book First', The Gay Science (1882)
100
When one has one’s wherefore of life, one gets along with almost every how.
(known as: He who has a why to live can bear almost any how.)'Apophthegms and Darts', Twilight of the Idols (1888)

101

Out of the deepest must the highest come to its height.'Third Part: The Wanderer', Thus Spoke Zarathustra (1883)
102
The fact that an intellect contains a few worms does not detract from its ripeness.Miscellaneous Maxims and Opinions (1879)
103
When a man has finished building his house, he finds that he has learnt unawares something which he ought absolutely to have known before he began to build.'What is Noble?', Beyond Good and Evil (1886)
104
We are responsible to ourselves for our own existence; consequently we want to be the true helmsman of this existence and refuse to allow our existence to resemble a mindless act of chance.'Schopenhauer as educator', Untimely Meditations (1876)
105
It is the privilege of greatness to confer intense happiness with insignificant gifts.'Man alone by Himself', Human, All Too Human (1878)
106
Words are only symbols for the relations of things among themselves and to us, and nowhere touch absolute truth.Philosophy in the Tragic Age of the Greeks (1873)
107
Let us be on our guard against saying that death is contrary to life. The living being is only a species of dead being, and a very rare species.'Book Third', The Gay Science (1882)
108
For this is hardest of all: to close the open hand out of love, and keep modest as a giver.'Second Part: The Child with the Mirror', Thus Spoke Zarathustra (1883)
109
Nothing has been more dearly bought than the minute portion of human reason and feeling of liberty upon which we now pride ourselves.The Dawn (1881)
110
To be ashamed of one’s immorality is a step on the ladder at the end of which one is ashamed also of one’s morality.'Apophthegms and Interludes', Beyond Good and Evil (1886)
111
Stupidity in a woman is unfeminine.The Wanderer and His Shadow (1880)

112
It is not the struggle of opinions that has made history so turbulent; but the struggle of belief in opinions.'Man alone by Himself', Human, All Too Human (1878)
113
Culture is liberation, the removal of all the weeds, rubble and vermin that want to attack the tender buds of the plant.'Schopenhauer as educator', Untimely Meditations (1876)
114
Fanatics are picturesque, and mankind prefers observing poses to listening to reasons…The Antichrist (1888)
115
Man is a rope stretched between animal and overman – a rope over an abyss.'Zarathustra's Prologue', Thus Spoke Zarathustra (1883)
116
To die proudly when it is no longer possible to live proudly.'Roving Expeditions of an Inopportune Philosopher', Twilight of the Idols (1888)
117
He who has seen another’s ideal becomes his inexorable judge, and as it were his evil conscience.Miscellaneous Maxims and Opinions (1879)
118
To talk much about oneself may also be a means of concealing oneself.'Apophthegms and Interludes', Beyond Good and Evil (1886)
119
A young man can be most surely corrupted when he is taught to value the like-minded more highly than the differently minded.The Dawn (1881)
120
We sometimes remain faithful to a cause merely because its opponents never cease to be insipid.'Man alone by Himself', Human, All Too Human (1878)
121
Whoever does not know how to hit the nail on the head should be entreated not to hit the nail at all.The Wanderer and His Shadow (1880)

122
It is the stillest words which bring the storm. Thoughts that come with doves’ footsteps guide the world.'Second Part: The Stillest Hour', Thus Spoke Zarathustra (1883)
123
Sensuality often forces the growth of love too much, so that its root remains weak, and is easily torn up.'Apophthegms and Interludes', Beyond Good and Evil (1886)
124
The demand to be loved is the greatest of presumptions.'Man alone by Himself', Human, All Too Human (1878)
125
Our treasure is where the beehives of our knowledge are.'Foreword', On the Genealogy of Morality (1887)
126
If a woman possesses manly virtues, she is to be run away from; and if she does not possess them, she runs away herself.'Apophthegms and Darts', Twilight of the Idols (1888)
127
But what after all are man’s truths? They are his irrefutable errors.'Book Third', The Gay Science (1882)
128
Forgetting our purpose is the most frequent form of folly.The Wanderer and His Shadow (1880)
129
Man is something that is to be surpassed.'Zarathustra's Prologue', Thus Spoke Zarathustra (1883)
130
Egoism belongs to the essence of a noble soul.'What is Noble?', Beyond Good and Evil (1886)

131
There are many kinds of eyes. Even the Sphinx has eyes — therefore there must be many kinds of “truths,” and consequently there can be no truth.'The Will to Power in Science', The Will to Power (1901)
132
When art arrays itself in the most shabby material it is most easily recognised as art.'Concerning the Soul of Artists and Authors', Human, All Too Human (1878)
133
The admiration of a quality or of an art may be so strong as to deter us from aspiring to possess that quality or art.Miscellaneous Maxims and Opinions (1879)
134
Not when the truth is filthy, but when it is shallow, does the discerning one go unwillingly into its waters.'First Part: Chastity', Thus Spoke Zarathustra (1883)
135
One does not hate as long as one disesteems, but only when one esteems equal or superior.'Apophthegms and Interludes', Beyond Good and Evil (1886)
136
The wisest men in all ages have judged similarly with regard to life: it is good for nothing.'The Problem of Socrates', Twilight of the Idols (1888)
137
Our character is determined more by the absence of certain experiences than by the experiences we have undergone.Miscellaneous Maxims and Opinions (1879)
138
There is no such thing as moral phenomena, but only a moral interpretation of phenomena.'Apophthegms and Interludes', Beyond Good and Evil (1886)
139
It is an excellent thing to express a thing consecutively in two ways, and thus provide it with a right and a left foot. Truth can stand indeed on one leg, but with two she will walk and complete her journey.The Wanderer and His Shadow (1880)
140
Do ever what you will – but first be such as can will.'Third Part: The Bedwarfing Virtue', Thus Spoke Zarathustra (1883)
141
A great value of antiquity lies in the fact that its writings are the only ones that modern men still read with exactness.Notes (1874), The Portable Nietzche
142
Many a man fails to become a thinker for the sole reason that his memory is too good.Miscellaneous Maxims and Opinions (1879)
143
Before the effect one believes in other causes than after the effect.'Book Third', The Gay Science (1882)

144
He that humbleth himself wishes to be exalted.'The History of the Moral Sentiments', Human, All Too Human (1878)
145
Extreme positions are not relieved by more moderate ones, but by extreme opposite positions.'Nihilism', The Will to Power (1901)
146
Haste is universal because everyone is in flight from himself.'Schopenhauer as educator', Untimely Meditations (1876)
147
Not joy but joylessness is the mother of debauchery.Miscellaneous Maxims and Opinions (1879)
148
Presumption in connection with merit offends us even more than presumption in persons devoid of merit, for merit in itself offends us.'Man in Society', Human, All Too Human (1878)
149
By means of music the very passions enjoy themselves.'Apophthegms and Interludes', Beyond Good and Evil (1886)
150
I still live, I still think; I must still live, for I must still think.'Book Fourth: Sanctus Januarius', The Gay Science (1882)

APPENDIX (a): The Gay Science (1882):

"Nietzsche never married. Nietzsche proposed to Lou Salomé three times, but his proposal was rejected each time.[90] The Nietzsche scholar Joachim Köhler has attempted to explain Nietzsche's life history and philosophy by claiming that Nietzsche was homosexual. Köhler argues that Nietzsche's syphilis, which is "usually considered to be the product of his encounter with a prostitute in a brothel in Cologne or Leipzig, is equally likely, it is now held, to have been contracted in a male brothel in Genoa".[91] Köhler also suggests Nietzsche may have had a romantic relationship as well as a friendship with Paul Rée. Köhler's views have not found wide acceptance among Nietzsche scholars and commentators. Allan Megill argues that while Köhler's claim that Nietzsche was in confrontation with homosexual desire cannot simply be dismissed, "the evidence is very weak" and Köhler may be projecting twentieth-century understandings of sexuality on nineteenth-century notions of friendship.[92] Other scholars have argued that Köhler's sexuality-based interpretation is not helpful in understanding Nietzsche's philosophy.[93][94] Some like Nigel Rodgers and Mel Thompson have argued that continuous sickness and headaches hindered Nietzsche from engaging much with women. Yet, they bring other examples in which Nietzsche expressed his affections to other women, including Wagner's wife Cosima Wagner."[95]

APPENDIX (b): The Horse of Turin

"In Turin on 3rd January, 1889, Friedrich Nietzsche steps out of the doorway of number six, Via Carlo Alberto. Not far from him, the driver of a hansom cab is having trouble with a stubborn horse. Despite all his urging, the horse refuses to move, whereupon the driver loses his patience and takes his whip to it. Nietzsche comes up to the throng and puts an end to the brutal scene, throwing his arms around the horse’s neck, sobbing. His landlord takes him home, he lies motionless and silent for two days on a divan until he mutters the obligatory last words, 'Mutter, ich bin dumm!' ['Mother, I am stupid!' in German] and lives for another ten years, silent and demented, cared for by his mother and sisters. We do not know what happened to the horse."

Blogger's Blather. I found an amazing number of artistic representations of Nietzsche's horse, none of which were very respectful. Many were of the My Little Pony variety, and I am sure the horse didn't look like that. Though many accounts of his spectacular breakdown mock and jeer at his mental illness and claim his family "threw him into an asylum", the truth is he had untreated syphilis which eventually gets into the brain, acting similarly to TBI (traumatic brain injury). It's not too damn funny, folks. And they looked after him at home.

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Just you

Little Sexpot (short fiction)

It’s not that she wasn’t grateful. When you don’t get to go anywhere on a Saturday night because everyone thinks you’re a loser and full of shit, you should be grateful for any kind of social contact at all.

Or so her siblings thought. Her sister Noreen was thirteen years older than she was, and obviously Mum and Dad were going to trust her with her little sister's wellbeing. Besides, it was good for her to “get out”, much better than hiding in her room crying like she always did.

Her older brother Don had lots of friends too, and their wives came along, but that didn’t stop the “goings-on” that were considered to be all part of the fun. She noticed the minute she stepped into the babble and funk of these parties that she was the mascot, younger than anyone else by ten years or more. Was she game? A target? Who knew, but what she did know was that she was supposed to be grateful.

There was an obnoxious creep called Shivas, but after a while she figured out that it wasn’t his real name, that it came from his habit of making a certain drink called a Shivas Special. Chivas Regal and one ice cube. Another was Tang crystals dissolved in vodka.

They were all quite interested in seeing how the mascot would react to having her glass filled and refilled. After all, she was allowed wine at home. Lots of it. Her parents didn’t frown on her drinking and even seemed to think it was “good for her”. Her brother and sister waved the banner of booze at every opportunity, insisting it was an unalloyed good, even when they woke the next day vomiting and ashen.

The party deteriorated over time, got louder, with people bumping together and the smell of pot wafting under door-cracks. Once she felt a hand, someone’s hand, didn’t know whose. Then her brother’s best friend started smiling at her. She looked the other way. Like the Ugly Duckling, she just didn’t believe it at first.

But then he sort of beckoned with his eyes. Come upstairs with me. Upstairs?? His wife was over in the corner flirting with her brother like they always did. Did she dare to do this, could she sneak up with him and –

This is how it always happened.

It happened because her brother’s friend was a really good kisser. He knew the spots to touch. Her body responded like flame, though she felt overpowering shame at her reaction. She knew she wasn’t supposed to feel this way, to feel anything at all. But she also knew she had caused this, somehow. He managed to convey without words that he had always found her attractive and not mousy or fat.

All she knew about sex she had learned from books, the books stashed in her father’s bureau drawer under his underwear and pajamas. When her parents were away at choir practice, she took them out. They were very clinical and  did not deal with passion or pleasure, as if those sensations did not belong in the field of sex.

But she knew about erections, because he was pressing his against her body with force. Her heart beginning to race, she wondered if she would be raped. She wondered if she should fight back, break away. But the truth is, she loved the attention.

“Hey, you two!” a voice came up the stairs. “Get down here, will you? Quit messing around.” It was a woman’s voice, and at first she wondered if it was the man’s wife.  When she came downstairs, stumbling a little, she saw it was her brother’s girl friend, her makeup badly askew. The woman grabbed her around the waist and squeezed: “Little Lolita,” she crooned. “Little sexpot.”

The booze continued to flow. Her sister held court in an astonishing display of vanity and narcissism, “looking after” her little sister by ignoring her and handing her over to the good graces of Shivas and his endless noxious drinks. People made less and less sense. She felt more hands on her and didn’t know who they were.

She remembered trying to tell her sister about what was happening to her at these parties, what was being done to her. Done to her by married men with their wives in the next room (or even the same room). Her older sister rolled her eyes a bit and said, “I don’t know why you’re so upset! You don’t seem to have any friends your own age. This way you can have a social outlet with the grownups.”

When she told her a little bit about the seductions, she shook her head.

“Are they having sex with you?” For one second, concern seemed to flicker in her eyes.

“No.”

“I didn’t think so. You’re exaggerating. I really don’t think there’s anything wrong with a little smooch and a snuggle.  Look, we’re trying to include you and I really think you should be more grateful.”

Much later, she read about something called Walpurgis Night, a sort of witch’s Sabbath with hideous swarms of demonic figures that swept through communities leaving blackened wreckage in their wake. But this was supposed to be an advantage for her, a social outlet!

How many 14-year-olds wouldn’t give their right arm to be included in a group of adults with full-blown adult privileges?

She would go home after midnight, stagger into the bathroom and throw up all the Chivas Regal. The next morning, pale as a spook, she would throw up again, with her mother hearing her but saying nothing.

Her mother knew. She knew everything. Wanted to be rid of this social liability, to hand her over. Keep her happy. Later that day the family received a bouquet. She knew it was from her brother’s friend, the one who had pinned and groped her. It couldn’t be anyone else.

”Had a great time last night," the sloppily-written tag read. "See you next week."

It was not signed. Incredibly, her parents did not ask who had sent it, but put the pink roses in a vase on the table. 

Twenty years later, the family was absolutely horrified to learn that Little Sister had joined AA. It was a total disgrace to the family, who had never had problems like that and never would. It was obviously an act of hostility on her part. They could never understand why she wasn't more grateful for all they had done for her. When she began to see a therapist, it was even worse, for that implied that the family was crazy. Then they decided that SHE was the one who was crazy, and the matter was closed.

Post-script. Some years later my brother's friend, the one who liked to send me roses, lost his job and all his money and (finally) his wife, and shot himself in the head. I suppose these things never end well. For me, they never end at all. 

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An almost normal life (short fiction)

A young woman sits in the waiting room of a psychiatrist’s office. She flips through old magazines full of celebrity diets and recipes for lavish desserts, uninterested.

“OK, Sandra, you can go in now.”

Into the throne room. The palace of no return. Or something like that. Since her bipolar diagnosis (and why is everyone suddenly bipolar? Wasn’t it multiple personality disorder a few years ago?), everything has been turned upside-down.

She is on five different medications, two of them to deal with side effects from the other three. These are (supposedly) working in tandem at relatively low levels which are (supposedly) easier on body and brain. Or at least that’s the theory, until the next one comes along.

“Sandra.”

“Dr. Turnstile.” (She has never quite gotten used to that name, which made her guffaw the first time she heard it.)

“So how are we doing these days.”

Not a question, but a statement, always in the plural.

“Oh, we’re. .  . just fine. But to tell you the truth, doctor, it could be better.”

“Feeling a touch of depression lately?” (He picks up his clipboard and begins to make notes.

“A touch. It’s been. . .I don’t know. Remember I told you about my brother?”

”The one who got married last year.”

“No, the other one. I mean. . .”

“Refresh my memory.”

“The one I’ve been talking about for the past five sessions.”

“I detect a note of irritability.” He makes another note.

“Yes, a note. He’s in jail now. Embezzlement. The guy is just too clever for his own good. He’s appealing, of course. I don’t mean that kind of appealing.”

“Explain.”

“Never mind, it’s just a lame joke.”

“So apart from your brother going to jail. . . “

“Oh, everything’s just hunky-dory.”

“I detect a note of sarcasm.”

“That’s because I’m lying. Everything isn’t hunky-dory. You remember my boy friend, Robert –“

“The accountant."

“Lawyer. We broke up. It was. . . I don’t know, pretty bad.”

“Are you taking your medication?

She blinks. “I wouldn’t dream of going off it.”

“Would you like me to raise the doseage on the Seroquel?”

"No.”

“The Lamotrigine?”

“No.”

“The lithium?”

“No.”

“Then let’s discuss non-medication-oriented strategies for managing the mild depression you seem to be experiencing right now.”

“Strategies.”

“Yes. You remember what I told you in our previous sessions. The principles of cognitive therapy indicate that feelings arise from thoughts. If thoughts are excessively negative, emotions will soon follow suit.”

“I always had a problem with that one.”

“Yes, I realize there has been some resistance to treatment. This must be overcome if you are to become truly well.”

“Can I be truly well if I’m bipolar?”

“Not in the usual sense. But in a relative sense, as opposed to experiencing severe episodes, then it’s possible for someone with bipolar disorder to live an almost normal life."

“Almost normal. I see. So nut cases can only get so much better before they hit a wall.”

"Sandra, that is a completely irresponsible statement.”

“But I’m just sayin’. There’s only so far a bipolar can go. The chain is pretty short.”

“That’s why it is so imperative for you to adhere strictly to the principles of cognitive therapy.”

“You see, there’s where I can’t follow you. I find it hard to believe that every emotion is just an offshoot of a thought, and that every thought can be controlled.”

“Maybe not every thought. But people have more control than they think.”

“Do they now. Then I wonder why we even need medication.”

“Sandra, you know why. You have inherited a chemical imbalance of the brain which tends to trigger extreme mood swings, which in turn skews your thoughts toward the negative.”

“But the thoughts lead to the mood swings, don't they? I'm confused."

“There is no need to twist my words around."

“OK then, cognitive therapy. That means I’m supposed to reframe negative events – “

"Now you’re on the right track.”

“. . . Reframe negative events so that they become positive. Let’s see. So breaking up with Robert was really a good thing.”

“Yes, yes – continue – “

“No matter how much I loved him, I – I don’t know. I can’t think of anything.”

“How about this for an alternate hypothesis. There is a possibility that this breakup will free you to explore other possibilities. You’re young. There are other fish in the sea.”

“Other fish.”

“Maybe even better fish. Have you thought of that? And how about your brother? Can we shed a more positive light on his situation, which is, after all, self-created?"

“Oh, maybe he’ll turn his life around in jail. Have a religious conversion, write a book, marry some woman on the outside who’s willing to wait fifteen years until he gets out.”

“Again, the note of sarcasm.”

“Yeah, but I just can’t do this. This cognitive therapy, it implies we can control just about every thought, and thus every feeling that we have. We can just decide.”

“Yes, more than most people realize.”

“Isn’t this creating your own reality? Isn’t that what crazy people do?”

“Sandra, you are deliberately poking holes in the therapeutic process.”

“Poking holes. Doctor, I wish it were as simple as deciding how to feel.”

“But to a large extent, Sandra, it is. Cognitive therapy is, after all, the primary mode of treatment in modern therapeutic practice.”

"Then why have they stopped saying that about being gay?”

He looks disconcerted, puts down his clipboard.

“You know. They used to say being gay was something you could change if you just decided to. You know, made up your mind.”

“That was many years ago.” He shifts in his chair.

“In other words: yes, you might be attracted to men, but that’s a choice. You can choose something else, a girl in other words, any time you want to.”

“That’s very simplistic.” He is turning a shade of pink.

“But according to the principles of cognitive therapy, it should work. You should be able to change your feelings of attraction to men just by changing your thoughts. Am I right?”

”The DSM specifically states – “

“Forget the DSM. Say you’re gay. You want to be straight, or your mother wants you to be straight. Hell, let’s face it, even with the progress we’ve made, it’s still easier to be straight than gay. You don’t have to explain yourself all the time.  So, just change your thoughts about the subject and you won’t have those feelings any more! Think about girls instead. Finito. Problem solved.”

“We aren’t discussing sexual orientation now, Sandra.”

“Yes we are. Haven’t you been listening?”

Dr. Turnstile has the look of a fish sliding down a chute and landing helplessly in the ocean. It is imperative that they change the subject before he loses any more ground.

Sandra fixes him with her incandescent blue eyes.

“It just comes down to a decision. Am I right? But the thing is, doctor – you haven’t made that decision yet. Have you?”

A young woman sits in the waiting room of a psychiatrist’s office. She flips through an old magazine with screaming headlines about Lindsay Lohan’s latest arrest on the cover, bored.

“OK, Sandra, you can go in now.”

She tosses the magazine on the table, gets up from her chair and walks into Dr. Turnstile’s office.

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Does everything happen for a reason?

I did not write this, but I agree with every word of it. I only paste it here, along with a link to the original, because it's my experience that people don't click on links, or if they do they merely scan the piece. Pasted, it grabs more attention, or it might. The article is from a blog called The Adversity Within: Shining Light on Dark Places by Tim Lawrence. I plan to explore this blog to more depth because it speaks to me and my own personal load of pain and damage, and the ludicrous, hurtful things people continually say so that they can walk away saying, there, I did my bit. Again, I didn't write this, I merely reproduce it here because if you're like me, y'all have the attention span of a gnat and won't follow the link.

http://www.timjlawrence.com/blog/2015/10/19/everything-doesnt-happen-for-a-reason

Everything Doesn't Happen For A Reason
OCTOBER 20, 2015

I emerge from this conversation dumbfounded. I've seen this a million times before, but it still gets me every time.

I’m listening to a man tell a story. A woman he knows was in a devastating car accident; her life shattered in an instant. She now lives in a state of near-permanent pain; a paraplegic; many of her hopes stolen.

He tells of how she had been a mess before the accident, but that the tragedy had engendered positive changes in her life. That she was, as a result of this devastation, living a wonderful life.

And then he utters the words. The words that are responsible for nothing less than emotional, spiritual and psychological violence:

Everything happens for a reason. That this was something that had to happen in order for her to grow.

That's the kind of bullshit that destroys lives. And it is categorically untrue.

It is amazing to me—after all these years working with people in pain—that so many of these myths persist. The myths that are nothing more than platitudes cloaked as sophistication. The myths that preclude us from doing the one and only thing we must do when our lives are turned upside down: grieve.

You know exactly what I'm talking about. You've heard these countless times. You've probably even uttered them a few times yourself. And every single one of them needs to be annihilated.

Let me be crystal clear: if you've faced a tragedy and someone tells you in any way, shape or form that your tragedy was meant to be, that it happened for a reason, that it will make you a better person, or that taking responsibility for it will fix it, you have every right to remove them from your life.

Grief is brutally painful. Grief does not only occur when someone dies. When relationships fall apart, you grieve. When opportunities are shattered, you grieve. When dreams die, you grieve. When illnesses wreck you, you grieve.

So I’m going to repeat a few words I’ve uttered countless times; words so powerful and honest they tear at the hubris of every jackass who participates in the debasing of the grieving:

Some things in life cannot be fixed. They can only be carried.

These words come from my dear friend Megan Devine, one of the only writers in the field of loss and trauma I endorse. These words are so poignant because they aim right at the pathetic platitudes our culture has come to embody on a increasingly hopeless level. Losing a child cannot be fixed. Being diagnosed with a debilitating illness cannot be fixed. Facing the betrayal of your closest confidante cannot be fixed.

They can only be carried.

I hate to break it to you, but although devastation can lead to growth, it often doesn't. The reality is that it often destroys lives. And the real calamity is that this happens precisely because we've replaced grieving with advice. With platitudes. With our absence.

I now live an extraordinary life. I've been deeply blessed by the opportunities I've had and the radically unconventional life I've built for myself. Yet even with that said, I'm hardly being facetious when I say that loss has not in and of itself made me a better person. In fact, in many ways it's hardened me.

While so much loss has made me acutely aware and empathetic of the pains of others, it has made me more insular and predisposed to hide. I have a more cynical view of human nature, and a greater impatience with those who are unfamiliar with what loss does to people.

Above all, I've been left with a pervasive survivor’s guilt that has haunted me all my life. This guilt is really the genesis of my hiding, self-sabotage and brokenness.

In short, my pain has never been eradicated, I've just learned to channel it into my work with others. I consider it a great privilege to work with others in pain, but to say that my losses somehow had to happen in order for my gifts to grow would be to trample on the memories of all those I lost too young; all those who suffered needlessly, and all those who faced the same trials I did early in life, but who did not make it.

I'm simply not going to do that. I'm not going to construct some delusional narrative fallacy for myself so that I can feel better about being alive. I'm not going to assume that God ordained me for life instead of all the others so that I could do what I do now. And I'm certainly not going to pretend that I've made it through simply because I was strong enough; that I became "successful" because I "took responsibility."

There’s a lot of “take responsibility” platitudes in the personal development space, and they are largely nonsense. People tell others to take responsibility when they don’t want to understand.

Because understanding is harder than posturing. Telling someone to “take responsibility” for their loss is a form of benevolent masturbation. It’s the inverse of inspirational porn: it’s sanctimonious porn.

Personal responsibility implies that there’s something to take responsibility for. You don’t take responsibility for being raped or losing your child. You take responsibility for how you choose to live in the wake of the horrors that confront you, but you don't choose whether you grieve. We're not that smart or powerful. When hell visits us, we don't get to escape grieving.

This is why all the platitudes and fixes and posturing are so dangerous: in unleashing them upon those we claim to love, we deny them the right to grieve.

In so doing, we deny them the right to be human. We steal a bit of their freedom precisely when they're standing at the intersection of their greatest fragility and despair.

No one—and I mean no one—has that authority. Though we claim it all the time.

The irony is that the only thing that even can be "responsible" amidst loss is grieving.

So if anyone tells you some form of get over it, move on, or rise above, you can let them go.

If anyone avoids you amidst loss, or pretends like it didn’t happen, or disappears from your life, you can let them go.

If anyone tells you that all is not lost, that it happened for a reason, that you’ll become better as a result of your grief, you can let them go.

Let me reiterate: all of those platitudes are bullshit.

You are not responsible to those who try to shove them down your throat. You can let them go.

I’m not saying you should. That is up to you, and only up to you. It isn't an easy decision to make and should be made carefully. But I want you to understand that you can.

I've grieved many times in my life. I've been overwhelmed with shame and self-hatred so strong it’s nearly killed me.

The ones who helped—the only ones who helped—were those who were there. And said nothing.

In that nothingness, they did everything.

I am here—I have lived—because they chose to love me. They loved me in their silence, in their willingness to suffer with me, alongside me, and through me. They loved me in their desire to be as uncomfortable, as destroyed, as I was, if only for a week, an hour, even just a few minutes.

Most people have no idea how utterly powerful this is.

Are there ways to find "healing" amidst devastation? Yes. Can one be "transformed" by the hell life thrusts upon them? Absolutely. But it does not happen if one is not permitted to grieve. Because grief itself is not an obstacle.

The obstacles come later. The choices as to how to live; how to carry what we have lost; how to weave a new mosaic for ourselves? Those come in the wake of grief. It cannot be any other way.

Grief is woven into the fabric of the human experience. If it is not permitted to occur, its absence pillages everything that remains: the fragile, vulnerable shell you might become in the face of catastrophe.

Yet our culture has treated grief as a problem to be solved, an illness to be healed, or both. In the process, we've done everything we can to avoid, ignore, or transform grief. As a result, when you're faced with tragedy you usually find that you're no longer surrounded by people, you're surrounded by platitudes.

What to Offer Instead

When a person is devastated by grief, the last thing they need is advice. Their world has been shattered. This means that the act of inviting someone—anyone—into their world is an act of great risk. To try and fix or rationalize or wash away their pain only deepens their terror.

Instead, the most powerful thing you can do is acknowledge. Literally say the words:

I acknowledge your pain. I am here with you.

Note that I said with you, not for you. For implies that you're going to do something. That is not for you to enact. But to stand with your loved one, to suffer with them, to listen to them, to do everything but something is incredibly powerful.

There is no greater act than acknowledgment. And acknowledgment requires no training, no special skills, no expertise. It only requires the willingness to be present with a wounded soul, and to stay present, as long as is necessary.

Be there. Only be there. Do not leave when you feel uncomfortable or when you feel like you're not doing anything. In fact, it is when you feel uncomfortable and like you're not doing anything that you must stay.

Because it is in those places—in the shadows of horror we rarely allow ourselves to enter—where the beginnings of healing are found. This healing is found when we have others who are willing to enter that space alongside us. Every grieving person on earth needs these people.

Thus I beg you, I plead with you, to be one of these people.

You are more needed than you will ever know.

And when you find yourself in need of those people, find them. I guarantee they are there.

Everyone else can go.