Friday, August 17, 2012

Pink genitals on parade


moose knuckle (usually uncountable; plural moose knuckles)
  1. The ball joint of the humerus in a moose's skeleton.
  2. (slang) The noticeable shape of a man's penis when he is wearing tight clothes.
    • 2005, Benjamin Tripp, Square in the Nuts, ISBN 1411628225, page 92:
      [] the VIP of the GOP, George W. Bush in full military flight suit, with his ejector harness giving him the worst moose knuckle in presidential history.
  3. (slang) The shape that is noticeable when tight-fitting clothing wedges between a woman's labia.
    • 2008, Jess Lourey, August Moon, ISBN 0738713252, page 8:
      I was grateful for the distraction, as I had been trying to look anywhere but at the giant moose knuckle spray-painted between her thighs []
    • 2009, Chuck Palahniuk, Snuff, ISBN 0385664699, page 68:
      At her crotch, the black spandex stretches to cover a small bulge. Bigger than camel toe. Swelling bigger than moose knuckle. Way bigger than a clit []


The things you learn. I had to share this with you, even though I'm so tired I'm falling out of my chair and should have gone to bed an hour ago. This Edsel thing got me going on the design of the grill which looked like "a vulva" to some people. I shouldn't have clicked on that word in Wiki cuzzit led me here, to this bizarre term which I kind of like because it's equal-opportunity offensive.

Still, there's something almost romantic about the camel toe/moose knuckle pairing. And it's anatomically a lot more accurate. Don't wear those bulk pantyhose fromTarget.

OH, and I just found this - it's on the level, I think -

SmoothGroove is the safe and effective way to alleviate the crudely termed Camel toe.
The SmoothGroove camel toe solution –

  • Is made from a medical grade polymer which moulds itself to the contours of the body, so it is extremely comfortable
  • Contains an antibacterial agent, so it is safe
  • Is washable
  • Comes with a satin pouch to store it discreetly in your wardrobe
  • Is available in White, Black and Clear

If you can't decide which colour you like or want to treat someone to their own SmoothGroove, why not buy more than one and get a discount!

It's VULVA, not "Volvo"!

In finding an illustration for today's strange topic, I had to pick from a bunch of different Edsel ads. One was much more esthetically pleasing than this one and showed the car sweeping through a pair of opening gates, with harp glissandos and announcers saying if you had an Edsel, you were showing the world "you've arrived!" The only reason I didn't use it is that it was transferred from film stock that had gone bad, all pink and bleary like a particularly nasty eye infection.

Lots of these things have arrived in auto graveyards, but some people are refurbishing them and putting them in car shows. The fact that it is quite possibly the most hideous automobile ever made does not deter them. In fact it seems to lend them a certain exotic charm.

Having a 1958 Edsel in perfect condition is kind of like having a set of Nazi medals that look "like new". Like, who'd want to?

People have posed various theories about the Edsel, why the intensive and supposedly foolproof ad campaign fell so flat. Was the timing wrong for a new luxury car? Was it too pricey for the typical-average-American-family-of-the-'50s-who-wanted-a-new-car-every-2-years-but-couldn't-always-afford-it-because-Mom-spent-too-much-on-her-effing-manicures? Did it, like the infamous Jaguar, refuse to start?

No, it was just butt-ugly and that's all there is to say about it. Looking at it now sets my teeth on edge: it has a face on it like a robot from Hell.

It looks hostile. It looks aggressive. It looks like some good ol' boy fired up on corn squeezin's and toting a slingshot and a bag o'rocks.


The more I watched this video, which I picked for the elegant chrome-laden, turquoise-and-white decor that sums up the '50s, the more I realized it wasn't an Edsel ad at all, but some guy driving his vintage Edsel with some other guy filming it. The other guy's rear-view mirror just kept showing and the cars in the other lanes were too recent. But I don't want to change it cuz the other ads all run about 8 1/2 minutes and feature Bing Crosby, and I couldn't stand that, I'd have a seizure on the spot. It's bad enough even thinking about these automotive nightmares.

This is the kind-of-a-thing that caused Stephen King to write that, you know, that BOOK, and inspired nightmarish TV shows like My Mother the Car.

The name Edsel has come to be synonymous with failure on a great and embarrassing level. But there's so much ugly on it, let's call it Synonymous with Shit-awful, old, chromy, boxy, monster-faced Car-Ideas that whoever thought of it should have shoved so far down their throat it would come out the other side. Or something like that.

Coda. I hate research more than I hate worms, but I had to include this tasty snippet from Wiki:

The Edsel is best remembered for its trademark "horsecollar" or toilet seat grille, which was quite distinct from other cars of the period. According to a popular joke at the time, the Edsel "resembled an Oldsmobile sucking a lemon".[11] Some have speculated that the car failed to sell because its grille resembled a vulva.[12]

The Edsel's front-end ensemble as it eventually appeared bore little resemblance, if any, to the original concept. Roy Brown, the original chief designer on the Edsel project, had envisioned a slender, almost delicate opening in the center. Engineers, fearing engine cooling problems, vetoed the intended design, which led to the now-infamous "horsecollar."

(Hey! That's vulva to you, mister!)