Thursday, December 11, 2014

What's lower than zero? Worst movies ever made




And here it is: Rotten Tomatoes' list of movies with a zero rating. I've seen some of these, and while many are just plain bad, some (Leprechaun 4: In Space; Rainbow Brite and the Star Stealer) are of the "so bad they're good" variety. Because I am sure you will want to know more about these movies, each title links to a Wikipedia entry. Did you think I went to a lot of trouble? I did. Nothing is too good for you, my darling readers: I go to the grocery store for you; I get up in the morning for you; most especially, I go on Facebook and tell the world how fabulous I am, JUST FOR YOU. You are almost as good as real people. In many ways, you are superior, because I don't have to look at your vapid face all the time and get tired of it.

I don't know how many of these there are, because I haven't counted. I got too tired out making gifs of They Saved Hitler's Brain, something I've been wanting to do for over 40 years. Can't get through them all? Then don't.




NameYear# ReviewsRef
A Farewell to Arms195710[5]
They Saved Hitler's Brain19635[6]
Manos: The Hands of Fate196611[7]
Gator19765[8]
Empire of the Ants197716[9]
The Bad News Bears Go to Japan197815[10]
The Villain19797[11]
Heartbeeps19815[12]
Megaforce198212[13]
Zapped!198213[14]
Staying Alive198324[15]
The Lonely Lady198310[16]
Amityville 3-D198317[17]
That Was Then... This Is Now19855[18]
Rainbow Brite and the Star Stealer19856[19]
American Ninja19855[20]
8 Million Ways to Die19867[21]
Rad19865[22]
Deadly Friend19867[23]
Firewalker198610[24]
King Kong Lives19869[25]
Police Academy 4: Citizens on Patrol198718[26]
House II: The Second Story19879[27]
Jaws: The Revenge198731[28]
The Garbage Pail Kids Movie198711[29]
Return of the Living Dead Part II198815[30]
Police Academy 5: Assignment Miami Beach19886[31]
Johnny Be Good198811[32]
Mac and Me198823[33]
The Toxic Avenger Part II19898[34]
Police Academy 6: City Under Siege19897[35]
The Horror Show19897[36]
Sleepaway Camp III: Teenage Wasteland19896[37]
Heart Condition19907[38]
Loose Cannons199017[39]
Madhouse19905[40]
The NeverEnding Story II: The Next Chapter19906[41]
Highlander 2: The Quickening199123[42]
Return to the Blue Lagoon199130[43]
All I Want for Christmas199113[44]
Once Upon a Crime19926[45]
Prom Night IV: Deliver Us from Evil19926[46]
Deadfall19935[47]
Look Who's Talking Now!199323[48]
Benefit of the Doubt19935[49]
Car 54, Where Are You?199414[50]
Leprechaun 2199415[51]
It's Pat: The Movie199411[52]
Wagons East!199429[53]
Jury Duty199512[54]
Leprechaun 319955[55]
A Pyromaniac's Love Story199510[56]
National Lampoon's Senior Trip19957[57]
The Big Green19955[58]
Big Bully19968[59]
Ed199616[60]
Plump Fiction19965[61]
Leprechaun 4: In Space19976[62]
Beauty and the Beast: The Enchanted Christmas19977[63]
Lulu on the Bridge19988[64]
Slappy & the Stinkers19985[65]
Simon Sez199919[66]
Shark Attack19995[67]
The Suburbans199910[68]
Foolish199916[69]
3 Strikes200029[70]
Heavy Metal 200020009[71]
De Sade20016[72]
Teddy Bears' Picnic200219[73]
Ballistic: Ecks vs. Sever2002115[74]
Cinderella II: Dreams Come True20028[75]
Merci Docteur Rey200222[76]
Pinocchio200255[77]
K-9: P.I.20026[78]
Killing Me Softly200322[79]
The Singing Forest20039[80]
Superbabies: Baby Geniuses 2200445[81]
Sex Lives of the Potato Men200413[82]
Mulan II20045[83]
Constellation200520[84]
The Truth About Love200511[85]
Kronk's New Groove20056[86]
I'll Always Know What You Did Last Summer20066[87]
Karla200612[88]
The Fox and the Hound 220068[89]
The All Together200710[90]
Redline200727[91]
Sarah Landon and the Paranormal Hour200712[92]
Scar200718[93]
One Missed Call200879[94]
House200812[95]
Cover200812[96]
Long Weekend20085[97]
Strange Wilderness200844[98]
Sagan200811[99]
A Beautiful Life200812[100]
Surfer, Dude200818[101]
Echelon Conspiracy200912[102]
Super Capers200917[103]
City Rats200910[104]
S. Darko20097[105]
Home20095[106]
Homecoming200924[107]
Transylmania200919[108]
Stolen200920[109]
Shank201010[110]
Fred: The Movie201013[111]
Pimp201013[112]
Space Chimps 2: Zartog Strikes Back20108[113]
Kalamity201017[114]
Father of Invention201015[115]
The Last Seven20108[116]
The Nutcracker in 3D201030[117]
Raajneeti20105[118]
An Invisible Sign201115[119]
A Heartbeat Away201113[120]
The Abduction of Zack Butterfield20117[121]
Bucky Larson: Born to Be a Star201135[122][123]
The Undefeated201115[124]
Mercenaries20117[125]
Playback20125[126]
The Perfect Age of Rock 'n' Roll201114[127]
World of the Dead: The Zombie Diaries 220117[128]
Swinging with the Finkels201119[129]
Run for Your Wife201215[130]
That's What She Said201211[131]
Confession of a Child of the Century201211[132]
Keith Lemon: The Film201212[133]
Elfie Hopkins201215[134]
Generation Um...201215[135]
A Thousand Words201254[136]
Last Ounce of Courage201215[137]
Four Lovers201210[138]
General Education201214[139]
Dark Tide201219[140]
Assassin's Bullet201214[141]
For the Love of Money20127[142]
Sir Billi20125[143]
InAPPropriate Comedy20135[144]
The Starving Games201310[145]
Stranded201315[146]
American Milkshake20135[147]
Antisocial20136[148]
Mission Park20135[149]
Once Upon a Time in Brooklyn20136[150]
I Spit on Your Grave 220137[151]
10 Rules for Sleeping Around20147[152]
War of the Worlds: Goliath20145[153]
Best Night Ever201413[154]
Persecuted201413[155]
Pudsey the Dog: The Movie201412[156]
Behaving Badly201412[157]
Cam2Cam20145[158]
I Am Happiness on Earth20145[159]
Atlas Shrugged: Part III201410[160]
But Always20146[161]
Saving Christmas201412[162]




They Saved Hitler's Brain: The Movie


Wednesday, December 10, 2014

Sweet, Fancy Moses: eight rules for the office party




How to Throw a Holiday Party Employees Will Be Excited to Attend

By Alison Green | Posted on December 6, 2011


Every year around this time, my mail fills up with complaints from people about ways their companies are mishandling the holiday party – from making them pay to attend, to throwing a lavish event right after laying people off. The whole point of throwing a holiday party is to increase employee morale and engagement, so the last thing you want to do is hold an event that does the opposite!

Here are eight rules for throwing a company party that employees will want to attend.

1. Don’t require attendance, even unofficially. Some staffers truly don’t enjoy these sorts of functions, and that’s okay. Requiring their presence under the guise of giving them a treat will hurt morale, not build it. If the party is meant as a gift, you can’t turn it into an obligation, so don’t penalize people for not going, even just in your head.




2. Ensure that everyone who wants to go can go. Don’t leave your receptionist stuck covering the phone while everyone else goes to the party. And similarly, don’t make some employees “work” at the party (as caterers, coat checkers, or so forth).

3. Under no circumstances should you charge employees to attend. If you need to charge your party guests in order to cover your expenses, that’s a sign that you need to have a less lavish party.

4. Choose a convenient location, or arrange transportation for people who want it. Especially if you live in a city with good public transportation, some of your employees may not have cars. Make sure they can get to and from the venue easily.




5. Do not hold the party on a boat. You may expect people to stay for the full event, but some people will want to attend only part of it, and a boat means they’re stuck out for the whole evening. (Or will need to swim…)

6. Door prizes. Have them, and make them good. No $5 coupons or company mugs.

7. If the company is going through cutbacks, don’t throw an extravagant party. There’s no better way to demoralize employees than to lower this year’s bonuses and then blow thousands on a swanky affair.

8. Consider letting your staff vote on whether they want a holiday party or a day off … and don’t be upset if lots of people vote for the day off.




I didn't write this, of course, and I no longer work in an office (except for my own wonderful sanctuary, full of the things I love most and with a view of three-tiered cedar boughs full of birds and squirrels), but this struck me as one of the best things I've ever seen. It just makes such sense, but it's the kind of sense no one seems to exhibit any more in a world of frantic one-upmanship. People just don't even THINK about the rotten time a partygoer will have when s/he has to tend bar, handle coats or play receptionist. Holding the event on a boat is assumed to be an automatic and impressive "oooh-ahhh", when some may be seasick, dislike boats (me), or just want/need to leave early (babysitting emergency?) and feel trapped (which they are). These are plainordinary but seldom-thought-of guidelines for treating employees like human beings. No big blowouts after massive layoffs, please!


Tuesday, December 9, 2014

Here comes Santa Claus: vintage Christmas gifs





Don't ask me to identify these. They are from an evil source. Late at night, or sometimes NOT late at night, I drag the lake bottom for videos like this. These are all black and white, and there is something just so depressing about Santa Claus videos in black and white. Spoils the effect. This guy is just creepy, as so many Santas are creepy. I don't know what he's saying to that little boy, but I'm glad it's not my kid.




This guy obviously studied at the Adolf Hitler School of Santology. Note the impassioned gestures! The menacing shaking of the beard! Mein Fatherland!!




I don't know what the hell this is, but I wish I could find the rest of it. I stole it from a site called Giphy, which I only use if I am desperate. I make almost all my own gifs now, because the ones I see on the net are pure shit: short, choppy, with no theme, no emotion, no remembrance of things past. This looks like a funeral pyre, or a whole heap of kindling waiting to be set ablaze.




This has to be seen to be believed. Must be some old European thing. Here, a Christmas frog tries to get something away from a Christmas bug, with a tiny sprig of a Christmas tree in the background.




Here, the frog appears to be in a homoerotic relationship with a tiny Santa Claus, Either that, or the frog is gigantic. Santa looks like some Russian Czar from the 1500s. This was long before that Coca -Cola ad that told us all what Santa really looked like (though I've long suspected that idea is bullshit, and that Santa just evolved over the years into the stereotype of today).




I promise you, this is the last Santa/bug gif. I share this with you only because, bizarrely, the bugs seem to be taking the ornaments OFF the tree. What they do with them next, we don't know. This is a very early stop-action movie which I don't want to research, so I won't. Figure it out for yourself. It's only six seconds.




Christmas puppet shows are a genre unto themselves, and an evil one. I may never recover from this video, in which Santa decides he's tired of delivering toys to the kiddies and hands the whole thing over to a stoned-looking cat. 




No one seems capable of producing a pleasant-looking Santa puppet, or, in fact, a Santa puppet that is anything less than terrifying. This Santa's eyes are especially horrific: they drill into the core of your black, un-toy-worthy soul.




As with the frog and Santa, there is funny business going on, this time with a dog. Interspecies romance was never my thing, but here it is, in a children's program.




Santa meets his doppelganger, presumably the cat, but we can't see it, so we don't know for sure. Is his handshake suspiciously hearty?




One of the earliest, and strangest, Christmas videos I could find, only about a minute long and made in 1898 by the Edison Corporation. In this vignette, Santa or Father Christmas descends from a bubble in the sky, wearing a sort of long monk's robe with a hood. Though I have not seen this before or since, he carries the Christmas tree around with him. He drops a small something-or-other into each of the long skinny socks hung at the foot of the bed. Batteries not included. (Watch carefully - I just saw this now - the second "toy" misses the mark and drops on the floor, but I guess in Edison's time there were no retakes.)


Maybe it's true what they say about those Coca-Cola ads, as suspicious at it sounds. Earlier Santas did look weird, and in one silent-era video he even had a spotted velvet smoking jacket with brown fur trim. 




This whole writhing display is beginning to resemble a fever-driven Walpurgisnacht. So I bid you good night. Or bad. Or however it turns out to be.



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The Hardrock Cafe: a truly terrifying Santa story




Monday, December 8, 2014

The Night Before Christmas Disney's Silly Symphonies YouTube

Christmas Cats




Christmas screensavers suck rocks, except for Christmas cats. Not many make the cut. I don't allow any artificial poses, cute hats, or other artifices that take away from the subject's cattitude.




Though this roundhead isn't my favorite type of cat, at least it isn't a munchkin or a Scottish fold. The contrast of the smoky tabby markings with the shiny silver and red baubles is striking. Kitty has a paw ready and is just about to strike.




Though I am not sure how they got him/her to remain still for this shot, especially with all those needles sticking into his tum, you have to admit this looks festive. Kitty seems happy, all ready for his bribe of Christmas tuna.




This one was right on the line because it isn't super-Christmassy, but the gorgeous Siamese tolerating the fuzzy (white-and-tortie?) kitten is very sweet. Now that I look at it, I see a kind of fur collar around the Siamese. At least, no bells.




Yes, this is how it should be done: a cat IN the hat, literally, snuggled up for a long winter's nap.




Sleeping cats are always good. This picture is gorgeously simple, and the lights look like the lights on my Christmas tree when I take my glasses off. Suddenly they're about a foot in diameter.




This is Kit-Kat's first Christmas, and he can't quite figure out what's going on. That ball is the size of his head. It looks like an artificial tree, so he won't be quite so enchanted with it. But just having a structure like that in the house, an outdoor-looking, climb-able thing covered with shiny balls that fairly invite a game of paw-hockey, is quite a novelty, and we can't blame Kit-Kat for jumping right into the holiday spirit.




This is just my favorite, and it might just be my screensaver until the new year. The kitten seems so relaxed, as if he's about to drop off to sleep in that kitten way. 




These shots are too small and grainy to be screensavers, because they were taken a very long time ago. Our cat Murphy loved Christmas, not just for the tuna but for the convenient sleeping/lurking place. We found Christmas ornaments under sofas and chairs long after his passing. We learned to hang less-fragile ornaments at the bottom, because it was so entertaining to see him play cat-hockey with them. His stick-handling was something to behold.

His first Christmas was quite an event, and I wish we'd had a camera ready, as people always do now. He was only about eight months old, and antsy. Back then we had real trees (this was the last year, I recall), and Murphy tail-swished every time he looked at it or smelled it. One day we heard a dreadful smash and tinkle, and ran into the family room to see a half-grown apricot tabby with all four legs wrapped around the top of the tree, which was tipped over on its side. He must have made a giant run at it. The worst was that the container of water spilled. Oh dear. 




Murphy was fat. No euphemism would do. He weighed 22 pounds in his full glory, and lived to be 17 years old. We still find his Christmas collar when we unpack holiday stuff, which was supposed to give me fond memories but instead makes me miss him so much I could cry.




Known only to his close friends as Foo-Foo (and when he was really naughty, Poo-Poo).




After a rare snowfall. He wasn't quite sure what to do, but made out.




Murphy defies gravity. A Christmas miracle!




Wait. . . I forgot this guy!



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