Saturday, August 2, 2014

Hap, hap, happy - it's the Hapsburgs!




Sometimes you just have a few things left over, you know? And you're not sure what to do with them. Such was the case with my Hapsburg Lip post. Bizarre as the story was, it was about to leap to the next level, the one called "weird or what?" Some of the pictures were a little hard to believe: portraits done by professional artists who were hired to make flattering images, coming up with things that belonged in a freak show. The fact that these people, who all looked alike and had the same deformities, were marrying each other as a matter of course was - well - disturbing.

 Here Charles the 2nd of Spain, also called El Corkscrew for his twister-pitcher genes, gets it on with some wench, probably (judging by the lip) a Hapsburg.




I don't know why, but I found a cartoon character with a vast prognath - prognath - REALLY BIG jaw, and wondered if he might be descended from Hapsburg blood. The problem is, the internet is keeping it hush-hush, as if the incest ramifications are just too creepy and no one will admit to being a descendent. Those Hapsburgs, eh? Still powerful after all these years.




Meantime we keep finding evidence, like this stone guy with a really big, you know.




Then there is Salad Guy, who is also said to be a Hapsburg - or are those radishes? You decide.




This guy was especially useful during planting season.




It's a little-known fact that Charles had a cat, which he named Charles Jr. How the Hapsburg genes ended up in a cat is anybody's guess, until you realize that Charles' half-sister married her uncle, who was also her first cousin. These marriages were called consanguineous, or "cat marriages".




Though crossbreeding was strongly discouraged, it did sometimes happen through sheer boredom. Interspecies romance was carried on covertly, often on a blue blanket.




This is what Charles saw when he looked in the mirror: the ultimate Power Pout. It shattered only seconds after the portrait painter was finished, resulting in his beheading in the public square.


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