(BLOGGER'S NOTE. You thought 2012 was awful? Wait until you read these stories from 2013! How come I know all this stuff in advance? The pace of modern living is so goldern fast these days, we've already caught up with ourselves and gone BOINNGGGG into the future. It's as if the new year never happened at all. JOIN THE FUN!)
1. A GECKO IS ELECTED PRESIDENT
You know that cute little Geico gecko in the TV ads who goes around saying funny things in an Australian accent? He is elected President of the World in 2013 by the unanimous vote of everyone who has a Twitter account. In the words of the Huffington Post: "Never has a reptile exhibited this calibre of leadership ability melded with such profound humanity." (Only later is it discovered that he is computer-generated and in fact does not exist.)
2. LINDSAY LOHAN GOES TO JAIL AND DIES
In a much-anticipated climax to her long career of self-destructive flailing, Lindsay Lohan slugs a producer, fails to show up for her court date, slams her car into someone she doesn't like, gets in a bar fight and bites someone, stars in some lame-o movie about Jackie Kennedy, fails to show up for another court date, slugs someone else, and. . . on December 31, 2013, the authorities break into her sumptuous Malibu beach house and haul her off to jail on multiple charges, after which she is immediately released on bail and dies from a chihuahua bite. Though it is determined that the chihuahua is an attack dog trained by her mother, her death is listed in the media under Public Improvements.
3. THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE COMPLETELY DISINTEGRATES
This results from the relentless forces of tweets and twats, not to mention texts that mean nothing (I don't CARE what you did this afternoon when it rained out), constant Smartphone calls that mean nothing, and the compressed, misspelled quasi-language of social media worming its way into Webster's Dictionary as an acceptable new language called Twitspeak.
4. EVERYONE ON THE PLANET IS DRAGGED INTO A SCANDAL FOR POSTING NUDE PHOTOS ON THEIR FACEBOOK PAGE
(or Twitter or whatever)
5. PUBLIC ATTENTION SPAN SHRINKS FROM THREE SECONDS TO
. . . as New York City sinks six hundred feet under the sea, California disappears, and late-night comics (grateful for some fresh, relevant material) spew out endless jokes about it from their new studios in Newton, Kansas, Entertainment Capitol of the World.
7. THE KARDASHIANS TURN INTO LIFE-SIZED STATUES MADE OF BOLOGNA
8. THAT GREAT BIG MASS OF DISCARDED PLASTIC FLOATING IN THE OCEAN INCREASES FROM TWENTY MILES WIDE TO FIFTY MILES WIDE
In 2013, environmental experts are quick to reassure the public that this new man-made continent will begin to disintegrate by the year 5019. In the meantime, a theme park is being contemplated.
9. TREES BEGIN TO SPONTANEOUSLY IGNITE DUE TO CONCENTRATED FUMES IN THE OXYGEN SUPPLY
More fodder for the late-night comedians.
10. A NEW REALITY SHOW DEBUTS IN 2013, STARRING A VAST LUMP OF PUNGENT ORGANIC MATERIAL
This is called Here Comes Funny Poo Poo.
And I could go on and on, but I can hear a little voice in my head saying, "Heyyyyyyyyyyy, that's depressing!" So I'll stop.