And the clock on the wall is a bore: take 2 and 56

Father of my morning,
Once my child to the night
I see that you have minds to cop
And I can only watch the sickened sorrow

Little do you know
Of the progressions that you teach
The people that you reach are tired
Of livin' in a world of elastic towers

Dance with them and sing a song of changes
And talk with them of life and all its dangers
Surround yourself with now familiar strangers
Who kiss and who hug and eventually mug you of your time

And the clock on the wall is a bore
As you wander past the door
And find him lying on the floor
As he begs you for some more, you frozen smile

You cannot ever picture me
You know me by my thoughts
A file for your travelogue
Oblivious to the night, the fog around you
The germs they are ridiculous
They bother you at night
The blood that rushes to your brain
The ticket on the plane you're never catching

The price you pay exclusive of your taxes
To chop you up inside with tiny axes
The girl looks up to you from floors she waxes
And speaks to your belt with tears among her eyes

And the clock on the wall is a bore
As you wander past the door
And find him lying on the floor
As he begs you for some more, you frozen smile

The metaphysic wrinkles in the face of what you face
Are hidden by the fake-up man
Who lives inside the sterno can beside you
Now climb ye to the mountains
As the sun is almost gone
Escaping from your other selves
Your brothers hide among the shelves inside you

The games that people play can only bore you
But only those that know you don't ignore you
How many times have I come there to restore you
And caught you lying on the couch with father time

And the clock on the wall is a bore
As you wander past the door
And find him lying on the floor
As he begs you for some more, you frozen smile

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Blood work

 

They should install a little tap on the inside of my arm. That’s what I’ve heard people say. I never thought it would apply to me until a few years ago when it became apparent that, for health reasons, I was going to need “blood work” done (and just what does THAT mean?) every three months or so.

 

It’s an art to tap the mysterious underground streams that throb inside us, and not everyone can do it. My life is besmirched and besmutched by botched attempts that left deep bruising and yielded almost no blood at all, as if I were a human turnip or had somehow turned to stone.

 

 

I’d be happy to keep all my blood, thank you. Especially now that I am no longer a prison of the Moon Goddess that makes us all run out and buy tampons every month. Science needs but a few cells, likely, but always takes what seems like tanks full of it.

 

I don’t know what it is, but I’ve had some sort of revelation. Or something. For years I had my “blood work” done at a local lab I could walk to. Seemed like a good idea. But over the years the service got worse and worse. At least every other time, and eventually every time, the technician couldn’t find a vein. They slapped, they smacked, tied the rubber thingie tighter (though one dithering lady who seemed on the verge of hysterics insisted on tying it loosely around my rolled-up sleeve “so it won’t hurt your skin”). Then they’d jab. Jab jab. Oops. Pull out, turn around, jab some more. This is what it must have been like for Victorian women on their wedding night.

 

 

Then they’d get “that look”. Anger mixed with panic. Anger at ME, actually – they’d usually say something like, “Do you have this problem all the time?” or “Your veins are so tiny!”, or something that made me feel equally swell.

 

My veins wished they could apologize.

 

The worst was when they had to bring in a second person because the first one just couldn’t do it. Then panic ensued, with technicians running jerkily back and forth like something out of a silent movie. I hit rock-bottom a few months ago when, unable to get blood from either arm, they tried to get it out of the back of my hand. It hurt like hell, took ten minutes of agonizingly slow drips, and yielded about a thimbleful, which is probably all those lab fuckers need anyway.
 

 

I don’t know why I didn’t think of this before – maybe I assumed it was one of those geographical cures that’s never supposed to work – but one day I thought, hmm. I thought, WHY DON’T I TRY ANOTHER LAB? Surely all technicians can’t be this incompetent, this panic-stricken and unsure of themselves, not to mention insulting to their clientele’s veins.

 

So I did it. A little uneasily, I cracked the door of a clinic that looked pretty much like the old one. Surprisingly, the waiting room wasn’t choked up with unhappy-looking people in winter coats: I was able to go in right away. As a last-minute decision, I decided NOT to say anything about my “problem veins” or my miserable lack of success as a dispenser of my own blood.

 

I was cool.

 

Cool in the hands of the technician, an older woman with a no-nonsense manner.  I relaxed like a dog under the care of a good vet. The whole thing was over in 30 seconds, and I never even felt the stab.

 

So easy it was, it was almost pleasurable, which I know is a pretty perverted thing to say in this age of vampires.

 

OK, I said, fluke. HAS to be a fluke, or maybe this particular technician is a blood-drawing genius. But the second time, with a different one, it was just as laid-back and painless and FAST. No waiting for the agonizing drip. . . drip. . . drip. . . of  blood being tapped by a needle stuck in the wrong way, at some bizarre angle arrived at by corkscrew-like drilling.

 

It seems like we have a Land of Incompetent Blood-Tappers and a Land of the Other-Type-Thing. The bloodletting today was just ridiculous. She didn’t even say “make a fist”, and I did not feel the brief stab of entry at all. In fact, by the time she finished, I wondered when she was going to start.

 

 

It’s a mercy, for lately the frequency of the drilling has only intensified as new medical “issues” have come up, some of them scary as hell. I shouldn’t think the worst, of course. But I’m suddenly in that netherworld of clinics and waiting rooms and pee bottles and tiny circular bandaids and seeing specialists who may or may not turn out to be special.

 

I have another test next week involving not peeing for several hours, the sort of procedure pregnant women go through all the time. When I was pregnant, the doctor stuck his ear on my stomach and got more or less the same results. But now science must look inside me. Deep inside me.

 

Any time I’ve had a health crisis, which is not often, I would always feel silly when I got the test results back: no, we couldn’t find anything. Part of me wishes they WOULD find something. I crave the drama. But I also hate to be sick. Even having a cold makes me resentful.
 

 

After a most intimate probe in yet another specialist’s office the other day, I was assigned a colonoscopy in February, quite soon actually, meaning my case is of “moderate” importance. In other words, I’m not quite at death’s door from internal rot, but nor am I doing this just for an afternoon’s entertainment.

 

I’ve heard all sorts of things about this procedure. My husband had one done 30 years ago when preparation involved taking  twelve boxes of laxatives the night before, followed by lying helplessly on your stomach with no sedation whatsoever while they Roto-Rooted your insides. I hear now it’s easier, but the preparation takes five days. Fortunately you’re stoned out of your mind while they do the drilling, which I honestly look forward to.

 

But the thing is. . . some part of me, an insistent part, sometimes whispers in my ear, you might really be sick. They don’t do all this shit to a well person, do they? Or maybe they do, to rule it out.
 

 

How would I feel about that? I have to confess that a part of me leaps at the possibility of death with a sort of dizzy joy, like a dog reuniting with its master after the war. It reminds me of that Buddhist saying, “Throw down your earthly garments and run to me.”

 

It’s subversive even to think these things, let alone write about them. And yet, I do think them, pretty much daily. I look at my life and I have to conclude that it hasn’t exactly turned out.

 

Not like I thought, not as I wanted, no not at all. I look at others who have “made it”, who have succeeded and live in a world of stimulating company and conversation, while I sit there knitting.
 

 

I look at authors who’ve won the Giller, the Booker, the Nobel. Well, why not go right to the top while you’re feeling this bad. While I sit there looking at form letter rejection slips from wormy little backwater presses that won’t even give me the time of day. I look back and see years, and years, and years, hundreds of these humiliations, followed by yet one more masochistic attempt, the faithful dog too idiotic to know when to give up.

 

So why do we live? We’re set in motion, and it’s assumed from then on that we WANT to live. Why? Aren’t we sort of stuck with it?
 

 

I guess I live for the wrong reasons. I live for other people, which is also known as “codependency”. It’s a no-no and I must stop it and only live for myself, a self so tattered and shredded with disappointment that I am sure it won’t hold together as the sole reason for staying around.

 

The other thing that sneaks into my mind is this: you know it’s going to happen. I’ve seen six friends die in the past few years, from illness, accident, suicide. Some were younger than me. I have no idea what happened to them, where they went, what happened to their essence. I guess they just stopped. I guess WE just stop, and then there’s nothing. Ever. Or just a few atoms of memory in the minds of others that, too, will eventually stop.

 

So why scramble so hard to keep all this going? It’s assumed that life is an unalloyed good. It’s assumed that happiness is everyone’s natural state, and if you’re unhappy you have a “disorder” and have to take medication for it. What is "assumed" is generally a crock of shit, which is one of the themes I keep returning to in this blog.
 

 

Personally, I have always walked through life feeling like an accident. Due to the helpful information conveyed by my much-older siblings, I know I wasn’t planned, and am pretty sure my mother wanted an abortion. My father talked her out of it by saying, “You wait and see, he’ll be a genius, smarter than all the others added together.”  I’ve felt like a sharecropper here on earth, in this reality, which is why I try so fervently to transcend it with music, with writing, any way I can.



And yet, the Great God Accomplishment still looks down on me, shakes his hoary head and says with a tender smile, "No."

 

Our lives are supposed to be a priceless gift from God and all that, even if we feel like shit a lot of the time. Pain is the norm for an awful lot of people, and endurance their only choice. Even though I’m not supposed to because it makes me codependent, I DO live for other people. I live because I have this idea – I need to think it’s true – that if I died, a few people would feel it. Not many; perilously few. But those few matter immensely to me, and I don’t want to inflict pain on them. I have done enough of that already.

 

 

The Bloodletting: or, Day of the Vampire

This is still so traumatic that I haven't even been able to write about it in my private journal. I sit here this morning after a lousy night, waking repeatedly and full of anxiety, trying to get through my giant mug of coffee and make sense of it all.

I'm not sure yet if I was the victim of medical mauling, or my own aging physiology. Though the pictures here are trying to help me play this for laughs, it wasn't too goddamn funny.

For medical reasons I won't go into, I need to give blood samples at intervals for analyses of cholesterol, glycogen, that kidney stuff I can't remember - all that shit - so there's no way around this visit to the clinic and the dreaded arm-stick.



Does it make sense to you to say I've never enjoyed this? Eons ago when I was pregnant, we first ran into my little problem: the technician (I think it was a nurse back then, before every medical procedure was farmed out to a different specialist)could not always score a direct hit on a vein. This involved (if they were shitty at it, which most of them were) repeated poking, twisting, trying the other arm, and a growing irritability towards ME for holding things up with my difficult veins.

Back then, if it didn't go well, I'd really hold things up by fainting. By now I've got past all that, but in recent years, after a stretch of relative normalcy (i.e. only five or six tries, leaving a black and blue mark 2 or 3 inches in diameter), things got much worse.

At first it was intermittent: some days the technician (usually one of the more competent ones who show up randomly on good days) seemed to get it bang-on and it would all be over relatively quickly. Sometimes it took forever because the needle was not all the way in or in at an angle, and the slow, painful dripping would go on and on. I needed to fill four or five of those little bottle-y things for some reason, and I wouldn't watch, though the technician acted surprised that I didn't want to eyeball the whole procedure (complete with a needle lifting up the skin in a point as it cranked around and around and around in a futile search for a viable vein). I had learned to cope, and as usual my coping methods were suspect and probably wrong.

There were some highlights, or lowlights to this process. Once a hysterical-looking technician had an anxiety fit and asked me, almost wild-eyed, if I was always like this and what was the matter with me. She had insisted on applying the tourniquet very loosely on top of a thick sweater to avoid bruising, though none of the others ever did this. She seemed to be sweating with dread. It took her a long time, but at least she didn't call in a second technician, something that seemed to be happening with alarming frequency.

To call in a backup is a disgrace because it makes them look incompetent, wastes a lot of time (there are other customers waiting, after all, customers with normal-sized veins),and make no mistake, *I* am the cause of this holdup and making everyone look bad. I'm making it look as if they don't know their stuff!

The fact that every so often someone would show up, touch my arm with a fingertip, aim, shoot, and hit it bang-on with no trouble, drawing the sample in 2 minutes, did make me wonder about competence and dealing with non-standard veins. But in reality, my veins were treated like an aberration, something they had never seen before, as if I had walked in with two heads.

The explanation, if I got one at all, was that my veins were small, deeply set in my arm, and moved around a lot (probably because they were small and deeply set in my arm). Trying to inflate them with a super-tight tourniquet seemed like a good idea to me, but they wouldn't do it because their training told them they weren't supposed to.

The over-the-sweater-sleeve tourniquet technique may be OK for a normie, but for me it's a disaster. But I can't tell them to make it tighter, can I? I will get that "whaaaaaat?" look. And why don't they do that little two-fingered tap-tap on the spot any more? Will it be too traumatic and painful? Will it cause. . .  bruising? But it can't cause the kind of lead-pipe black-and-blue mark I come away with after a typical bloodletting ordeal.

Can I even pick a "worst"? At least up until yesterday's debacle, that would be the young trainee who poked and prodded in the usual way, skidded over my arm which finally began to bleed furiously (though not into the tube), giggled, yanked it out, halfway capped the tube and began shaking it violently. Blood flew through the air and splashed all over the front of my blouse, ruining it. She giggled some more. "Gee! That's never happened to me before!"

Translation: there must be something wrong with YOU. You are a freak. A nineteen-foot-tall Atomic Woman stalking Port Coquitlam.



When I try to tell this story to anyone with a medical background, they say something like, "Oh, that didn't happen. The cap can't come off like that. You couldn't be sprayed with blood." It's great to be listened to, isn't it? How I wish now that I had immediately complained to the front desk, ripping open my jacket to expose the gobs of gore.

So on it went, every three months forever. The bad episodes were intermittent, and I found tricks that I thought worked, kneading and slapping the crook of my arm, swinging my arm as I walked over to the clinic, pumping gallons of water like someone said I wasn't doing. 

Whistling in the dark. Putting out a forest fire by peeing on it. Peeling a turnip with a stone.

So yesterday it gets bad. WAY bad. I arrived on time, sat dutifully in the waiting room and was able to go in almost right away. I said a little prayer, not so much for my inaccessible veins as for the idiots who couldn't find one and turn on the tap.

This was it, the day it got more than bad. WAY more.

The technician walked in. She was one of the more senior ones and seemed to know what she was doing. But on her first poke, her face fell in that dreaded, all-too-familiar, this-is-going-to-take-up-way-too-much-time way.

"Is the other side any better?" She had done me maybe fourteen times already, but acted as if she had no idea who I was and addressed me as a complete stranger.

"No."

"Let's try it, then."

No dice, just nothing. That little gleaming device was like a drill-bit, twisting around and poking and jabbing. I tried not to wince, but it hurt like hell and I knew it wasn't supposed to.

"Sorry, am I hurting you?"

"Oh, no."

Then came the dreaded "calling in another technician" manoevre.

A younger woman with long dark hair and glasses, very poised, very serious, almost doctor-like in her sense of entitlement, swept in. A resident fulfilling a training requirement, maybe. (She was even holding a clipboard.) There was something Special about her. She was the one they called in for Special Cases, when someone became hysterical, fainted or attacked someone in frustration after being fruitlessly drilled for half an hour.

"Let's see what we have here," she said, crisply and calmly, not making eye contact.





She shook her attractive medical head and began to poke into me again.

"Oh, sorry, no, we can't. . . " Weirdly, the first technician hung around. That had never happened before.

At one point I noticed her pressing on my opposite wrist, which already had a huge, godawful plastic clamp on it that left a red welt.

After ten or fifteen pointless minutes, during which I gabbled on and on in explanation, irritating them as I always do when I try to explain anything I clearly don't understand (though not explaining would be even worse because I was being unco-operative and sullen), they gave up on the traditional method. The two of them were beginning to turn away and whisper to each other. I was alarmed. I heard words like "butterfly" and "back of the hand".

They used the butterfly. I've had the butterfly before, and it's no big deal, just another method of jabbing your flesh to suck up your blood, but the butterfly didn't work this time.

At all.

Not a drop.

Now they were really nonplussed. (Yes, that is correct, so don't correct me! Look it up.) They kept looking at my right hand and pressing down and pumping it. Anything there? You would have thought so: I'm old enough now to have those blue veins you see on little old ladies.

"Will this hurt?" I shouldn't have asked: I'd had the back-of-the-hand treatment before, and I knew it hurt.

"Yes, it hurts most people, but we'll try to be quick."

Quick, like. . . ten more minutes?

I stayed calm, but at a cost. I prayed they would get something, even a little bit. Suddenly I remembered a dreaded word as they stepped away to whisper and natter at each other yet again. 

Cutdown.



I knew that if they couldn't get blood any other way, they just used a scalpel and cut you open. Presumably they tied off the vein after the Niagara Falls of blood gushed across the room.

"Oh, no, that's only in the hospital." The two of them, alarmed, looked at each other uneasily. She was having delusions, wasn't she?

Meanwhile, the hand thing wasn't working at all. I had my eyes closed and willed myself to relax, but the first technician took it as dread and panic and asked me - no, I am not kidding about this, "Would you like me to hold your hand?"

"Oh, wait. I think I see something."

A drop!

"Uh, yes, but. . ."

"It's very, very slow."

Drip.(25 seconds)

Drip. (25 seconds)

Drip. (25 seconds)

Drip. (25 seconds)

It took almost half an hour to partially fill a vial, and they were not at all sure it was enough. I prayed they would put the cap on before they shook it. There came another round of flustered, whispered consultation.

I was a freak, a weirdo, something they had never seen in their lives before.

THEY WERE TRYING TO GET BLOOD FROM A TURNIP.

Then came the reasons why, all having to do with me. "You're dehydrated, dear. You'll have to start drinking water."

I didn't know how to tell her that I always pound back water before a test: it helps my creatinine levels. (THAT'S the shit from my kidneys.)

"Maybe you're a little bit anemic." My hemoglobin was always routinely tested, and it was normal. Had never been abnormal. But they treated me as if they could see through me.

"You do look a little blue," the entitled one said.

I can't imagine why.

No one apologized, but there was a funny feeling *I* should have, for taking up 40 minutes for what should have been a 3-minute procedure. At least there was no indelible gore-splatter down the front of my blouse.

I decided then and there to change clinics, but what good would it do? If I started fresh and just told them nothing, might they just score first try? Bingo?

Of course I had to look all this up on the internet, and two seconds later I hit pay dirt. It was a forum about donating blood, and one woman recounted in frustration being turned away because she had "bad veins".

"My veins are small and deep and they slip around and they can't seem to get into them at all. The butterfly doesn't work, the back of the hand doesn't work. Nothing works."

Another post: "Why are my veins so hard to access? The technicians are getting really annoyed with me. The veins are small and deep and they slip around and they can't seem to. . . "

Fifty thousand entries later, all of them virtually identical, a picture was emerging.

SURPRISE. Some people's veins are not very accessible because they are . . . you get the picture. But at the clinic, they were anxious, astonished and even irritated to find that they just couldn't get me to act like a stuck pig, no matter what they tried. In fact they behaved as if they had never seen anything like this in thirty years of experience.

I have often had the experience, when trying to explain something to a medical person, that they think I'm  making up stories. At very least, it's hypochondria, being dramatic and inflating my symptoms out of sheer narcissism. Was my body lying to them this time, I wonder? Being narcissistic, or deliberately making a fool of them? Apparently.

Almost worse is something I hear often when I make the mistake of "sharing" my experiences with anyone. The listener's eyes fly open and they say, "Oh, that's never happened to ME!" This is called "empathy" and is more common than you might think.

Though such people always advise you (right after telling you to throw away those pills and take milk thistle) to make medical people do what you want, it's a great way to attract the hostile stare. And whatever you do, do not ever, ever, EVER mention the internet to a doctor, or their eyes will glaze over. "Don't go on the internet," I've been told, how many times? Medicine hates the information age because it penetrates the hallowed brotherhood that began eons ago with the local shaman.

I didn't cry or whimper or faint, though many people routinely cry and whimper and faint even when their blood-draw is quick and painless. But I don't look forward to going through this every three months. Hell, the back-of-the-hand thing is foolproof, it HAS to work!

I can't go back there because, against reason, *I* am embarrassed. I will try another place. But if they come at me with a scalpel, I am out of there.

Post-blog observations. It's been a while since I originally posted this, and yes, I DID find another lab. I didn't say a thing about my "little problem" because I wanted to see what would happen if they didn't know about it.

Magic! The technician, a brisk, no-nonsense lady with a Germanic accent, whisked into my vein and out again in about 30 seconds: no poking, no pain, just a direct stab and a steady flow of blood.

Miracle of miracles! But it HAD to be a fluke. I went back in three months, got a different technician, but exactly the same results.

This was a magic place!

And it went on for, oh, a year and a half at least. Pay dirt every time. Every three months, they always struck oil. And then. . . something happened.

I think it was a trainee or something, and she had some problems with me. She asked me all the usual questions: "Has this happened before? Does this always happen?" After all the usual drilling and twisting and pain, some blood came out. Slowly.

Then when I was having my colonoscopy, they immediately gave up on finding an arm-vein and stuck it in the back of my hand. Same with my CT scan. Something was afoot.

Yesterday, it collapsed. The whole structure of hope and freedom from the sickening, accusing questions came crashing down on me. They couldn't get blood. "Does this. . . you know. . . has this. . ." The consternation, the projected shame at feeling incompetent which was somehow meant to be absorbed by the patient.

I have no idea what I'm doing: sucking my veins in, then letting them out again? I always drink water, etc., blather blather blather, and stand upside down and shake myself like a ketchup bottle for an hour before the drilling. No dice. Nevertheless, they always mention something I "should" be doing, some vital preparation no one told me about before, to avoid holding up the whole enterprise.

Last night I got a call from the lab. That's right. From the lab. There was something wrong with the sample they had finally, laboriously drawn. It had clots in it, making me think it had come out too slowly or had been contaminated in some way. So on a Saturday morning, because they close at noon, I have to go back in and go through the whole ordeal again.

And be asked, in puzzled half-contemptuous amazement, "Has this ever happened to you before?"

 

Dear Sir or Madam, will you read my book

    It took me years to write, will you take a look

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