Sometimes old is just old

Today's Vancouver Sun plopped on my doorstep with a special supplement on The Art of Retirement. On the cover was a vigorous-looking older couple jogging on a nature trail (though admittedly, he looked like he was having some trouble staying upright). Hmm, I thought, a supplement! Didn't that mean the usual thing? I was right: the entire section was one big ad, glossy articles written by glossy experts, all working in the very glossy Old Age Industry. These included Barry LaValley, President, The Retirement Lifestyle Centre, and Susan Eng, Vice President of Advocacy, CARP.

While I've done my share of carping as I careen towards my own seniority, this struck me as just one more way that old people might get "taken". In other words, convinced to hand over desperately-needed cash in return for the services of a consultant assuming almost superhuman mobility and endless financial flow. The following glossy piece almost completely sidesteps what I think of as the two most crucial needs of the ageing population: good health and money. (I put those in that order because you can't exactly go on cruises if you're dead.)

But what can you expect from an organization called "mediaplanet"?

Finding your style: how do you want to retire?

Retirement, as the saying goes, is when we stop living at work, and start working at living. It's important to stay fulfilled, and each of us has our own unique way of doing so

I.J. (IDA-JEAN) MCINTYRE, BA, JD 
Director, The Retirement Institute

The art of your retirement is in you.

It all depends on your retirement being in sync with your style. Just as most of you have a preference to write with your left hand or your right hand, you also have a preferred personal style that impacts your retirement life. While everyone is made up of a blend of all four styles, you have a primary, most natural style.

Have to know 

For example, some of you will find satisfaction pursuing intellectual concepts, technology or innovation especially in your field of expertise where your knowledge is appreciated. You will gather data and information to make informed decisions about your finances. You may work, consult, mentor, play bridge or other challenging games, study or invent.   you are most likely to enjoy individual sports like running, biking, or golfing.

Go with the flow 

Some of you will live your retirement making it up as you go, living in the moment. Your ability to observe,assess and come to quick decisions will be rewarded in work or volunteer roles.You will want the financial freedom to splurge and live spontaneously. You will need free rein in retirement so you may start your own company, perform or go on adventure travel. Practicing competitive sports will keep you in shape.

Join the club 

For some of you being of service to an organization where your natural talents to plan, organize, and coordinate are needed will be a fit for you. You may have difficulty spending the money you've diligently saved for your retirement until you are sure you will be able to meet your financial obligations now and in the future. For fun,you may belong to a choir, arts group,or book club. Hiking,dance,or ski clubs may be the way you stay fit.

Make a difference 

Taking action to make this a better world will be fulfilling for some of you. Your strengths building relationships will allow you to make a difference. You will want to make financial contributions to worthwhile causes. You may volunteer, support friends or family, read or paint. You may like to enhance your well-being by taking walks or doing yoga.

Find your path 

Do any of these descriptions remind you of you? Can you picture your retirement life? Exploring your preferred style will help you understand yourself while appreciating similarities and differences of others .A retirement specialist may be able to guide you. Knowing your style will help you discover the art of your retirement.

POST-BLOG. Doing my usual digging around, I was quite astonished to find that I. J. (Ida-Jean) McIntyre probably does not exist. I can't find a photo to match the pleasant mid-30s image that went with the newspaper article. In fact I couldn't google anything up at all. I mean, NOTHING. It makes me wonder if even her name is bogus: who under the age of 110 is called Ida-Jean? She's yet another chimera, folks, along with (probably) all the other glossy experts in the supplement, never explaining who they are but always willing to separate you from your cash. You never see them, of course, but they're in the newspaper so it must be true. (I wonder if they ripped off those photos from other people's Facebook pages.)  This is no better than those vermin who used to go door-to-door, come in and pray with lonely old widows, then sell them aluminum siding before skipping town without a trace. 

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FACEBOOK: you're doing it wrong

This is an actual transcription of an actual Facebook post, just a normal everyday post with the names changed, which for some reason made me want to lean over and howl.

• 
  

  Angelina Bromide

  Outlook Express is down--again!!! Apologies if anyone is trying to e-mail me, this is ridiculous.

  Like · · Share · 9 hours ago ·
  

  • Dory Rowboat likes this.
  • View 1 more comment
  • 

    Hermione Haymaker  Its been down for me most of the day.

    8 hours ago via mobile · Like · 1
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    Sydney Barrely Sycophant  Working now, Ange.

    8 hours ago · Like · 1
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    Buffy Perseid Meteorshower  I thought you were ignoring me... Lol. :) glad you are back!!!

    7 hours ago via mobile · Like · 1
  • 

    Angelina Bromide Oh god, what a day!! I had loads of e-mails to return...and everyone thought I was blowing them off. Douglas, it's back now, you're right. Fingers crossed it STAYS that way.

    
    
    
    

    

    
    

    
    

    You see, THIS is why. Why Facebook. Why Facebook makes. Makes us all sick.

    
    

    I mean, emotionally sick. Some study has just come out saying that the average Facebook user feels worse after going on Facebook than they did before. Nobody can figure out why.

    
    

    Nobody can figure out that blatant narcissism, relentless self-promotion/impression management, and a chronic empathy void has turned many Facebook users into ruthless jackals who will eat their best friend's heart if it will get them more "likes" in a day.

    
    

    Nobody can figure out that if you're not quite up to snuff on the empathy void issue, you might be the eaten rather than the eater. This definitely means you'll feel worse after you go on Facebook than you did before.
    
    
    
    

    

    
    

    
    

    We should give seminars, in fact probably somebody already DOES give seminars, maybe that self-help shithead who made all those people stay in the sweat lodge until they died, of how to carefully manage your Facebook image in a few thousand easy lessons. First thing is to boost your sense of desirability, nay, indispensibility! This involves things like fussing to your friends that  if your email goes down for even a few seconds, those pesky Nobel Prize people won't wait around to tell you about your astrophysics nomination and will just pass it along to someone else.

    
    

    Or what about those guys you've been dangling for months, the ones that have been begging you to sign on for your own reality TV show, How Hip Is That (And You're Not)? Will they finally get tired of all the coy bullshit you've been handing them and give you just one more very-last-chance and YOUR EMAIL WON'T BE WORKING so you won't even GET it and my GOD??
    
    
    
    

    

    
    

    
    

    But then it's all resolved and you get it and then lol, ; ) and : O and +**%, and you get a thousand fawning gushing congratulatory Facebook posts in a subtle ploy to actually be ON your show which is the only reason they bother with you anyway, but nobody tells you because they all think you're such a shallow bitch and probably wouldn't even

    
    

    What I hate about Facebook is the dishonest way this is all expressed. It's slipped in oh-so-casually, a ploy to make everybody else feel a little less popular, their lives a little more shabby and frayed around the edges. Facebook gives you license for a subtle form of bullyism that can easily be denied because it all comes out in such an innocuous, throwaway manner. In fact, the more casual the better, so everyone knows you don't really care. The effect is that your nose is constantly being rubbed in their fabulousness and you feel bad without knowing why.  It's like having a can of Reddi-Whip forced down your throat while your torturer casually pushes down on the nozzle until it's completely empty.

    
    
    
    

    

    
    
    

    But no metaphor can be quite as bad as the real thing. These people seem to be involved in one endless, rollicking lol-party only open to those exclusive 5000 close, personal friends who have been invited, and if they're out of touch with each other even for a few seconds, their universe collapses and they turn into the human equivalent of a black hole.

    
    

    
    http://margaretgunnng.blogspot.ca/2013/04/the-glass-character-synopsis.html
    

    
    

    
    

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The day Marty Scorsese became my friend. . . sort of

I don't have time to be writing this cuzzadafact that my hubby and me will be leaving in a minute to have brunch at a Chinese restaurant we love. We're celebrating something amazing that happened to me last night, something closely connected to my novel The Glass Character, but I can't tell you what it is yet. Let the egg incubate for a while.

It's these phony Facebook pages. Yes, I know, they are probably ubiquitous and usually involve big Hollywood stars. I honestly wonder how many big Hollywood stars have TIME to keep a personal FB page. Anyway, one day a while back I stumbled on a so-called page for Martin Scorsese. There were at least half-a-dozen sites for him, mostly fan sites you'd follow.

I got curious. Hey, what if one of them IS his real FB page? It looks like you can send a friend request.  I sent.

Months went by and I forgot all about it. Today  I got a notice in my inbox that, yes, Martin Scorsese was now my friend! I was absolutely flabbergasted. Soon I'd be hobnobbing with all the moguls and glamor-pusses of the Silver Screen. Yeeee-owdimus!

But then, I looked a little more closely.

The whole page looked a little "off", somehow. There wasn't much information of any kind. But it plainly  said "in a relationship with Marina Filoc". I tried to find out anything about her, but could only determine she could not speak English and worked at a shiatsu clinic.

One of Marty's "posts" pictured Billy Wilder's grave with a caption that read something like, Do not say I am stupid, am only writer. There followed a FLOOD of fawning, ingratiating comments about the post, praising Marty's articulate brilliance. "Am only writer"! Look how he plays with the idiom, ignores it, turns it on its ear! Look how he stands up to the mundane rules of grammar! He is a genius! It went on and on. Oh, Mr. Scorsese, thank you for allowing me to be your friend, I love your work always, I love Taxi Driver, is my favorit movie when it come on theTV at night, etc. etc., hundreds of them.

Uh.

People.

It's not him.

Scorsese has been married to the same woman for years, and her name ain't Marina Filoc. Marina Filoc, who on one site stated that she working her English ver hard to improve, is trying to cash in by hitching her rickety wagon to his oblivious star. Surely if she's Marty's main squeeze, she's going to have lots of attention, plenty of offers for. . . whatever.  I guess there are no rules against that sort of thing, against trying to siphon something off in case all that drooling drivel slops over the edge of the bowl. 

But it does make you wonder how many other FB pages are completely bogus. After all, it's not strung very tight, is it? You can pretty much be anyone you want to. A 20-year-old shiatsu therapist can suddenly become one of the most powerful figures in Hollywood history, and instantly have thousands of people fawning all over her and believing her without question.

Given the level of discernment we see in the Facebook community, who's going to know the difference?


http://margaretgunnng.blogspot.ca/2013/04/the-glass-character-synopsis.html

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Here they come: those wacky, tacky Screaming Frogs!

As an addendum to my Raise Giant Frogs nightmare post of a few days ago, here is a phenomenon of nature which I hitherto knew nothing about.

When you startle a frog, it screams.

Sometimes it sounds like a prolonged cat-yowl, or a balloon with the air slowly leaking out of the opening.

One wonders at the purpose of the scream, but it would seem to be either self-protective (the people in this video aren't necessarily being very nice to the frogs, and in some cases are actually provoking them) or a general alarm to the whole frog-pond. Human alert - whoop, whoop!

I never knew frogs screamed before, or that frogs could play video games, lunging at screens that have rapidly-moving buglike images on them. Clever? Yes. . . but not TOO clever. Frog might swallow the whole damn thing.


http://margaretgunnng.blogspot.ca/2013/04/the-glass-character-synopsis.html

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Girl on the Clock: Harold is everywhere!

How did this ever happen? Perhaps the YouTube video is now unplayable, but I don't think so. Did I delete this post (or a facsimile of it) about the incredible Sofia Vergara Cover Girl makeup ad in which she dangles from a huge clock just like You Know Who?

Anyway, it was here, and then it wasn't. And now it's here again, and I have no idea why I deleted it in the first place, except that maybe I was having one of "those days" when I thought that everything I did was pointless and would never get off the ground.

I don't know if it's my imagination, but I don't think it is: Harold Lloyd seems to be everywhere these days. A few months ago I saw this ad and was astonished. Vergara isn't nearly as cute as Harold, and her heavy accent makes the slogan come out as, "Ea-see, grea-see, beaudd-iful Coavr Grrl."

So what is going on here? How much of it is real, and how much is wishful thinking on my part?

The 2 1/2 people who religiously follow this blog (one-and-half of whom are Matt Paust) will realize that my sole obsession over the past five years or so has been Harold Lloyd and my novel centred around his life and career, The Glass Character. After moaning for several years that no one in publishing would give me the time of day, a publisher DID give me the time of day and I signed a contract. To my relief and joy, it will be coming out in the spring with Thistledown Press.

So what will happen then? Will doors swing open for this novel, will I be able to tell my story the way I've longed to for years? Has Harold really penetrated the popular culture the way he did back in 1923? There's something oddly contemporary about him, with his natty suit, specs and neat straw boater. No outlandish makeup, no crossed eyes or facepulling or stony non-expression. Did he have a gimmick? Not really. I think he was merely good.

Make that great.

It's hard to be possessed by something, to not know where it will take you, but at the same time it's incredibly exciting. Some performers don't go away, or else - eerily, we know not how - they come back. It has been a long trudge, with many a twist and turn, and wherever "there" is, I'm not there yet. Do I enjoy the journey? Sometimes. But other times, dear God, I just want to stop for a drink of water.

http://margaretgunnng.blogspot.ca/2013/04/the-glass-character-synopsis.html

http://members.shaw.ca/margaret_gunning/betterthanlife.htm

The day the language (literally!) died

Frogs for Fun and Profit (or: hello, my baby)

Raise Giant Frogs (Jan, 1936)

Raise Giant Frogs
A New, Uncrowded Industry

Good Profits – No Competition

Each pair of “Nufond Giant” breeders lay 10,000 eggs every year. With modern methods, up to 90% turn into frogs.
Giant frogs sell up to $5.00 per dozen everywhere. Think of the profit possibilities! Competition is unknown because the wild supply is practically exhausted.

Backyard Pond Starts You
A small backyard pond 20×25 feed with a little bank space is all you need to start. The pond is very shallow; little water is needed. Expand with the offspring.
Any kind of drinking water is suitable. Running water is not required. Flowers, lilies and plants make the pond very attractive.

Any Climate Suitable
“Nufond Giants” are a hardy breed of “North American” bull-frogs. You can raise them in the North or South, even in Canada.

Costs Little to Start
A frog pond is easy to make. There is nothing to buy except fence! You even raise the food right in the pond with the frogs! What other livestock offers you such advantages?

WORLDS LARGEST FROG MARKET

As originators of canned frog legs, we have developed the largest market for frogs in the world. Our products are on sale in principal cities throughout the country.
Write for our big, illustrated frog book. It explains our money-making proposition in detail.

          AMERICAN FROG CANNING COMPANY

Dept. 119-A New Orleans, Louisiana

This is one of those gasping, jaw-dropping ads from the 1930s. The contradictions in it are  headspinning. "No competition" should tell you something (i. e. nobody in their right mind would want a huge pond full of deafening croakers in their back yard or basement). "Competition is unknown because the wild supply is practically exhausted" is touted as a GOOD thing, not the environmental gut-wrench we feel today. If it's a shallow pond with no running water . . . does the word "swamp" mean anything to you? And what about this "food you raise in the pond right with the frogs"? My God!

Just picture it. . . a pond 20 x 25 feet. . . have you ever heard ONE bullfrog croak, even once? How many of them would be crowded into this "attractive" slime-pit? And all through the reading of this astonishing artifact, I kept wondering: why frogs? Why giant bullfrogs? It wasn't until I got to the bottom of the ad that I knew the sordid truth.

Somebody must have bought into this. I keep thinking of the poor schlubs who, desperate to make a little money during the Depression, actually bought what probably amounted to a slimy bottle of frog's eggs. Either that, or two dead frogs in a box. I wonder if anyone actually made a go of it. And the more I think of it. . . a guy out in his back yard, probably at night, with a shovel. . . his wife doesn't know anything about it. . . then it rains. . .

I would love to send away for their "big, illustrated frog book", but I think by now that the offer has probably expired.

  Visit Margaret's Amazon Author Page!

http://www.amazon.com/-/e/B001K7NGDA

I hate posting links, but you've got to see this one. . .

http://www.waitbutwhy.com/2013/07/7-ways-to-be-insufferable-on-facebook.html

Here is Truth. Faceboob/Fakebook laid bare.

Stephen Fry, Stephen Fry

Since this is a lovely and balmy day,
Let's look at a certain man today.

Not just any man, you see
But a man who is funny, ho ho ha hee.

Stephen Fry, Stephen Fry
When you come on public television,
it's almost like I die.

When you talked about Wagner
and Hitler and such,
I saw your green jacket
and just liked it so much.

You lost a lot of weight there,
you great big kermudge,
But I'm glad you found a shrink or
your brain might now be sludge.

Stephen Fry, Stephen Fry
When you go off to Bayreuth it just makes me cry.
When you sat down to play that piano so great,
It made my heart kaboom and palpitate.

And you surely got my sympathy vote
When you tried to hit one key and got the wrong note.

And when you did that show on bipolar disorder,
It made me just pack up and run for the border.

Stephen Fry, Stephen Fry
You drive me all nutty, I don't know just why.
Maybe you're crazy, that's part of your myth,
And even if you're gay I just wait for your kith.

I found out at last why girls like you so,
And boys of course too, vo-do-de-o-do.
Your face is all craggy, it looks so unique
Like Easter Island or a great mountain peak.

Yes, you have that Stonehenge look, you know
That makes the women moan very low.

I don't know how you do it, so effortless it seems,
So forever, silly person, you will dwell in my dreams.


BLOGGER'S NOTE. This is a summer repeat, but for a good reason: we've been seeing a lot of Stevie in the news these days, sounding off about the wretched goings-on in Russia. And well might he rave. The Russians suck at tolerance and compassion and just throw whatever rocks they want to, and their attitudes are worse than the assholes in that Oscar Wilde movie he was in,  so somebody had to get up there and sound off! And who better than our Steve. Besides which, I think a lot more people listen to him than to that boring old Putin. Russians! Remember when Brezhnev opened the Olympics and went up to the podium and said "O, O, O, O, O"? It was the most original thing he ever said. P. S. the formatting is really weird in this one cuz that's how I used to do things before I knew how to blog - I think it looks better actually - good night.



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