Saturday, February 1, 2014

If you knew Suzy, you might be sick

I just didn't know where to begin. All of these clips have something to offer. Nausea, mostly. None of them combine ALL the awfulness, the boredom, the missed high notes, the flat voices and fluffed lyrics. So I just had to pick one.

This one's as good as any, but do try some of the others. I just keep finding new ones. I wonder who KEPT these things?

That's it, I'm changing the name of this blog

That's it, I've had it. I've had it with trying to be profound, or even to publicize my upcoming novel (it's called The Glass Character, folks, and it'll be out in April!). From now on, this will be an ALL Stairway to Stardom blog. I don't know where this treasure has been hiding all these years (most of the couple dozen or so videos were uploaded in 2010). I don't know why none of them have gone viral like Mr. Trololo. Maybe Jimmy Kimmel needs to give them a boost. How about having some of the alumni on the show? What a great idea! It'll never happen unless someone scoops me, because my great ideas always fail. Sorry, they just do, and there is not a thing I can do about it.

Every singer on this show sings horribly flat. They never go sharp and are never on pitch. Even a quasi-opera-singer who did O Solo Mio, lipsynching to a recording of himself, sang the last note horrendously flat, just jaw-droppingly awful.

It really begins to look like a satire, like something from SCTV (which was in its heyday at the time), but the earnestness of the performers tells us that, incredibly, this is on the level. The sleazebag host and his brain-dead wife add a nice touch of tackiness, along with the dead plants and rickety wood-thingammies (what ARE they, anyway?) used as backdrops. The best part of all are the camera effects, the squiggles and bad-acid-trip flashes. It distracts a little bit from the awfulness of the performances.

Singers dominate, but there are also awful standup comics and a magician who fumbles around while sitting at a table. The host comes on and says, "Hey, I bet I can do a better trick than that," and he's right. A puppet show reveals most of the arm and head of the puppeteer. One poor kid is told, "Well, it's not that I'm telling  you to pursue anuddah area. . . ", with his wife chiming in, "I could tell you were nervous. Were you a little nervous?" Yet this kid wasn't any worse than the rest of them. Why they picked on him, we'll never know.

These people all have nasal "Brahhnx" accents, and many are Jewish. It's definitely a regional/religious thing. But these acts would not even go over at Bernie's bar mitzvah. There are obviously no auditions, anyone can come on the show and do anything they want so long as it isn't obscene (though some of the dancers are borderline). There are no rehearsals either, or a loud GONGGGG sound would issue out of the heavens. Needless to say, there are no prizes either, because they're "all winners".

Look them up sometime, it's surreal, and after a while you will stop laughing as you listen to the sound of broken dreams.