Monday, January 7, 2013

Do you like my (orange-u-) tan?

As you know, this blog is all about classic television and its impact on our daily lives as we hurtle towards self-annihilation. This clip summed up much of my belief about the desperate future of our race. Dismayed though I was by the end-times ennui inherent in this little song, I was heartened to note that Dr. Whatsisname's satin smoking jacket exactly matched his bronzed orange face. A fine example of accessorizing. Along with extreme comb-overs and vacuum-driven dick pumps, this brought to mind the 5,926 ads for  testosterone goo and folding canes (not to mention ambulance-chasing scuzzbag lawyers) that I had to sit through while trying to watch Fargo tonight on AMC. AMC must be watched by litigious geriatrics with limp pricks.

BLOGGER'S NOTE. If the above YouTube video doesn't work, try the link in red. But don't expect too much.  For the past couple of weeks I have been completely unable to post images on Blogger. The Browse button has been permanently disabled, forcing us to use all sorts of complicated arabesques as a substitute. Posting takes at least twice as long and is no longer fun, which seems to be the aim of the Blogger support team (a fine group of stoners if ever there was one). For a while I traded horror stories with other users on a message board, then realized it had been closed down. Instead I was greeted with this cheery message:

The immediately previous topic, which linked you to this advice, is closed. You can't help yourself, or other bloggers, by trying to answer there - or here!!!!!!!
If you need help, or if you want to provide help, please return to the topic which linked you to the previous topic. Don't waste time and effort trying to reply to closed topics / FAQs. The immediately previous topic, which linked here, is informational only - and further input there isn't helpful.

The multiple exclamation marks represent shouting, or at least petulance at being bothered by idiots who use Blogger and dare to ask for help. If they want to tell us something, fine - but they should do it respectfully, not with nasty little jabs like this. It's designed to make you slink away, ashamed of yourself for not knowing how to fix this fuckup yourself. Technology is evil.

Elephant Eternity (and other elephant poems)

Elephant Eternity

Elephants walking under juicy-leaf trees

Walking with their children under juicy-leaf trees

Elephants elephants walking like time

Elephants bathing in the foam-floody river

Fountaining their children in the mothery river

 Elephants elephants bathing like happiness

Strong and gentle elephants

Standing on the earth

Strong and gentle elephants

Like peace

Time is walking under elephant trees

 Happiness is bathing in the elephant river

 Strong gentle peace is shining

 All over the elephant earth

Adrian Mitchell



Ghost Elephants
In the elephant field
tall green ghost elephants
with your cargo of summer leaves

at night I heard you breathing at the window

Don't you ever think I'm not crying
since you're away from me
Don't ever think I went free

At first the goodbye had a lilt to it—
maybe just a couple of months—
but it was a beheading.

Ghost elephant,
reach down,
cross me over

Jean Valentine


The Elephant is slow to mate

The elephant, the huge old beast,
     is slow to mate;
he finds a female, they show no haste
     they wait

for the sympathy in their vast shy hearts
     slowly, slowly to rouse
as they loiter along the river-beds
     and drink and browse

and dash in panic through the brake
     of forest with the herd,
and sleep in massive silence, and wake
     together, without a word.

So slowly the great hot elephant hearts
     grow full of desire,
and the great beasts mate in secret at last,
     hiding their fire.

Oldest they are and the wisest of beasts
     so they know at last
how to wait for the loneliest of feasts
     for the full repast.

They do not snatch, they do not tear;
     their massive blood
moves as the moon-tides, near, more near
     till they touch in flood.

D. H. Lawrence


Elephant soccer (just a little bored)

Basically, this is an experiment. This is an experiment to see. This is an experiment to see if. This is an experiment to see if I.

Oh fuck, I'm trying to get my photos back somehow. The good people at Google have decided to disable my Insert Image button, seemingly forever. Or should I say the browse button, so we can't browse any more.  We can add photos through our phone though. Great.

Now they say we are supposed to use a feature named HTML which has caused me no end of frustration and grief by turning my nice photos into blocks of complicated code. When they come back to life as pictures, they are all screwed up. I can't even get them to come apart.

 SO, I have DRAWN these pictures on my blog and they were so real-looking, by yiminy, they CAME TO LIFE,  just like that!

Basically this is an experiment to see if I can live one more day without my blog, or at least the capacity to put together a post in my usual dishonest way.  As it is, it seems to take hours and involves lots of moving the pieces around and copying and pasting, which I hate.

Elephants versus other living things. The huge elephant running away from the little whatever-it-is, fox or something, reminds me of the classic gif of the black bear running away from the cat. The splashy one is a real Marlin Perkins special, a crocodile or alligator (or crocigator or allodile) splooshing up out of the water making them all go ouch.

I refused to post a really mean gif of a mother elephant kicking her baby so hard, it flew farther than any soccer ball in the field. I am not sure why this happened, but I suspect it wasn't the mother elephant. The baby was far too young to be weaned. Probably some rogue male who was just in a bad mood because his Insert Images button was disabled and he couldn't browse any more.