Monday, March 31, 2014

What a douche!

This is the latest in a long, incredible line of ads aimed at women, presumably post-War. This absolutely baffled me at first (actually, it still does). It seems to be hinting, nay, stating that married women have a certain delicate little problem, one so offputting it can "ruin" a happy marriage.

Not to put too fine a point on it, their cunts stink.

We don't know why (except that we do!), as these are women who look to be clean and tidy, women who change their underwear daily and take baths. (And wash their hair in the sink and roll it up in a towel like a turban. Oh, I remember.)

I can only decipher this mystery as such: women smell so horrible and rank and offensive because they have had sex with their husbands. So it's HIS excrescenses that stink so much, except SHE gets the blame for it, and for breaking up the marriage.

So what's the solution (so to speak)? Why, Lysol Brand Disinfectant! You don't use it straight (or at least I don't think so), but add about a teaspoon to your "regular" douche, the douche you have every day because women's private parts are inherently smelly and foul.

I can only imagine how she'd smell THEN. Like a freshly-scrubbed kitchen floor, maybe, or a toilet that had just been swabbed out. A real turn-on, and obviously preferable to smelling like your husband's rotten festering day-old spooge.

Personally, I thought Lysol was for drinking when you're really desperate, or when the liquor store clerk throws you out for loitering. It goes well anywhere, most especially under a bridge, and with anything, namely Sterno. But for cunt hygiene, well, it's not the first thing I would have thought of.

But there is one thing I know, honorable readers (and forgive me for using the word cunt, it's the only one I could think of besides twat) - it's that stupid-ass HUSBAND who is the real douche, and for that, he deserves a Lysol enema so potent it will spurt out of his ears.

Love-quiz. . . For Married Folks Only

(This is a word-for-blotchy-word transcript of one of the many Lysol "Love Quiz" ads "for married folk only". The coy reference to "Lysol. . . every time" could only mean one thing.)


A. Yes. . . had the wife taken heed of her husband's increasing coolness, known the secret of thorough feminine hygiene, kept herself lovely to love.

Q. What does feminine hygiene have to do with keeping married happiness?

A. Far more than some women realize. . . but the WISE wife has the assurance of complete daintiness when she uses "Lysol" brand disinfectant REGULARLY in the douche.

"Check these facts with your doctor. . . "

Q. Many women use a douche only now and then. Is regularity in douching so important?

A. Yes, indeed. . . it should be a routine procedure with every married woman, and always with "Lysol". Because it has marvelous deodorant properties due to its PROVEN ability to kill germs instantly on contact.

Q. How about homemade solutions, such as salt and water?

A. They are old-fashioned and ineffectual, not to be compared with "Lysol"'s scientific formula. "Lysol" has tested efficiency in contact with organic matter. It is both effective and safe for delicate tissues when used as directed. 

ALWAYS USE "LYSOL" in the douche for its efficiency in combating both germs and odours. It will help you feel you have perfect grooming (for) romance.

Check these facts with your doctor (unintelligible)


For Feminine Hygiene use "Lysol" Every time


(the rest unintelligible, but contains the word "Lysol" at least three times. The product name appears about ten times in the copy. So we won't forget.)

OK then, so this is a repeat of something I did awhile ago, but the same truths apply. Bizarre and obnoxious as advertising is now, it was infinitely worse then.

I'm sorry, it's late, but I had to show you this. I hope you can read the text. I had to look at it twice, or more likely about 600 times to believe what I was seeing.

Women were conned into believing they were so stinky and drippy, the only solution was to douche every day with LYSOL. What did they have, bugs up their vagina? Were their twats so desperately in need of disinfection?

The add doesn't say this, in fact nobody ever says it, but MEN are the main reason women get stinky in the first place. You try getting ejaculated into, and not smell like an elderly salmon.

This ad is more horrific than the one about "more doctors recommend Camels". But if it doesn't work as a douche, I guess you could always drink it.

(Discovery! This ad wasn't a fluke: now I find a slew of them. A whole sociological treatise! If a woman smells like a woman, her marriage is over. If she smells like Lysol, however. . . va-va-VOOM!)


  1. I don't remember seeing these ads. Or, if I did, I didn't have a clue what they were about. Probly a good thing, or I might have grown up even more warped.

  2. The subtext of the ads, never stated outright, was that it was a form of birth control, nuking sperm with industrial chemicals. It didn't work any better than douching with Coca Cola. I found a hilarious ad by Listerene badmouthing Lysol for recommending a douche with "harsh" ingredients, and claiming that if a woman douched with Listerene it would be less harsh on those delicate tissues. Gargling with the other end! The word "daintiness" appears in every one of these, a word you just don't hear any more. Prudish, really.

  3. I didn't get the birth control nuance. But I suppose the converse would be true if she stunk too bad for sex, something btw I never found to be a deterrent.

  4. Let me quote an authority on the subject, the venerable Tom Robbins, in my fave novel of his, Jitterbug Perfume: "If ever a twat were a cornucopia, spilling forth meat puddings, hot wines, and sweets of every description: unending (shellfish) inexhaustible (peaches) infinite (mushrooms) feta feta feta forever, surely it was hers".

  5. Heard a couple of fine stories about him from when he worked as a copy editor at the late Richmond News-Leader. Here's one: He allegedly loved to tweak the bigot publisher publicly by putting photos of Jews and/or Blacks in the syndicated Earl Wilson column each afternoon. On the day before he "called in well", never to return, he ran a photo of Sammy Davis Jr., giving him a double whammy tweak in one image.

    On a previous occasion he was seen escaping down the freight elevator at the same time the enraged husband of a woman Robbins had been "seeing" (perhaps the cornucopia muse) was rising in the people elevator. Robbins, of course, made good his getaway.

  6. I met him briefly, very briefly, about 25 years ago (!) at some book festival or other. He signed all my copies with a black magic marker (I'll send you a scan of it). I remember he was wearing a Donald Duck shirt. Not sure what he read from, but he described a moth as "a clitoris with wings". This is the anti-Lysol campaign, for sure.