Yet another actual FB message, echoing three or four hundred I have read lately, tossed off to casually announce one's wild popularity as a human being, and thus dragging everyone else's mood down as they realize what pariahs they are:
"I've caught up on all my emails. I shall now bask in this small accomplishment for the thirty seconds it will last."
Translation: "OMG, I just have SO many friends! SO many people love me that they SWARM my inbox with messages of worshipful adulation. I just can't keep up with it all, and if I take a breath for 30 seconds, I am simply inundated. Please! Please, all my slavering sycophants. Give me a chance here! Give me a second to breathe! Curb your adulation for a couple of minutes, and I promise to favor you with a one- or two- word response (one word for every 500 of yours). What can I say? You are truly my fans, and you are precious to me. Now KNOCK IT OFF."