What a bunch of turkeys

A serious George Gershwin problem

http://www.slideshare.net/Astairical/a-guide-to-george-gershwin

Believe me when I say, I did not create this fascinating powerpoint/slideshow presentation (transcribed awkwardly here, as I didn't want to just post a link, I hate that!). I just stumbled on it when looking for more morbid stuff about GG's brain tumor. God, there is a lot of morbid stuff about George's brain tumor, including an incredible amount written about it in actual medical journals. More about that later (can't wait, eh?). But I also found this. I didn't really find a name to attach to it however, except a username for Tumblr, astairical (great name!) "who has a George Gershwin PROBLEM".  I didn't even know such creative slide shows existed, but now I do. And since I, too, am developing a serious George Gershwin PROBLEM, I could not help but become seriously involved.

The presentation/piece/display/paean/jeremiad/threnody/rhapsody is written in the tone of wild admiration I would normally save for Harold Lloyd, but hey. It becomes apparent that poor dead George still wields quite an influence. It's done in a kind of verbal jazz style that I liked more and more as I read it, and the photos are pretty dreamy too. GG photographed well, maybe looked a little too smooth or Godlike to seem real. But whoever this is, and it must be a female, "got" George at least as well as some of his biographers. She gets all the highlights of his life right, anyway, and captures that great heady surf, the ozone in the room exploding, that people remember about him. Such fascinating rhythm George got: Are you out there, musical man?

And astairical: have you heard the Cuban Overture? How'd you like to rumba with George? It's the next best thing. Give it a click.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5ZPZXFEW82k

Transcript

1. a guide to George Gershwin did u mean: SEXY TALENTED STUPIDHEAD like look at that face who even gave you the right to be so handsome just stop right there okay i do not want 2 deal w/ it HELLA fine by: tumblr user astairical, who has a George Gershwin PROBLEM

2. he was born in Brooklyn and was the second of four children. his older brother ira is kinda important but omg his sis frances was also rlly hot like how??? the hot gene runs in the family apparently LOOK AT BBY GEORGE HE’S SO HOT OMFG coMIN FOR THA BOOOOOOTYY he was a WILD CHILd LIKE he would skip school and get into fights on the street and poor ira had to explain to the teachers and to his parents lmao lbr he was well on his way 2 becomin the next mob boss of new york like bang bang motherfuckers but then by chance he heard a classmate playin music and he was like “MUSIC!! YASSSSS I HAVE FOUND MY TRU CALLING” (well not really but u get the idea) he was an amazingly talented pianist (go listen 2 his piano rolls) and also a musical genius like hell yea he brought jazz into the concert halls also did I mention he was the hottest thing since Hot Pockets??? yeah man just look @ that facE decided school was a waste of time so he dropped out at 15 lmao

3. wrote some crazy-ass sheet music!!! wtf even is this supposed 2 be like George us mere mortals don’t understand it “lmaooo are u havin trouble playing my music? all y’all are basic bitches.” he became rlly rich and rlly popular bc ppl loved his music even tho no one could actually PLAY IT bc it was harder than climbing the himalayas  literally his idea of sheet music lmfao he wants ppl to play legato and then he writes an essay on not using the sustaining pedal wtf

4. the biggest dork in the history of ever in other words he would bring ice cream and then eat it all by himself omFG this man once during rehearsals for his opera the lady kept singing off-pitch and kept correcting her but he finally got so tired of it he left the theatre LMFAO went 2 paris and composed “an american in paris” and brought back actual FRENCH TAXI HORNS TO USE AT THE PREMIERE OH MY g O D but he looked super hot while doin it so like YEAH MAN tha bomb diggity yo (also what did i tell u? he looks totally gangsta here) he kicked out a piccolo player who couldn’t get on-key either after five attempts hAHA this man had so many misadventures damn it would warrant another powerpoint “yes hello my name is George Gershwin and I am better than u”

5. “Why should I limit myself to one woman when I can have as many as I want?” actual legitimate quote from this man omg he was a MANWHORE YO went out w/ every pretty girl in nyc and had countless one-night stands GET IT GEORGE GET IT but with those looks and that talent??? who could blame him or the ladies??? apparently he lost his virginity when he was nINE so his theme songs are “womanizer” by britney spears and “talk dirty to me” by jason derulo “got lipstick stains on my passport, think I need a new one ayyyy” continues 2 attract the girls even 2day (myself included obvs)

6. but his tru love was a girl called kay swift!!! the dumbz met at a dinner party and kay thought he was interesting bc he played a lot of jazz and she’d only been exposed to classical and he was talented as hell ok she was married but when did that ever stop George lmfao, her husband was a banker and went out of town a lot and George and Kay would go spend the weekend in the countryside and ride horses together, play tennis, and swim

the dumbz met at a dinner party and kay thought he was interesting bc he played a lot of jazz and she'd only been exposed to classical and he was talented as hell ok se was married but when did that ever stop George lmfao, her husband was a banker and went out of town a lot and George and Kay would go spend the weekend in the countryside and ride horses together, play tennis, and swim idk how/why she put up w/ his womanizing but damn it means she loved him look at the lovesick idiots she rlly liked opera too so he took her to a lot of them. one afternoon they got bored of it so they snuck out at intermission and went Christmas shopping - he bought her bracelets and she bought him a good luck charm aw bbie he dedicated the show oh, kay! to her and that song "someone to watch over me" was 4 her also LET ME CRY they worked 2gether a lot on musical stuff, and he encouraged her 2 write popular music too. she became the first woman to write a broadway score all by herself. LIKE LET'S GO KAY!!! YEAH MANanother time they went out, they raced each other out of the theatre like lil kids and they fell out the door into the snow bc they were running w/ so much momentum and their expensive clothes were ruined and he wouldn't stop laughing omg pls don't to this to my feelings 

7. but sad stuff started happening!!! critics wouldn’t take him as a serious composer and ppl didn’t appreciate his work as much as we do now and it got to him and like NOOOOOo don’t be sad George look we all love u also his relationship w/ kay started going downhill and ugh it upsets me so much let’s not even idk I don’t rlly wanna talk about it so here have some hot pics instead yo pls god let me be that girl pls pls pls PICS OF HIM AT THE BEACH MAKE ME CRY OK OKAY BUT HIS HAAAANDS

8. super talented @ other things too yo he played a mean game of tennis and table tennis and oh that’s ira on the right hi there ira DEAR LORD DELIVER US FROM EVIL AMEN mortal kombat champion George Gershwin but omfg he frickin failed spelling like once he spelled “they were” as “they where” and “who’s got the last laugh” as “whose got the last laugh” I told u this man was a major dork omg nbd just painting a friend like a PROFESSIONAL ARTIST he also liked photography like damn how do u fit it all into ur schedule george

9. this man was rlly special ok bby angel lemme kiss u basically he was a musical GENIUS and helped American music move forward and a lot of things I can’t even put into words how much he means, not just to America or the world but just solely to me I’m sorry I’m getting sentimental omfg sorry a lot more sad stuff happened that hurts my soul but he died at the age of only 38 (so young ) of a brain tumor and oh god it must’ve really hurt oh god I cry just thinking about it honestly he deserved to do so much more and live so much longer and actually die HAPPY and fulfilled and nope I should shut up the tumor was a size of a grapefruit ok do not touch me HAVE MORE HOT PICTURES AND FORGET THAT THE ABOVE TEXT EXISTS **also he was best friends with fred astaire (another major bae) and I’m convinced he and frederick made a best friend pact to ruin my life well let me tell u IT’S WORKING CONGRATULATIONS BOYS**

10. in conclusion… george gershwin was a super talented and super hot composer and we all wish he were alive today bc honestly omg the love for him is infectious u better run while u can yo MY LIFE MOTTO THANK U BEKAH 2 hot 2 handle p.s. he has a rlly sexy voice OKAY

The continuing saga of the Munsingwear Men

HOME FRONT: The only thing well-knit about you, muscle man, is your underwear! The way that outfit clings to even your hideous frame is a tribute to the maker, Munsingwear?

MUSCLES: Sure it's Munsingwer. Nothing lesls is fit to grace the manly beauty of this grizzled vet. It's knit for fit and easy give and. . . say! Where'd you get that playboy suit you're wearin'?

HOME FRONT: Who's wearing a playboy suit? Why, you beautiful hunk of look, can I help it if I look fetching in these stylish Munsingwear "Slumberalls"? Can't be beat for all-knit, all-night comfort and head-to-toe warmth.

MUSCLES: Okay, my over-age destroyer. Now let's get down to fundamentals. . . like Munsingwear's "STRETCHY-SEAT". Pipe the way this boon to mankind brings up the rear. No creep, no crawl, no bind. Is it any wonder they say. . . wear Munsingwear. . . and have that well-knit look?

The seat alone is worth the price of admission. MUNSINGWEAR STRETCHY-SEAT underwear for men

"IT STRETCHES"

Creepy Easter bunnies: be afraid. Be VERY afraid

                                   

 

An Easter classic

Though this video is primitive, it does have a certain charm. Saran-wrap-mounted paper eggs descend like curtains, then disappear; hamburgers fly through the air, and at one point, Peter Cottontail walks right out of the screen. We've been enjoying this one ever since Caitlin was little. By the way, it has garnered a quarter of a million views.

"GET ME OUT OF THIS!": an Easter vision of hell

In case I didn't post this before. . .

. . . here it is again. This is one of the most brilliant interpretations of a contemporary piece I've ever heard. A good part of it is improvised. When I first heard Ozone go off-road I wasn't prepared for it, and my first reaction was somewhere between "woah" and "how dare he?". But stay with it. It's the kind of thing Gershwin might have done himself, had his sadistic SS doctors not allowed him to die in agony in his 30s.Some of the playing is so brilliant that you can hear the audience gasping.

I've just listened the spots off this and can't stop listening. Now in checking, I see that I DID post this before and it got next to no views. This is a horrible age, you know? It's all about numbers, and getting attention. It's absolutely dehumanizing. If my posts don't get a certain quota of views, they're no damn good or have to be re-posted. So OK, here it is again, people, and this time LISTEN! It will transform your life for 25 minutes. Aren't you interested in that???

Chocolate roses: the Gershwin legend

Welcome to the latest chapter in my exploration of Gershatology, a. k. a. Gershitudinousness. I don't know why it is, but I keep turning to the ever-changing, eclectic and dynamic medium of the Blingee for my pictorial analyses of George. Here are ten takes on a single picture. The most meaningful is perhaps the last one. One of the saddest and strangest stories in the Gershwin canon (not the boom-boom kind) is the squishy chocolates incident. In the ravages of a brain tumour that nobody seemed to want to acknowledge, Gershwin's behaviour became very strange indeed. He had been hallucinating smells for years, experiencing screamingly horrendous headaches, falling down, drooling, etc., all symptoms of, according to his psychiatrist, "hysteria". Nothing neurological going on at all. No sir. Gershwin was so hysterical that one day, when a box of chocolates arrived, a gift from the Gorgon Lee Gershwin, he smashed them all up into a goo and began rubbing them all over his body. I think such an act should be commemorated somehow, if only because it's the strangest thing I've ever heard a sane person do.

The great heady surf: Gershwin's Cuban Overture

What can you say about a piece of music you've fallen wildly in love with? Having barely recovered from discovering the Makoto Ozone version of Rhapsody in Blue (and yes, his name really is Ozone), I now encounter one of the most rapturous, madly life-loving things I've heard in a long time. Or ever. As my Gershquest continues, now taking me through the rather lumpy and formerly scandalous Peyser biography, his music deepens and takes on new dimensions for me. I want to SING his stuff, I want to be draped across a piano in a smoky room. Would I have wanted to know GG? Who wouldn't want to know a genius?

When I try to take apart and figure out this strange phenomenon of the early 20th century, I find a lot of interlocking puzzles in three dimensions. In his mad social circle of drunken and underaccomplished codependents, he was more addictive than all the champagne in the world. He seemed glued to the piano at these events, or maybe his body grew up out of it, centaurlike. One of the most oft-quoted descriptions of GG's seductive charm came from somebody named Sam Behrman (who also wrote an agonizing description of GG's horrendous last days): "I felt on the instant, when he sat down to play, the newness, the humor, above all the rush of the great heady surf of vitality. The room became freshly oxygenated; everybody felt it, everybody breathed it."

This is as good a description of an addictive drug as I have ever seen, but it is also charged with an erotic longing that dares not speak its name. "Was Gershwin gay?" is still a favorite parlour game among musicologists, as if such a complex man could not be both gay and straight at the same time (which I believe he was: he was simply too beautifully androgynous and dressed too impeccably to be more than 75% straight). And he was a good dancer. My God. I begin to think I am writing about a musical Harold Lloyd.

But this piece, this Cuban overture which was largely overlooked when he wrote it: at first listening you might think, that's not Gershwin. It's just a standard rumba, Latin music writ large. But give it another chance, and another, and you'll hear the dissonances, the bluesiness, the chord progressions which could only be early 20th century (Petrushka, anyone?). He was in with those big guys, the elite composers, but that isn't what stands out here. It's the sheer heat of it, not something you expect from an urban dandy with seventeen summer suits who seldom peels himself away from the piano. Latin music informed a lot of his stuff, including the Rhapsody, but here he wades right in and is consumed. And when I listen to this, I feel an indescribable ecstasy, I want to scream with it! Largely overlooked? Were they crazy? Is everybody NUTS?

Kay Swift, one of GG's longsuffering sort-of-girl-friend-non-fiancee-longtime-lovers, believed Cuban Overture was "Gershwin's finest orchestral composition and also his sexiest. But it went all but unnoticed then, and it has never caught on." I don't know about that. The book I'm quoting from was written in 2009. When you look up the piece on YouTube, there are seemingly dozens of versions, which I have combed through to find (I think) the best. As happens to most artists, Gershwin was a victim of his own success, and once Rhapsody in Blue had everyone in thrall, they didn't really want to hear anything else.

I haven't even begun to probe the enigmatic miracle of that unit, Georgeandira, surely the most codependent songwriting team ever. I once did a line-by-line analysis of the seemingly-simple The Man I Love, a microcosm of a song that would bookend nicely with The Man That Got Away (tune by Harold Arlen, lyrics by Ira). Don't ever think you can do this stuff, because you can't. "The winds blow colder/Suddenly you're older." That's dangerous. It leaps on you like the predatory animal a great song can be. Ira was George's inverse, his shadow, his verbal self. It worked, until that great prismatic glass splintered into shards, and the universe had to do without him.

I am making my way through a long essay from a medical journal about George Gershwin's psychoanalysis and his death from an agonizing undiagnosed brain tumor. The psychoanalyst was a charlatan and a sadist who enjoyed dangling people and messing with their minds. He had sex with Kay Swift during their appointments, convincing her it was a necessary part of the treatment. Incredibly, this psychiatric fiend was convinced, and convinced everyone else, that blinding headaches, hallucinations, falling down, being unable to eat or play the piano, and having all manner of bizarre behavioural seizures was merely the result of "hysteria". For one thing, it bollixes my mind that a man could be diagnosed with hysteria - I thought that it simply didn't happen. But the real horror of it is, they killed George with neglect. By the time the medical community came to the conclusion it should have drawn years before, he was dead.  But I just had this thought now - this second - George played into it too, because for all his fiery genius, he was paradoxically a don't-make-waves sort of person, almost passive, so eager to be liked that he buried his anger and went along with whatever attitude prevailed. OK, so it's psychosomatic. Now what?

But that's for another post. Another Blingee, another George.

"You had me at hello"

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