Tuesday, December 18, 2012

Syrup suckers

$18M Quebec maple syrup heist leads to arrests

5 more suspects sought by investigators

CBC News

Police are looking for five other people in connection to last summer's heist. (CBC)


An investigation into a massive maple syrup theft from a Quebec warehouse last summer has led to the arrest of three people, who are due to face charges in court today.

Between August 2011 and July 2012, thieves got away with 9,600 barrels of maple syrup worth approximately $18 million from a warehouse in Saint-Louis-de-Blandford, about 95 kilometres southwest of Quebec City.

Richard Vallières, 34, of Loretteville and Avik Caron, 39, of Saint-Wenceslas, along with a third person arrested without a warrant face charges of theft, conspiracy, handling stolen goods and fraud.



Syrup Suckers (a seasonal meditation)


They have no holiday spirit

these men

(or at least we kind of hope they’re men


we're not sure about that Avik Caron character

what sort of name is Avik anyway, not a proper

Canadian name

but I’d be shocked if he was a she

for what sort of woman would suck up
so much forbidden fluid?)

and we don’t even know for sure

how they sucked it up, did they use a wet-dry vac

an underground pipeline

or did they just plain

cart it away


One o’ dese guys is from Saint-Wenceslas

and truly, I resent the implications

of that name

at this festive time of year


The maple syrup heist has far-reaching ramifications,

as it looks like Santa’s pancake breakfasts

will be a little on the dry side

with only Aunt Jemima’s “no sugar added”

as a soulless substitute



Just imagine

After all the hard work of tappin’ them trees

Hangin’ up tin buckets, you know the ones

Making them give up their precious sap

Drip by drip by drip

Then boiling it for about a million hours

Then putting it up in dem-dar vats

(or whatever they are, barrels I think)

then just having them cart it off like that

as if it was nothing


Maple syrup is a symbol of our home and native land

(one little, two little, three Canadians)

so we can't just let it all go like that

about a billion barrels

smuggled into Thailand or something

I mean that really bad part

We owe the world our syrup

We are a misunderstood nation

and who was it who said Canadians

are just a bunch of sapsuckers

(or was it syrup suckers?)

It was one-o-dem

wiseacre American ignorami

who know nothing about such matters

and never mind that stuff they make in Vermont


but it looks like that stuff they make in Vermont

is going to be just about it for the world supply

Quebec’s bitter loss is Vermont’s sweet syrupy gain

until those guys from Wenceslas strike again

tipping the golden barrels of the world

into their filthy coffers

Fie on them, fie

It’s the most wonderful time of the year

and it’s no time to be sucking up all our syrup

leaving us parched pancakes and dessicated waffles

and none-o-dem-dar cookies shaped like a leaf, you know,




what’s got that maple stuff inside.