Monday, December 7, 2015

A gallery of creepy Santas

It wouldn't be Christmas without creepy Santas. These vintage photos explain once and for all why small children run screaming from Santa, even though their parents try to glue them to his fuzzy old cigarette-smelling lap for a photo op.

This is the Stephen King Santa, the little girl looking uneasy while waiting for her present. It had better be a good one. Modern-day Santas must keep their hands in sight at all times. This one doesn't.

Santa and the Easter Bunny must shop at the same costume store, or buy them at Halloween. Here it's Mother who looks a trifle uneasy, though her daughter hasn't quite caught on to who or what this is supposed to be.

I tried very hard not to repeat Santas from last year. If I did, it means once was just not enough. Santa's electroshock stare is a classic.

My favorites are the Santas who wear their beards funny. This is just wrong: the moustache sits atop the guy's nose, so that there is nothing but a black slit for his eyes. The little boy is just on the verge of screaming his head off.

I always feel a little sorry for these kids. I wonder how their parents reacted to this photo. Did they have to pay for it? This goes back to the days when Santa was some guy the department store just grabbed off the street. For a few bucks, he sat there ho-ho-ho-ing for a couple of weeks. The store felt they were being benevolent, giving him some honest employment over the holidays. Who knows what he thought.

Another screaming shot, with Santa looking a little soused.

OK, this is a repeat, but do you see why? It's the bleakness of the thing. I suppose the donkey has some religious significance, but why is Santa part of a nativity scene?

What are those things up there? Hands? Why?? Santa appears to have passed out, and those other two "things" are trying to revive him. What are they - cats, and why are they on roller skates?

This is just - indescribable.

What is he holding? A doll? Why hold it like that? At least both hands are in plain sight. Most of the children look glum.

Worst Face Santa (or is it?). He looks as if his face has been run over by a Mack truck. Or perhaps it's melting, like the Nazis in Raiders of the Lost Ark. The kid on the right, while not crying, is not happy either. Small children have no idea what is going on, and nobody explains it to them. It's exploitation: sit up there and smile and look cute and have your photo taken, and shut up.

Ho, ho - aaaaaaaahhhh!

I thought all good Santas (like most doctors) smoked Camels. But I guess not. Nobody wants throat-scratch (an encoded term for throat cancer) in their ho-ho-ho.

I don't think you'd see a Santa in this position any more.

I think we have a winner here. From the demented expression, to the little girl trying desperately to get away, it all spells Christmas.

Or something.

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