Sunday, May 27, 2012

Why my experiment failed

Oh OK, I've been having you on and I don't care. Not at all. I get pissed off sometimes, cuzzadafact that lots of my best posts get very few views. A few get in the hundreds, and my top post of all time got something like 18,000, and I still don't know why. So to try to drag people in, I inserted the name Fifty Shades of Grey into my labels/tags, and/or the title itself, to see if anyone is lame enough to bite.

And it's Sunday and I feel tired and fat and a bit off. Maybe more than a bit. But there's something I'd like to Share With You Today: some bizarrely wonderful patterns from old Patons and Baldwins/Beehive knitting books.

I don't know what rung of the modelling ladder these two stood upon (probably in kitten heels). The knee socks look like they would actually stay up, and the sweater looks preternaturally (is that the right word?) perfect, not hand-knitted at all. My own hand-knitted stuff is full of holes I have to fix, knots that poke through, and what I like to call "fuzzbugs".

No fuzzbugs here.

Someone, somewhere, at some point, must have knitted a set of golf club cozies and/or a dickie worthy of Howard Wolowitz on The Big Bang Theory. Not much call for dickies nowadays, but that patchwork beanie sure looks primo to me.

I like to make stuffies for the kids, but Jesus Christ, they sure don't look like this! To me, this crocheted Scottie looks almost Satanic. It appears to stand with one foot in a bowl labelled DOG, while the other foot has a pea-sized ball glued to it.  For years and years I refused to go near the concept of knitting stuffies because of this pattern, which haunted my dreams.

Headwear for the Whole Family. Including balaclavas and Quaker helmets (kind of a contradiction in terms, isn't it?)  Some of these were post-war and had a vaguely military connotation.

I'm getting sick of these already, cuz who-in-their-right-mind would knit them even if they could find Paton's fingering in heather-green-whatsis? Fingering also gives me a queer feeling, as in the following:

We won't speculate on these guys and their sexual orientation, but is this any better?

No doubt a graduate of the Maila Nurmi School of Deportment.