Tuesday, November 20, 2012

I hate clowns

I hate clowns, I hate clowns,  I truly hate clowns,
They always depress me and drag my soul down.
When somebody puts on such strange things to wear,
The human condition is truly laid bare.
I ask, what's the point of all this tom-foolery?
It triggers in me a deep incredulity.
Now here is a clown who caused me great dread.
In childhood this creep rented space in my head.
His name was Milky, which was awfully scary,
Just clowning and whoring for Twin Pines, the dairy.
Before John Wayne Gacy came ambling along,
There was this guy here. And he was just wrong.
He wore stars and stripes for some unknown reason,
Though flag mutilation's a high form of treason.
Back when I lived near old Detroit town,
I saw a strange act performed by a clown.
When he mounted his friend, to my child's mind, 
of course he
Was riding on Bozo, just playing at horsey.
When I saw this old photo of black-and-white clowns,
I climbed on a bridge and just threw myself down.
There's Milky and Bozo, the two that were lovers,
Jingles, and Whatsis - who cares, they're all mothers.
This clown guy I mentioned, and those of his ilk
Did a lot of hard-selling by sucking down milk.
In Milky the dairy thought they would invest - right?
Then found out that he was a flaming transvestite.

Twin Pines weren't aware that they'd started a fashion.
Soon clowns 'round the world drank their milk with a passion.
And poor Pagliaccio was filled with a rage,
So he drank milk, then  killed his poor wife right on-stage.

With hijinks like this, some dark force was released.
The ringmasters shot themselves: all were deceased.
Clowns threw nasty fits, banged their heads on the wall:
These Komedy Kapers weren't funny at all.
If this gets much weirder, I'm going to be sick.
I've never laughed once when a clown did his trick.
I can't speak for you, but I think this is rude -
I never knew clowns were this nasty and lewd.
Milky is dust now, and Bozo is dead.
Their romance still haunts me and lurks in my head.
I hate clowns, I hate them, I'll never be free,
They never will get one guffaw out of me.


  1. I never liked them either. I wonder if the reason so many adults hate mimes is they remind us of clowns. And why did we, do we hate clowns? Dunno. Something creepy about them. The only one I liked was Emmett Kelly, who looked sad instead of fake happy.

  2. It's a bit creepy to have your facial expression painted on to your face so that it never varies. Almost like a mask, which is definitely creepy. I hated Red Skelton and his precious characters. He was obnoxious. I can't think of any clowns I liked.

  3. Clarabell on Howdwy Doody was benign, but annoying.

  4. Did you see the last episode, where he finally spoke and said, "So long, kids"? Since when is someone named Clarabell a MAN anyway? Sounded like a man to me, but then, I might have imagined it. I do remember when Buffalo Bob said, "Boys and girls, I have some sad news. The Howdy Doody Show is going off the air." I remember Terry Stention saying, "Awwwwwwww. Hey, that was really a good show." The things you remember.

  5. The first example of gender confusion presented to our impressionable generation. No wonder the world is in such a mess. I didn't see the last show. Probly just as well. I'd still be in therapy.

  6. I AM still in therapy, if seeing a shrink for half an hour every three months qualifies as therapy. Maybe it's just a friendly little visit.

  7. So am I, to get my Ritalin Rx renewed. I tell him I'm happy as shit. He has no clue my marriage is in shambles or that I'm on the verge of bankruptcy or that I'm concerned the dead slaves buried in our woods climb out every night, turn into vultures and circle our house continuously until the crack of dawn, wherein they return to their sodden slumber until the owls summon them yet again. He'd put me on something else, and Ritalin is allll I need thankyouverymuch.

  8. Is Ritalin any good? I can't get any stone at all out of my stuff. Disappointing. No use taking any extra, I just get all thick and drowsy and have a hangover the next day. I do sometimes crave a nice little buzz, which is maybe why I eat so much. But I know that if I even started with alcohol, I would quickly drown. BTW, today I have 22 years of sobriety.

  9. C O N G R A T U L A T I O N S ! ! ! ! :-D

    No buzz on Ritalin. It kickstarts my mornings. I take one sustain-release tablet about an hour before I get up -- 4:30 weekedays and an hour later weekends). When the amphetamine kicks in my head suddenly clears, like a finger snaps, and the cerebrum's humming. I take a half-hour nap mid-day and that keeps me going until bedtime, usually around 9:30.

    I'm proud of your sobriety! Fuck buzzes, you know? I've been only vaguely tempted to try the psilocybin mushrooms that grow around the chicken coop, or dig up some jimson weed root for a little hallucinogenic tripping. Afraid it would only mess up the mental furniture that shapes my writing. I have a beer sometimes at night, but that's it. I really don't miss those crazy hazy days of yore, anymore.

  10. Some people grind up their Ritalin and snort it. Tried it with lithium, didn't work, ended up sprinklng it on my fries.