Northern shovellers: what's that under the water?

I am more grateful than ever for my connection to nature during this brutal, endless time of confusion and constriction. These banana-nosed ducks are endlessly entertaining and have canoe-like bills that are often hidden as they swim in circles dredging up all the best muck to eat. 

Internet ambush: the poison pill

(This started off life as a journal entry, but as it evolved I realized this is something I really need to post. It deals with a subtle form of psychological abuse on the internet, in which someone offers you something and makes it almost impossible for you to say no, even if deep down you are uncomfortable with that person and don't want to play. In some cases, there is bad blood in the past which is being denied, glossed over, or twisted around to be your fault, while excusing the perpetrator as having only the best motives at heart. I had an example today on YouTube, just a small one, but my alarm bells went off like crazy.So this is more personal and emotional than most of my blog posts.)  

I had a strange offer this morning from a woman who, like me, has a YouTube doll channel (specifically, troll dolls). She has been very nice in praising a couple of my videos, but then offered to send me a troll, and I refused it. I won't give out personal info, but it was more than that - I could feel a hook in it.  I know I`ve been suspicious before about things that turned out to be OK, but I don`t know this woman, and sometimes fulsome praise (I mean fulsome in the sense of much-too-muchness) IS suspicious. Yes, she has come up to me on the playground, skipping along in a gingham dress and pigtails, etc., and said, "Let's be friends!", and here I am being all suspicious. 

But my God, the CRAP that goes on on the internet, and sending me something like that out of the blue makes me beholden in some weird way, even guilty and feeling I maybe "owe" her something, which of course I do not. Over-gifting or completely unexpected gifting is aggressive at worst, even an ambush, though it also makes the recipient feel THEY are crazy or "off" for being suspicious of a generous gift which has been freely given. What is wrong with you to think there are strings attached?

I don`t know this woman from Adam, or Eve, or anyone else, and she has hardly any videos on her channel at all. That alone is reason to be wary. She referred me to her website, which is generally a sales pitch. Sending me a troll after seeing only two of my videos is an odd thing to do, and even if it didn't lead to "you owe me", psychologically it DOES do that. It`s also real Nigerian prince stuff at its worst. Falling for it leaves you feeling angry, ripped off and ashamed.

I don't want to give her my personal info, least of all my mailing address. Then she will know where I live. A complete stranger. I have heard of the most diabolical things coming from letting your boundaries down, though to be so wary of her makes me seem weird and over-suspicious. She also said, rather snippily, "that is, IF you're interested" in a completely different tone, implying that if you're NOT, you're not being very friendly to a fellow enthusiast.

It's better to err on the side of caution, I think. So I think I handled it right in graciously declining and telling her I don't give out that sort of information. My troll channel is meant to be pure joy, and if someone likes it, thats great. But it is set up a certain way. No commerce, no freebies, no offers or trades, no buy and sell or even being made beholden by sending ME something I never asked for and really do not want. It`s actually pressure on me to MAKE me be interested in her work (for surely I must thank and praise her profusely when I get it!), or making me feel guilty if I am NOT interested in her work, which at the moment I am not. 

So there may well be more snippiness ahead. "That is, IF you`re interested" had a nasty core to it, coated in sparkly sugar.  Postal stuff is dicey at best, especially with the border closed, and I don't know where she lives, but I assume it's the States.  I don't want her finding and criticizing the stuff I post about the States. It could start a war. She may be one of these DETESTABLE Paula Deen-like Southern women, a type I need to stay miles away from. A large number of crafty women on the internet are, maybe because they are traditionalists and egocentric busy bees.

This is the etiquette I think is sensible: don't offer something free, it'll make the other person feel they "owe" you something even if they insist you don’t. Don't agree to receive something when it is offered out of the blue by someone you do not know. When you get that twinge of quease in your belly, something subtle but unhealthy is going on.

That quease means you are sensing a manipulative ploy from someone who doesn't know you from Adam (OR Eve). When I see the nasty leech behaviour of Lynne, my former high school friend, who stood by and silently watched while I was systematically eviscerated in front of her close friend Lori – WHY ON EARTH would I want to connect with her again? But that was exactly what she wanted to do, and insisted on it over and over and OVER again.  If I feel uncomfortable with her and choose not to connect, she should accept it as my decision without questioning it, not pursue me all over the internet, finally driving me to explode and then REALLY be the villain.

I did not stay on my hometown Facebook page (which is the way Lynne somehow connected with me again, trampling the boundary of my blocking her a couple of years ago) for more than a few days, before realizing everyone had their head up their ass and was obsessed with the past. She took my brief interest to mean I wanted to endlessly reminisce about a place that nearly destroyed me. In retrospect, certain things can look very different, and now I see that what she did was every bit as savage as what Lori did (prompted by nothing, by the way), or worse, because her utter silence and total lack of ANY semblance of defending me was making her complicit. Quite simply, she literally stood by and watched.

I don't want that energy in my life, but the way it panned out made it, guess what, ALL MY FAULT for refusing her 'concern'. But even that didn't stop her. By some devious means, she found my YouTube channel (which goes by the name of  ferociousgumby) and left a comment on a video about side effects of meds, telling me I should taper off! If a person blocks you, GUESS WHAT, they do it because they are uncomfortable with you. Those times she visited (she invited herself to have coffee with me twice when she was in town from Ontario), I did not want to see her and did not enjoy the long conversations about Chatham and the past, which is where everyone STILL lives now, including telling me in detail about one person I barely knew who committed suicide. The rest was about how no one in the school system understood her son. Her conversation was one-sided, a monologue, and a drag on my spirits. I felt awful, yet relieved when she left. I did not know how to say no in those days, at all, and now that I DO know, it still causes an interior struggle.

I don't know why I tolerated it, except SHE phoned ME, assuming we were still "best friends" or even friends at all after decades, with a lot of bad blood in the past. Later I dodged the bullet, but as usual with these things, I was left feeling bad for what I had to do. I saw just the beginnings of a tirade from her on Facebook messaging (and HOW can you message someone when they have been blocked??) and didn`t read it, knowing what it would be like and how I would be cast. And how it would leave me feeling, basically ruining my day.

When someone says no, when someone erects a barrier or a boundary, you MUST accept they have their own reasons for it which you may know nothing  about (and are NOT owed an explanation for because it is none of your business), and respect it. Otherwise you don’t respect the person, and then why are you even trying to get the so-called friendship from decades ago (laden with bad blood) going again? Why try to trample down those barriers, and just arm-twist and arm-twist until that person says, Oh, forgive me, I was wrong! I DO want to be your friend again! Let me just push down this barrier I erected because I am so DAMN uncomfortable with you. And kindly do not twist this around and leave ME feeling bad, when the violation is YOURS.

I guess these people just HAVE to win this somehow, to push themselves on you repeatedly until you give way, or even tackle you in the name of friendship. 

I have learned from Linda L. and that really insane Terri chick who was obsessed with Harold Lloyd that you MUST be careful not to get swamped or even sucked into a little whirlpool that has its own sick agenda. There is this bizarre sense that time has stood still (which it apparently HAS in Chatham) and youll just happily fall into step again and be best buds, which we never were. At all.

I am actually shocked at what she did, but what with her, Linda L. and that HL-obsessed chick, I am now much more careful. They were much more blatant examples of actual mental illness, personality disorders, but I learned from them (mostly, what to avoid). And what do I lose? Nothing at all, though having to push back on the troll offer left me feeling subtly dampened during an already hard time. It just left a bad taste in my mouth, something I did not need on a grey day like this.

But it's all a potent reminder that no matter how the internet has evolved, it is still the wild west, and right now it seems to me it reflects the worst of human nature far more often than the best.

Just kidding! Baby goats frisk around

Sometimes, you just gotta have some baby goats. 

I can see clearly now

Here is that rainbow I've been praying for.

I! CUT! MY! OWN! HAIR!!

I! CUT! MY! OWN! HAIR!

It was madness, I know. But it made me even more mad to look in the mirror  at the sticking-out-in-every-direction MESS which could not be combed, styled or even flattened down. 

I had a razor comb (not scissors, God forbid) so began carefully, gingerly thinning out the flapping wings at the back. Gradually I grew more bold as the bits of hair accumulated in the sink. Hey, why not – go for broke! It can’t look any worse, can it?

 When I thought I had taken off enough, I ran downstairs, all excited, and said to Bill, “Notice anything different about me”? He looked at my face, then at my blouse, and said, “Yeah?” and I said “WHAT DO YOU MEAN you don’t  see anything different!” and he made a “shrug” expression with his mouth and said, “You look nice.” 

Then I made him take my picture, which he never does because I hate it. This mad impulse came after I read a four-page manifesto from my stylist (likely a generic one from Health Canada or somewhere) which basically described the salon as a police state. The tone of it was: things will never be the same, and you will never enjoy a trip to the stylist again. So I thought: how long is this going to be, and how could it look any worse than it does now? 

I don’t think it does – I think it looks better – my head is lighter – and though I’m definitely greyer, I can more or less look at myself without alarm and have SOME hope I can keep it in shape until, gowned, masked, in full hazmat suits, my stylist and I will meet again, don’t know where, don’t know when.

JELL-O: the miracle dessert

 

 

A very patient dog

via GIPHY

"Creme de la creme": Victorian chocolate advertisements

Elizabeth Holmes Cures COVID-19!

Elizabeth Holmes is at it again! With one prick of a finger (or finger of a prick,), she will CURE the coronavirus and win the Ignobel Prize for ignorance.

We are Siamese (if you please)

Just ordered this doll from China!

Somehow, I think that's a good sign.

Chopin's a bust

The Star-spangled Banner by Bob Dylan

It was a dark day in Dallas, November '63
A day that will live on in infamy
Good day to be livin' and a good day to die
President Kennedy was a-ridin' high
He said, "Wait a minute, boys, you know who I am?"
Being led to the slaughter like a sacrificial lamb
Then they blew off his head while he was still in the car
"Of course we do, we know who you are" 

Shot down like a dog in broad daylight
Was a matter of timing and the timing was right 

You got unpaid debts, we've come to collect 

We're gonna kill you with hatred, without any respect 

The day they blew out the brains of the king
We'll mock you and shock you and we'll put it in your face 

We've already got someone here to take your place
Perfectly executed, skillfully done Thousands were watching, no one saw a thing 

It happened so quickly, so quick, by surprise
Greatest magic trick ever under the sun Right there in front of everyone's eyes 

Wolfman, oh Wolfman, oh Wolfman, howl 

Rub-a-dub-dub, it's a murder most foul

 

Hush, little children, you'll understand 

The Beatles are comin', they're gonna hold your hand 

Slide down the banister, go get your coat 

Ferry 'cross the Mersey and go for the throat 

There's three bums comin' all dressed in rags 

Pick up the pieces and lower the flags 

I'm goin' to Woodstock, it's the Aquarian Age 

Then I'll go over to Altamont and sit near the stage 

Put your head out the window, let the good times roll 

There's a party going on behind the Grassy Knoll 

Stack up the bricks, pour the cement 

Don't say Dallas don't love you, Mr. President 

Put your foot in the tank and then step on the gas 

Try to make it to the triple underpass

Blackface singer, whiteface clown 

Better not show your faces after the sun goes down 

Up in the red light district, they've got cop on the beat 

Living in a nightmare on Elm Street 

When you're down on Deep Ellum, put your money in your shoe 

Don't ask what your country can do for you 

Cash on the barrelhead, money to burn 

Dealey Plaza, make a left-hand turn 

I'm going down to the crossroads, gonna flag a ride 

The place where faith, hope, and charity died 

Shoot him while he runs, boy, shoot him while you can 

See if you can shoot the invisible man 

Goodbye, Charlie, goodbye, Uncle Sam 

Frankly, Miss Scarlett, I don't give a damn 

What is the truth, and where did it go? 

Ask Oswald and Ruby, they oughta know 

"Shut your mouth," said a wise old owl 

Business is business, and it's a murder most foul

Tommy, can you hear me? I'm the Acid Queen 

I'm riding in a long, black Lincoln limousine 

Ridin' in the back seat next to my wife 

Headed straight on in to the afterlife 

I'm leaning to the left, I got my head in her lap 

Hold on, I've been led into some kind of a trap 

Where we ask no quarter, and no quarter do we give 

We're right down the street, from the street where you live 

They mutilated his body and they took out his brain 

What more could they do? They piled on the pain 

But his soul was not there where it was supposed to be at 

For the last fifty years they've been searchin' for that 

Freedom, oh freedom, freedom over me 

I hate to tell you, mister, but only dead men are free 

Send me some lovin', then tell me no lie 

Throw the gun in the gutter and walk on by

 

Wake up, little Susie, let's go for a drive 

Cross the Trinity River, let's keep hope alive 

Turn the radio on, don't touch the dials 

Parkland Hospital, only six more miles 

You got me dizzy, Miss Lizzy, you filled me with lead 

That magic bullet of yours has gone to my head 

I'm just a patsy like Patsy Cline 

Never shot anyone from in front or behind 

I've blood in my eye, got blood in my ear 

I'm never gonna make it to the new frontier 

Zapruder's film I seen night before 

Seen it thirty-three times, maybe more 

It's vile and deceitful, it's cruel and it's mean 

Ugliest thing that you ever have seen 

They killed him once and they killed him twice 

Killed him like a human sacrifice 

The day that they killed him, someone said to me, 

"Son The age of the Antichrist has just only begun" 

Air Force One comin' in through the gate 

Johnson sworn in at 2:38 

Let me know when you decide to throw in the towel 

It is what it is, and it's murder most foul

What's new, pussycat? What'd I say? 

I said the soul of a nation been torn away 

And it's beginning to go into a slow decay 

And that it's thirty-six hours past Judgment Day 

Wolfman Jack, he's speaking in tongues 

He's going on and on at the top of his lungs 

Play me a song, Mr. Wolfman Jack 

Play it for me in my long Cadillac 

Play me that "Only the Good Die Young" 

Take me to the place Tom Dooley was hung 

Play "St. James Infirmary" and the Court of King James 

If you want to remember, you better write down the names 

Play Etta James, too, play "I'd Rather Go Blind"

 Play it for the man with the telepathic mind 

Play John Lee Hooker, play "Scratch My Back" 

Play it for that stip club owner named Jack 

Guitar Slim going down slow 

Play it for me and for Marilyn Monroe

 

Play "Please Don't Let Me Be Misunderstood" 

Play it for the First Lady, she ain't feeling any good 

Play Don Henley, play Glenn Frey 

Take it to the limit and let it go by 

Play it for Carl Wilson, too 

Looking far, far away down Gower Avenue 

Play "Tragedy", play "Twilight Time" 

Take me back to Tulsa to the scene of the crime 

Play another one and "Another One Bites the Dust" 

Play "The Old Rugged Cross" and "In God We Trust" 

Ride the pink horse down that long, lonesome road 

Stand there and wait for his head to explode 

Play "Mystery Train" for Mr. Mystery 

The man who fell down dead like a rootless tree 

Play it for the reverend, play it for the pastor 

Play it for the dog that got no master 

Play Oscar Peterson, play Stan Getz 

Play "Blue Sky," play Dickey Betts

Play Art Pepper, Thelonious Monk 

Charlie Parker and all that junk 

All that junk and "All That jazz" 

Play something for the Birdman of Alcatraz 

Play Buster Keaton, play Harold Lloyd 

Play Bugsy Siegel, play Pretty Boy Floyd 

Play the numbers, play the odds 

Play "Cry Me a River" for the Lord of the gods 

Play Number nine, play Number six 

Play it for Lindsey and Stevie Nicks 

Play Nat King Cole, play "Nature Boy" 

Play "Down in the Boondocks" for Terry Malloy 

Play "It Happened One Night" and "One Night of Sin" 

There's twelve million souls that are listening in 

Play "Merchant of Venice", play "Merchants of Death" 

Play "Stella by Starlight" for Lady Macbeth 

Don't worry, Mr. President, help's on the way 

Your brothers are comin', there'll be hell to pay 

Brothers? What brothers? What's this about hell?
Tell them, "We're waiting, keep coming," we'll get them as well

Love Field is where his plane touched down

 But it never did get back up off the ground 

Was a hard act to follow, second to none 

They killed him on the altar of the rising sun 

Play "Misty" for me and "That Old Devil Moon" 

Play "Anything Goes" and "Memphis in June" 

Play "Lonely at the Top" and "Lonely Are the Brave" 

Play it for Houdini spinning around in his grave 

Play Jelly Roll Morton, play "Lucille" 

Play "Deep in a Dream", and play "Driving Wheel" 

Play "Moonlight Sonata" in F-sharp 

And "A Key to the Highway" for the king on the harp

 Play "Marching Through Georgia" and "Dumbarton's Drums" 

Play "Darkness" and death will come when it comes 

Play "Love Me or Leave Me" by the great Bud Powell 

Play "The Blood-Stained Banner", play "Murder Most Foul"

Cannabis and Brain Salt: advertisements by the yard