Stella and Ella: Public Access Gold!

As you are well aware - OK, then, you aren't because you never read this - I am always on the lookout for good public access kitsch. This is some of the finest I've ever seen: Stella and Ella, identical twins in their 70s with oddly unlined, expressionless faces, doing a "panno-mahn" to Bing Crosby groaning Silent Night. As we find out in the introduction, one of them is dead, which explains a lot (though they may be mistaken about that: to me, it looks as if BOTH of them are). They wear white choir gowns and do a lot of outstretched-arm stuff. There is this "local radar" weather warning thing which I at first thought was some new YouTube feature. It never goes away and lends a bizarre stained-glass effect, along with the orange fibreglass curtains. 

These things aren't parody, which is what makes them so fascinating. They are sincere efforts at worship. Of what, I am not sure. No doubt both ladies are dead now, wearing their white crimplene gowns permanently in that great Public Access Station in the Sky.

Frightening Christian puppet show

Really, there are just SO MANY great YouTube clips of public access TV,  I just don't know where to start. From Jonathan Bell screaming redemption, to the unimagineable Stairway to Stardom (soon to be repeated here - can't live without it much longer!) to that poor guy who forgets the words, it's all rich stuff. This one, purportedly a puppet show, really has very little puppetry involved except cardboard lamb's heads that sort of move back and forth, with one eye occasionally opening and closing. I don't know what more to say about it.  Davy and Goliath it ain't.

Public Access Prophet: you've never seen ANYTHING like this!

This is one of those miracles of 1990s public access TV: a show that lasted two episodes before the Rev. Bell was carried off, either by the holy spirit or the forces of justice. I can't find the other one (it's around the internet somewhere), in which for some reason he wears a tux. I'm still trying to figure out the set - if that's what it is - or just how psychotic a person can be. Not too sure where he is today, IF he is today, or if he's doing serious time somewhere. Somewhere.

If you knew Suzy, you might be sick

I just didn't know where to begin. All of these clips have something to offer. Nausea, mostly. None of them combine ALL the awfulness, the boredom, the missed high notes, the flat voices and fluffed lyrics. So I just had to pick one.

This one's as good as any, but do try some of the others. I just keep finding new ones. I wonder who KEPT these things?

That's it, I'm changing the name of this blog

That's it, I've had it. I've had it with trying to be profound, or even to publicize my upcoming novel (it's called The Glass Character, folks, and it'll be out in April!). From now on, this will be an ALL Stairway to Stardom blog. I don't know where this treasure has been hiding all these years (most of the couple dozen or so videos were uploaded in 2010). I don't know why none of them have gone viral like Mr. Trololo. Maybe Jimmy Kimmel needs to give them a boost. How about having some of the alumni on the show? What a great idea! It'll never happen unless someone scoops me, because my great ideas always fail. Sorry, they just do, and there is not a thing I can do about it.

Every singer on this show sings horribly flat. They never go sharp and are never on pitch. Even a quasi-opera-singer who did O Solo Mio, lipsynching to a recording of himself, sang the last note horrendously flat, just jaw-droppingly awful.

It really begins to look like a satire, like something from SCTV (which was in its heyday at the time), but the earnestness of the performers tells us that, incredibly, this is on the level. The sleazebag host and his brain-dead wife add a nice touch of tackiness, along with the dead plants and rickety wood-thingammies (what ARE they, anyway?) used as backdrops. The best part of all are the camera effects, the squiggles and bad-acid-trip flashes. It distracts a little bit from the awfulness of the performances.

Singers dominate, but there are also awful standup comics and a magician who fumbles around while sitting at a table. The host comes on and says, "Hey, I bet I can do a better trick than that," and he's right. A puppet show reveals most of the arm and head of the puppeteer. One poor kid is told, "Well, it's not that I'm telling  you to pursue anuddah area. . . ", with his wife chiming in, "I could tell you were nervous. Were you a little nervous?" Yet this kid wasn't any worse than the rest of them. Why they picked on him, we'll never know.

These people all have nasal "Brahhnx" accents, and many are Jewish. It's definitely a regional/religious thing. But these acts would not even go over at Bernie's bar mitzvah. There are obviously no auditions, anyone can come on the show and do anything they want so long as it isn't obscene (though some of the dancers are borderline). There are no rehearsals either, or a loud GONGGGG sound would issue out of the heavens. Needless to say, there are no prizes either, because they're "all winners".

Look them up sometime, it's surreal, and after a while you will stop laughing as you listen to the sound of broken dreams.

Every day, a new discovery: Stairway to Stardom!

Yes! Every day, and in every way, I'm getting better and better. I don't know how I've lived so long without Stairway to Stardom, which actually appeared in a short Wikipedia entry:

Stairway to Stardom

From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

Stairway to Stardom was a public-access television series aired in New York City from 1979 to the early 1990s. It was described by NPR as "an amateur talent show many see as a low-rent precursor to American Idol."^[1] Filmed "in what appeared to be a freshly carpeted Staten Island basement,"^[2] the host Frank Masi would bring on amateur singers, dancers, actresses, and comedians to show off their questionable talents. Describing the show, The A.V. Club claimed that "without exaggeration, it was one of the greatest shows ever to be on television."^[3]
Clips of the show have appeared on the web and gained a cult following.^[4] The opening theme song was performed by Steve Luisi and All The King's Men.

I wouldn't have found these gorgeous and  gif-ready YouTube clips (God, just think of the gifs. . .stand back, I hope you like gifs, because this is about to become an all-gif blog) without the guidance of a wonderful Facebook page called Kitsch Bitsch. When I first started watching them, I thought someone had mislabelled old SCTV variety show broadcasts from Melonville. But no! This was a real show that went on and on for years, though by now most of the slightly-chubby and/or crazed contestants are either middle-aged or dead.

Aieeee. This could be the start of something big, or something awful, however you want to look at it. It seems to me these choice bits from Stairway to Stardom are being uploaded by the dozen now. Having watched a few, the cheesy camera effects are perhaps my favorite touch. But oh, I just don't know where to start!

Here, maybe?

http://margaretgunnng.blogspot.ca/2013/04/the-glass-character-synopsis.html

http://members.shaw.ca/margaret_gunning/betterthanlife.htm

God, let it soon be over: yet another worst video ever made

The last two videos seemed like a tie for the worst ones ever made, until I found (or rediscovered) this one. These people are completely unfamiliar with the concept of rehearsal. The accompanist is obviously on something, maybe blood pressure medicine, or else is that way all the time.

Yes, this music is spiritual, in that you pray it will soon be over.