Why this scared the living shit out of me

OK, you have to realize one thing: this came out in 1957, so I was exactly three. So I had no idea at all why this grotesque little cartoon man was standing there making those grotesque little noises, or why those other lumpkins were marching back and forth holding signs I couldn't read.

I remember my older siblings saying a word that also made no sense: "Bilko." It reminded me of Bosco in milk, or something you'd feed a dog, like Milk Bone. Later I found out what it is to be "bilked". I remember little or nothing about the show except for a character named Doberman. (Ironically, the actor who played Doberman would later do the voice of one of the characters on Top Cat.) This got all mooshed together with Car 54, Where Are You? which I liked much better, cuz who doesn't love Fred Gwynne pre-Munster?, and cuzz there was a character played by Al Lewis (Grandpa Munster!!) named Schnauzer, another type of dog. See, it's all connected. Magic.

But when you're three, do you know any of this? When you're three, you sit in the middle of the room pounding wooden pegs into one-o-dem-dar t'ings, then turn it over and pound them in the other way.  I remember the black, smudgy, infinite depths, the flickering primitive cathode images that seemed made of phosphorescence and soot. I have such primeval memories of Ernie Kovacs that I think he became part of my developing brain stem.

Only one thing scared the bejeezus out of me worse than Bilko, and that was Topper. Topper was terrifying! Cups and hats and canes and things flew around in the air and you couldn't even see the strings. Why was this happening? What were those voices? Topper was sort of old when I saw it, coming on very late at night along with Love That Bob and I Married Joan ("what a pearl, what a girl, what a wife!").  I thought Ann Sothern was called that because she was southern. I thought Gail Storm was a real name.  I didn't get it, obviously. Didn't get it at all.

And just like that, she was gone

She would never say where she came from
Yesterday don't matter if it's gone

While the sun is bright
Or in the darkest night
No one knows
She comes and goes

Goodbye, Ruby Tuesday
Who could hang a name on you
When you change with every new day
Still I'm gonna miss you...

Don't question why she needs to be so free
Shell tell you it's the only way to be

She just can't be chained
To a life where nothing's gained
And nothing's lost
At such a cost

There's no time to lose, I heard her say
Catch your dreams before they slip away

Dying all the time
Lose your dreams
And you will lose your mind.
Ain't life unkind

Goodbye, Ruby Tuesday
Who could hang a name on you
When you change with every new day
Still I'm gonna miss you...

Why not blow your brains out?

Public Health Care Option 

Crackling in Ear

November 13, 2011  Posted by Julian

Blogger's note: Since coming down with the Virus from Hell in San Francisco - where I left my heart, my wallet and my health - I've had a residual effect that's driving me crazy. I get a crackle in my left ear - actually, it's more like cannon-fire - whenever I swallow. I realize this is probably due to a bit of infection lingering in the eustachian tube and won't clear up except with antibiotics. But last time I tried to get antibiotics out of my doctor I had to get down on my belly and grovel. She simply does not dispense them any more.

Ever.

It doesn't matter how sick you are. She won't give them to you. From handing them out like candy, a way to quickly dispatch nuisance patients and cycle them out of the office without listening to them, the pendulum has swung violently the other way. Doctors have been "told" (by whom? The Big Brother of Doctorhood?) not to do it any more because, as the snappy little TV jingle puts it, "not all bugs need drugs".

But I know why this happened, and it's ALL OUR FAULT. People came in sick, and because they wanted to feel better (and because doctors had been telling them to do this so they'd feel better), they'd ask for antibiotics. So because of  all that overprescribing, which is our fault, NOT the doctors', over time the drugs lost their potency (though that's probably due to all the antibiotics pumped into fish, chicken and carrots to make them grow faster and bigger and to have a shelf life of approximately 100 years).  So all of a sudden it's NOT cool to prescribe antibiotics, meaning doctors have had to find a whole new way of getting rid of patients fast.

They do this by shaming them for even thinking of asking for antibiotics, no matter how sick they are.

One of the more disgusting features of this bug was an eye infection. Pus was running out of my deeply-bloodshot eyes, which were stuck together when I woke up in the morning and had to be pried apart.

"They look fine to me," she said.

I begged; I pleaded. I could not see. Things swam before my eyes, which felt like they were on fire. Finally, with a purse-mouthed look that seemed to say, "well, OK, if you want to be a total hypochondriac about it", she dispensed a tiny bottle of drops that cleared it all up in two days.

But the ear problem, it goes on, along with a raw patch in my throat that migrates around like a storm system. At the height of this illness, which my doctor describes as a "summer cold", it was lodged in my larynx and I could barely swallow or eat.

Too bad it didn't last long enough for serious weight loss.

Anyway, looking up the billion or so foolproof home remedies on the internet, I found lots of wonderful things such as drinking apple cider vinegar and painting iodine on the inside of your wrist. It seems anyone and everyone can assume the demeanor and expertise of a doctor on the net. When I got reading this one, I had a "huh?" reaction followed by a "Jesus God" one.

This essay, which turns out to be written by some guy named Julian, is posted on a site called Publc Health Care Option. Sounds good, eh? Sounds reputable. So why not just get a Q-tip and start rooting away inside your infected ear? Never mind that any doctor worth his or her salt would say you should NEVER try to clear up an ear infection with a Q-tip or anything else that is smaller than a baseball bat. It pushes wax and debris deeper into the eustachian tube and may even rupture the eardrum.

But hey, this Julian guy. . . I like his confidence, not to mention the fact that he doesn't tell us to pour iodine in our ears or wave a dead cat over our head at midnight. Instead, he gives us the Valsava Maneuver, which apparently is at least three different things, none of which make any sense. 

I honestly don't know what language this was in originally, as obviously it's one of those automated internet "translations" that completely destroys meaning and syntax. Or maybe it's in English after all, which makes it even worse. In any case, it sure is repetitive, as if Julian is trying to pound his medical points home.

WARNING: DO NOT TRY THIS AT HOME! But do read it as sheer entertainment, and as a cautionary tale about trying internet home remedies. I'm thinking of making one up myself, a warm horseshit compress maybe, to see how many people respond with, "Hey, this really works!"


(Please note. I have encountered English even more badly-fractured than this in medical doctors who were foreign-trained, not that it makes any difference now that  medical schools require a course in Indifference 101.)

Listening to a consistent crackling sound in the ear might be a trigger for concern. A lot of of us usually disregard modest afflictions like ear challenges in the hope they will just go away, or because they are not debilitating enough to disrupt a everyday regimen. Nonetheless, it can be constantly superior to handle a symptom rather then a affliction, and arrest it in advance of it gives rise to supplemental problems.

 

Crackling in Ear – Leads to Listed beneath are some triggers that could bring about a crackling sound inside your ears. Ear wax This is certainly amongst one of the most common brings about for listening to a crackling sound in your ear, and quite possibly the easiest to solution. Use an ear wash from the neighborhood drugstore to get rid of the excess ear wax and unclog ears.

You could possibly even use a Q-tip to remove any wax buildup within your ear. The ideal time for you to use a Q-tip is immediately after a sizzling bath, if the warmth and steam have had a softening effect within the ear wax. Keep in mind to get very watchful when inserting a Q-tip into your ear, taking care not to push also deep as this could induce severe damage like a ruptured ear drum.

Congestion/Sinusitis You could possibly experience crackling sounds inside your ears if you have inflamed sinuses or chest congestion. These signs often display up together along with the quickest approach to get relief is always to use decongestants. Often, it’s possible you’ll hear a crackling sound in your ears when swallowing, which can be the consequence of fluid create up as part of your ears. Untreated, this may lead to ear infections.

Steam inhalation might also offer some reduction, and is also advisable for folks who may have weak chests or simply a tendency to endure from congestion. To the right way inhale steam, use hot, although not boiling water.

Valsalva Maneuver


Area the bowlful of drinking water on a secure floor, cover your head having a towel and inhale through your nose. In case your nose is blocked, you might come across it less difficult to inhale by your mouth. Once you will get some relief from congestion, you might discover that the crackling in your ears when chewing or swallowing has ceased. Eustachian Tube Dysfunction (ETD) It is a ailment wherever blockages build while in the eustachian tube. The eustachian tube is actually a thin tube which connects the center ear to the throat. For clarity, have a search at a human ear diagram.


Construct up of fluid while in the ear can cause Eustachian Tube Dysfunction, among the indicators of which can be hearing a crackling within the ear with loud noises. ETD could also come about as an extra situation if you have a cold, and the signs or symptoms of crackling sounds in the ear will proceed till the chilly has run its course. It’s possible you’ll acquire a blocked Eustachian tube like a end result of fluid or mucus, which prospects into a assemble up of pressure on a person aspect in the ear. This strain will get released once you stretch your jaw, yawn, chew or swallow.

Valsalva Maneuver

It is an additional cause you may listen to a crackling sound or a popping sound within your ear whenever you conduct these steps. Crackling in Ear – Solutions Some simple approaches to tackle crackling seems within your ear are as follows. Yawning or stretching your jaw: Often this uncomplicated motion can cause a popping sound within your ear and put an close into the crackling sound you hear. Chewing gum/sucking on the lozenge: It really is widespread for the ears to receive blocked or to hear a crackling sound when you are in the substantial velocity elevator or with a flight. Some individuals also knowledge ear soreness when with a plane for the duration of consider off and landing. This can be as a result of stress fluctuations that occur. Chewing on one thing can assist relieve this ache.

Valsalva Maneuver

This really is to assist release any pressure made up in your ear. The Vasalva Maneuver includes pinching your nostrils collectively when your mouth is shut after which attempting to exhale with power. Properly doing this workout will crystal clear your ears and stop any crackling seems. The Valsalva maneuver is very powerful in conditions the place higher altitude results in the sensation of blocked ears. In case you find that the solutions over will not offer considerably relief, it truly is suggested that you stop by an ENT professional, who’ll be greater equipped to diagnose your difficulty. Though ‘crackling in ear’ could be a significant irritation, quite a few usually dismiss it or postpone seeking help. Nevertheless, correct care may offer substantial relief and assist in arresting it easily.

Post-post-script. I don't know what I did wrong, but it appears that I have stepped on an internet minefield. I never in my born days wanted some sort of obnoxious pop-up ad on my blog - I didn't willingly make it happen. Maybe it was that link to the Valsalva Maneuver (which, by the way, was a severe warning not to do it), or the fact that Julian's medical treatise came off a bizarre and totally shitty site featuring people who have about as much medical training as Abbott and Costello. Never mind: I just want this OFF me! I tried going on the net for information about this and got so much gibberish and arcane bafflegab that I became totally depressed. I don't know what any of it means. Makes me feel like an obsolete old horse.

If this is a one-time thing, then fine, I will bite the bullet. But perhaps my blog's immune system has been violated by some virus: ironically, in a post about trying to get rid of viruses.

Hosting these things is spozed-ta earn you all sorts of money, isn't it?, but you can't do that if you don't even know it's there, can you? If you have it forced on you? Someone else is making all the money, obviously.

Now I have TWO viruses to get rid of.

Les Meows: Victor Hugo in the trash can

Oh my GOD, I am too tired to write about Top Cat right now, but I have to get this down before I collapse! Since I started watching this show again on the Classic Toons channel, my whole life has changed. And as elegant as these opening and closing credits are - some of the neatest, most sophisticated animation I've ever seen, giving the lie to the belief that Hanna-Barbera only turned out schlock - the real discovery, or rediscovery,is a certain character: the one I used to call "The Pink Cat", my favorite Top Cat gang member when I first saw the show. When I was seven.

Which I was. Seven. And the cat was. Pink. I doubt if I knew his name then, as I was trying to keep the names of the whole gang straight and there were SIX of them which was just about one cat too many.

Another very odd thing about the show was the way they mixed cats with humans: a cat could be in a human hospital with a cat nurse, and the nurse could be engaged to a doctor who was actually a human. A cat could be a torch-singer in a night club that human males had the hots for.  It was all extremely weird and anthropo - anthropo - excuse me while I spit this word out.

I do remember Arnold Stang, T.C.'s voice, from other things, including commercials for a chocolate bar called Chunky. Stang died only a couple of years ago at age 90, so doing T. C. must've been lucky for him. They only made 30 episodes of this gem, maybe because these were alley cats and part of an actual gang of no-goods who went around cheating and stealing and breaking the law. Not a very nice example for the kiddies.

But I digress. I digress because I'm so tired my head will soon roll off my shoulders and bounce down the stairs like a bowling ball. I have to just get this in before I fade out for the day: now I've found out more about The Pink Cat! His name is Choo-Choo and he is THE coolest of the gang, wearing a white turtleneck (which was very beat back in 1961) and speaking in a Brooklyn-accented voice which Wikipedia tells me was supposed to resemble Woody Allen's.

Did someone mention Woody Allen? Did anyone know who the hell he was back then? Had he even made a movie? So unless you lived in some esoteric part of New York and went to coffee houses, how would you ever be exposed to him? Jesus. Hanna-Barbera was incredibly progressive.

The thing is, this was 1961 and I was seven. And then there was this pink cat. Then my brother got home from band practice. Then I went to bed.

TAKE TWO. . .

As it turns out, yes, yes, I DO have more to say about Top Cat. It came on late enough at night that I watched it through a drowsy haze. I liked it, but it was Different. It wasn't simple like The Flintstones or dumb like Ruff and Reddy or ridiculous like Underdog or Superchicken.

Top Cat was originally meant to be a sort of cartoon version of The Phil Silvers Show, which ran some time in the late '50s and which scared the bejeezus out of me because at the start of the show, there was this cartoon guy yelling out this incoherent gibberish. Took me years to figure out it was an army guy barking orders. I was about four, so my confusion was understandable. But who gave a shit about Phil Silvers anyway? He has been completely forgotten, and for some reason his name reminds me of an empty can of cheap salmon rattling around in a garbage can. He has all the historic importance of Arthur Godfrey's discarded fingernail parings.

But back to Top Cat.

In my last rather pathetic entry, posted in a twilight state, I neglected to mention that besides his Gang of Five (and no, I'm not going to give you their idiot names because it doesn't matter: they're something like Brain, Stupid, Fleas, Burlap Sack, and Twinkie), this show had an undercurrent of Victor Hugo that was completely missed by audiences and critics alike (not to mention Nielson ratings, which were always poor).

Top Cat was a rapscallion and a scalawag and a scofflaw and all those other things good alley cats aspire to be: but he was also hunted, chased from one end of the City of New York to the other by a menacing figure.

Behold: the Inspector Javert of the alley!

OFFICER DIBBLE!

Witless as he was, this guy had such an effect on world culture in the thirty short weeks of his cartoon life that in some parts of Australia and New Zealand, "dibble" still means "the fuzz".

As a kid I used to call him Dribble, or even Drivel sometimes, as he could be incredibly stupid. But that's not the point. Our wily Jean Valjean of the alley needed an adversary, something to push against. Otherwise there'd just be no story.

As I watch these cartoons again fifty years later (oh God, it's even more than that), they look different. I now realize "the Pink Cat" couldn't have been my name for Choo-Choo because he was grey, just like all the other cartoon characters, just like Mickey Mouse, Donald Duck, Deputy Dawg, Tennessee Tuxedo, Wally Gator, Magilla Gorilla,  Twinkles the Elephant, Lippy the Lion and Hardy-Har-Har, and all the rest of them.

Now the colors look deeply saturated and incredibly vibrant, as if I've stepped over the threshhold and into the land of Oz. Those colors were there all the time, of course, but hidden beneath the veil of early '60s drabness. The veil peeled back, these cartoons are incredibly enjoyable to watch again, though I am not sure why.

Maybe it's their sweet pointlessness. Hanna-Barbera, clever as they could be, were not Victor Hugo, after all. But there are  still moments that cause a little frisson of shock.

Top Cat is very New York, more New York than Woody Allen (and I've already explained how Choo-Choo, my fave character, was meant to be a Woody Allen impersonation, though frankly I like Marvin Kaplan's voice characterization better -  a little more adenoidal but friendlier, not so whiny). Its New Yorkness, if ever so simplified, is crucial to every plot line.

But at the beginning of more than one episode, there's an opening shot sweeping the ramshackle skyline of T. C.'s glorious domain, accompanied by a raffish bluesy upslide on the clarinet which is strongly evocative of the first few bars of Rhapsody in Blue. 

Holy God! Is THAT where that famous opening shot in Manhattan came from? Did Woody Allen really think he was being original?

 

Dear Sir or Madam, will you read my book

    It took me years to write, will you take a look

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Is Woody Allen haunted?

This is very very weird, guys,

Cuz whenever I do see

A photo of Woody Allen

Standing beside Soon-Yi -

 He starts to look like someone else

Some other kind of joker:

We wonder why she isn't fooled,

Cuz Woody ain't no smoker.

And when he plays at Michael's Pub

to get his musical kicks,

He goes through lots of clarinets

Cuz he EATS the liquorice sticks.

Although he needs his analyst

To hear his angst, and moan

He locks his door, so Woody leaves

A message on the phone.

This must go back a long long way


Cuz it looks like Diane Keaton:


We don't know why the goat is there,


Or why it isn't bleatin'.

But this-here's weird, it's way, WAY weird

A science project skewed:

If these two fused like Brundlefly,

They'd be very smart: but screwed.

 

 

Fe fi fo WTF??

SOLVED: the mystery of Woody and Harold!

Really, I don't know where this photo came from. Maybe it's Woody's Uncle Hymen or something. But whoever this is, he seems to combine some of the best-known traits we've come to love in both of our favorite comedians. I will say, however, that the terror Harold expresses when his hair stands on end (which, by the way, it really did: they jolted him with a live wire for a few seconds, for as long as he could stand it) is somewhat muted in this shot. In fact, it looks like this person might be telling a long story about how his mother used to put the boiled chicken through the deflavorizing machine.

Woody Allen: Harold Lloyd's bastard son?

This one is so weird, I can hardly believe what I'm seeing in front of my gritchy little eyes.

I've been getting over some vicious bug I caught in San Francisco (where I left my heart, not to mention my wallet). It has its barbed hooks into my immune system, so that nearly four weeks later I feel almost as lousy as I did at the start.

So I haven't been blogging very much. But I stumbled on something that I think is both cool, and very very strange.

I don't know what movie this was taken from: Harold still has an intact right hand (which was blown apart in a freak accident in 1919), so it must be a very early one. Certainly not The Freshman, though that headgear doesn't look like any football helmet I ever saw.

The robot from Sleeper is wearing some sort of a colander on his head without too many holes in it, but still. The whiteface, the dark frames. . . even the tux, coz Harold was often dressed up in his movies.

Like this:

Can you imagine Woody Allen without his glasses? Ditto Harold, who called himself the Glass Character because the glasses were crucial to the development of his movie persona.

But the resemblance runs deeper than that.

If it weren't for his Gentile-ity, I'd say Harold looked like Woody's uncle or something. Who'd a thunk it?

Okayfine, let's acknowledge that from the very beginning Harold had leading-man good looks with a sort of Barrymore profile (and a chin that would later help Gregory Peck make it in Hollywood. Not to mention Jon Hamm.) But lots of girls and women have lusted after Woody, at least until the Mia Farrow debacle which kind of turned the whole thing upside-down.

               

There's something sort of disturbing about both these photos. Harold Lloyd telegraphed his emotions chiefly through his eyes, which were not obscured but magnified by those magic glasses. At times, it was as if you were looking right down into the depths of his soul, and it wasn't a very happy place. I won't even comment on Woody, who has made an industry of his existential despair.

Yes. On the set, there is a certain sense of being in charge which seems totally at odds with the nerdy characters they portray on film.

Is it such a stretch? Maybe not, though facially they aren't all that similar. I always thought Woody Allen resembled a pastrami sandwich on Russian black bread with mustard dripping out the sides. Lloyd is more like a Maserati. (It's my blog and I'll mix my metaphors if I want to.)

Speaking of hybrids. . .cross a red-headed Jew with a famous comic Gentile, and what do you get? Woody, I'm sorry to tell you this, but your Mom had a naughty little secret.