Sunday, August 31, 2014

IT'S A LIE!: The plump juicy raisin scam

All right.

I've already spent too long at the computer, and have "keyboard finger", in which my arthritically-swollen right ring finger twinges like a toothache every time I hit a key. This finger has such a major swelling in the knuckle - the one nearest the nail - that it pushes the end of my finger inward, almost sideways. It's permanent, i. e. nothing that will ever go down. And all my other fingers are following suit.

But in spite of that, I have something I've wanted to say for a long time, and now I must say it.

You know Kellogg's Raisin Bran with their cute little ads? For years now, they've been talking about "plump juicy raisins", and no one is saying a thing about it! I can't even find a rant on Google. In fact, if I go on Images, I get mostly decorative pictures of raisins in bowls, presumably looking Plump and Juicy.

SINCE WHEN IS A RAISIN PLUMP?? They are brown, sometimes even black, deeply wrinkled (worse than pruny, since the new pitted prunes are more flat than wrinkled), and dessicated-looking. That brings me to JUICY. Try to extricate an atom of juice from a raisin. Just try it!

Advertising Mascots - Objects

California Raisins - In 1987, the advertising world was taken by surprise with the popularity of a group of animated singing raisins who pushed the goodness of sweet, juicy California raisins.

And yet, here is a snippet of the copy describing the nightmarish California Raisins. And yes, there's that word again: JUICY. A juicy raisin!

Doesn't anybody THINK any more?

Why does everyone accept this "plump, juicy raisins" crap without question? The same reason they accept a lot of other things. Huh? Duhhh? WHY aren't they plump and juicy? They're raisins, aren't they?

Oh God. I hate the human race.

I hate Raisin Bran and their goddamn ads, their "the rai-sunniest brand under the sun!', implying, nay, ADMITTING  these things have been baking under the scorching sun in Fresno. Baking until they are dessicated, meaning DRY, NOT JUICY. "Plump" is even more mind-boggling, like saying Kate Moss is plump. Another ad had something like, "Plump goes east, Juicy goes west. . . "

These things, hard, dry, wrinkled, brown or black, often with teeth-jarring unpleasant grit in them that you can't get rid of, are meant to be a (heavily sugar-coated) chewy relief from the crumbly disaster that is bran flakes. We have a problem with bran flakes, All-Bran, bran muffins,and all other bran-containing products. We all know what they are designed to do, and not only that, THEY LOOK THE SAME WAY GOING IN AS THEY DO COMING OUT. They look pre-digested, processed, and spewed out.

Bran muffins might as well be meadow muffins, as far as I am concerned. They look like something a cowboy would fnd along the trail. The only thing in this world more turd-like is the prune, and NO ONE talks about "plump, juicy" prunes, do they? That is because they are a DRIED fruit, not a FRESH fruit. A DRIED fruit has almost all of its moisture removed, which is why it wrinkles up like that!

Someone should slap the Kellogg's ad executives upside the head, but no one will, because by now, the public seems to AGREE that raisins are "plump" and "juicy". Most of the Google images I found, depicting dry, wrinkly, dessicated raisins, were under the heading "plump and juicy!". Big Brother (or should I say Big Bran) has triumphed once again.

(P. S.: there is only ONE way a raisin can be "juicy", and that is from saliva. Let's not go there, shall we?)

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