Saturday, January 27, 2018
Sometimes all you wanna do is post a cat video. Everything else seems futile. I have given up. I suppose I am happier now that I have given up. This flies in the face of everything I have ever been taught. Be an activist! BE the change you want to see in the world. But my attempts to do this brought me nothing but misery, futility, and screaming abuse from those who did not agree with me, who were always vastly in the majority.
Bentley knows how to do it, to be the way the world ought to be, right now, and always has. As for me, as for me - I am getting older now, and I am tired of falling on my sword. Very, very rarely do I reach more than a handful of people, and this is true of my entire writing life. Looking back, it's beyond disheartening, and can even be downright depressing.
Haven't I worked harder than just about anybody I know? Yes. I poured my entire being into my work for decades. I gave it all my hope. Was I a "success" in CanLit terms? Not even remotely. I let down three different publishers, with three different books that nobody read.
But just look at what CanLit has become. Perhaps I was protected all the time by some invisible angel.
So I have learned not to get too upset about anything, because who's going to notice it anyway? There's enough noise in the world. Too many voices, too much yelling. The world wants to go in a certain direction, perhaps moving towards some kind of clarity, and I can see that. But right now it isn't happening, and increasing awareness only leads to increasing alarm.
I do care increasingly about the world my grandkids will live in, and I honestly do not know what is going to happen there. But for that reason, I refuse to doomsay, no matter how lousy I feel. I try not to think the worst. I birdwatch. I walk. I hold my cat.